looking back on it, IFS did already help me

I know I've been overly dramatic here, with all the "this shit isn't working" type posts... sorry about it.

I guess I have one part that is very afraid of being stuck in a loop, repeating the same old patterns and never being able to change things.

but also, some other parts see how deep the IFS therapy goes and what is deep inside and they get scared -- attempting to block off everything, seeking constant distraction, planting the idea that "nothing works", etc...

I've been able to talk to my parts a bit, lately. it seems to have helped them loosen up a bit... I still don't really feel great on a daily basis, but there's less of a background sadness, and I've even experienced some pleasure today, so that's nice.

I still need to do more, but

I realized I've actually made progress with this, so no reason I couldn't make more, hopefully

I've talked to parts that were formed when I was like 3 years old. got to a point where it loosened up certain things.

I've had a shrooms trip which gave me a revelation related to those same parts -- I got access to my original trauma, in a way, and it suddenly explained a lot of things about my personality, the way I am, the way I react to things... I had that "ah, all makes sense" feeling.

I've started meeting an exile.

that exile's protector is also a lot more chill now. I can see it in how I react -- things that could have upset me greatly in the past, don't really feel that upsetting now, and it doesn't trigger me in the same way.

some other things will trigger me, but I notice it's a different pattern behind it -- different protector, different trauma, etc. I guess that'll be my next area to focus on. it seems more involved, it's not really a specific traumatic event but more like a general pattern that has been repeating for years...

also, I notice a lot less depressive rumination -- I don't seem to get stuck in loops over the same depressing thoughts for hours.

my nihilist/doomer part is also less... intense. I don't really get that kind of rumination either. I still feel pretty pessimistic about the world, but I don't feel the need to go on about it for hours, or to compulsively think about it.

well

I guess we're getting somewhere?