My CPTSD is getting reactivated again

Hi all, I could really use some help and advice here. This is long. But I need to get this out. And I could use some help.

I am deep into my therapy journey for 3 decades and had been doing so well it was amazing. Like really, really well.

I survived layoffs during the pandemic, which was hard because I was out of work for awhile but finally got a job. It was intense but I was just glad to be working again.

I started that new job in the best place with my c-pstd.

Most people there were great, but over time people came forward and told me (and I experienced it myself) that my direct boss was a nightmare. Extremely controlling, manipulative, wpumd cause chaos constantly, etc...and I noticed things started happening to me that didnt feel right over time.

It started as small acts of aggression and then became increasingly weird and disturbing.

Id get a stellar performance review but my bonus would never materialize and she would act like she'd forgotten. Then she would find reasons to call me and micromanage small and disturbing things with the staff - like she would tell them they couldn't eat food during transit at the airport and they needed to eat breakfast at home before traveling for work. This sounds small but it was constant. Things that were horrific levels of micromagement. And control. And the majority didn't make any sense.

I assume she has significant mental health issues and issues with control and money for sure. But, I needed that job. My family needed that job. I worked there nearly two years.

I became terrified to ask for a raise or pretty much anything. I had to ask for approvals on everything, even small charges I needed to make despite. It was hard but I figured out how to survive and thrive in the role, regardless.

The same woman/boss had her friend working in the company at a very high level. Also very strange things going on with her as well. She had access to all of the company money and systems. I would see very weird things happening- my system access would constantly be changed. It made doing my job difficult at times. I had to email the same offender and consistently ask for my system access to be changed so that I could do my job. I was often gaslit by her, saying she hadnt changed anything (I would have screenshots of proof), and then suddenly my access would be corrected again. She would still deny any mistakes made. And often chastize me on escalating issues to senior management to get help.

I found out shed made some big mistakes on company documents and filings, and even let big insurance policies lapse. It was my job to report these kinds of things. So I would. I was also subjected to calls from her screaming at me for getting her in trouble with the executives. And retaliation behavior by her bad mouthing me to others in the team. And my junior people. It became an increasing nightmare.

I went to my boss over the course of a year, over and over, and presented evidence of what her friend was doing to me and asked her for help. Very often, she would tell me she didnt believe me. Or worse yet, she would turn it around on me and tell me that sane individual had told her a different version of events. She would sometimes flat out tell me 'it wasnt happening ' so the message became clear - I wasnt being believed or supported.

Why did I stay? Other than those two individuals, I loved the people and my work. I avoided both and was just glad to have a good job. I had faith we would be able to push out the offender over time. Other things kept heading in better directions and I was able to limit how much control and micromanagement she had on the staff and myself. Honestly, I just did the best I could. My plan was finish 2 years at the company and move on. We were trying desperately to buy our first home. I thought my therapy work would carry me through. I didnt want two insane people to ruin a good thing.

The founder of the company asked us all to attend a leadership meeting. And that he wanted to make huge changes to the company. He also asked us, quite weirdly, to plan to discuss any issues or problems going on in the company that he wasnt aware of but should be.

I knew I needed to speak up because I was in a fairly senior position. I also knew the individuals behavior was impacting others. I stopped sleeping, worrying about having to tell the founder about some of this. But i also knew I had a responsibility to do so.

The leadership meeting arrived. We traveled out. The difficult conversations came up. The individuals name came up. I spoke up about the retaliation and the changing of my systems, everything. I had to do this with my boss in the room. I felt brave, I was professional, I kept it brief and concise. He responded that day, in front of the entire group, and said he wanted her fired, and looked straight at my boss and asked her to take care of it. I also heard him specifically say "he was well aware of the emotional damage she had caused" during prior years in the company and that specifically stuck with me.

I felt seen, safe, supported, relieved. I have never been so proud of myself for standing up and doing something so hard in my life. I had faith in humanity again, albeit briefly. I was careful not to implicate my boss in that meeting, because 1)she was sitting there and 2) while I knew she'd been involved in the cover up and well deserved it, I also knew I would start a bigger war and was trying to avert that. I also knew she was invested in the company and it would be a much bigger challenge to address. So I kept it contained to the one individual. At least for that day.

My boss approached me when I was alone and very (seemingly) genuinely told me she was so sorry Id ever been made to feel that way by her friend. Or that I was subjected to what I was. It felt like Id navigated it fairly well.

I returned from the trip, and literally within days, everything changed. It was terrifying, sad, and deeply unsettling.

First, my boss was demoted and the founder stepped in as the direct manager to all department heads. I had a new boss. I was relieved. He wanted big changes in the company, and so did I.

During one of our first 1x1s, he asked my former boss to join and help on some topics.

I asked them to help me get my system access reinstated, and suddenly instead of validating my concerns as he had during the leadership meeting, I was yelled at and told I shouldnt be 'villifying' anyone. He said he literally did not believe that I needed the level of access that I was requesting (I did) amd my former boss sat behind him while I was chastized.

It was the first time in the history of decades of my career that I was made to feel that I was a bad employee who had done something really wrong. I got off that call and contacted the executive partner who was responsible for working with me on HR initiatives. I reported my concerns. She had been in the leadership meetings as well that day. She knew. I trusted that she would help set things back on course. I hadnt done anything wrong.

She reassured me they were dealing with it, that they wanted to ensure it got handled and that I should reach out to the founder and just ask for a 'reset call'. Perhaps it was just a bad day. I abided. We had a separate call, this time without my former boss, it felt normal. I was hopeful.

But then out of nowhere, over the course of the next 6-8 weeks, suddenly I was in trouble for things that had never once been in my list of responsibilities. Never asked of me. I was under heat for everything.

I felt 100% targeted and never in my life have I experienced that. Ive always been a stellar performer and well trusted.

The things they referenced werent factual - they were things that were the responsibilities of the other individual and yet somehow, it was being positioned as my fault. The offender suddenly got involved in my documents, adding comments and criticism despite the fact that she was the one who originally set up those accounts.

Meetings started to appear on the calendar that were areas within my expertise. I wasnt invited. Worse yet, I was told my resources were being moved into other teams and I wasnt even consulted. I tried to stay calm, made sure my weekly meetings with my new boss were calm and without problems. He was changing a ton of things in the company so I just tried to stay optimistic. He had openly said he didnt believe in layoffs publicly many times, so I trusted that to hold true and knew my performance otherwise and everything Id done in the company had been stellar, so I simply held out hope.

But I was uneasy and continued to feel like I had been/was being targeted. I laid low, had stopped all mentions of any needs for help and simply tried to weather the storm.

I took my one week vacation, which was already scheduled months prior, to recover and breathe. During that vacation, a meeting landed on the calendar with my new boss and my old boss. I knew. I was going to lose my job. Not only did it ruin my vacation but it proved true.

They let me go the monday I arrived back. The said it was part of company restructuring but I was the only one targeted. I asked if it was performance related and they said no, absolutely not.

But things obviously seemed weird. They had even kept low performers that theyd been planning to fire for months. I couldnt believe this had actually happened to me. The second I had come forward, everything had changed.

I contacted an employment attorney because I was determined I had a case for a hostile work environment. Or wrongful termination. Something. Unfortunately, I found out that I didn't . The attorney told me that those laws only apply if I could prove the behaviors happened to me solely based on a protected characteristic- gender, race, religious affiliation, etc. I had no recourse. No justice. No job. I did get a few months of severance.

Im sharing this here because Im so hurt and disturbed I dont even know what to do. I cant believe our justice system is this screwed up. I cant believe I have zero recourse.

And worse yet, its retriggered decades of past family trauma I thought I had dealt with. I was abused by a sibling with a significant mental illness. I wasnt believed when I begged my parents for help and to believe me that something wasnt right.

Im having daily night terrors/nightmares every night again now. I wake up in a terrible panic and it lasts HOURS. Its like my childhood wounds are back open again and my cptsd is rearing up yet again.

Worse yet, Im feeling inmense shame that it took me so long to recognize that this was emotional abuse and manipulation. That I stayed. That I didnt just start looking for jobs sooner. Im blaming myself but the truth is I kept thinking ok, this is hard, but maybe my ptsd is just making me overblow my fears. I didnt know if I could/should trust my own emotions bc of my ptsd and thats part of what's so hard here - very clearly, I should have. That plus the job market, I had hoped I could buy myself some time but I was so emotionally overwhelmed that looking for work just felt impossible in that environment...

Thanks for letting me have a safe space to talk about this. Im having such a hard time having faith in humanity anymore.

Ill take any and all input and advice about how to get my mind straight and back on the road to recovery again. Any suggestions? Has anyone else ever felt like theyve gone completely backwards one day?