Need help with FP situation

So this is half journal post, half asking for support and advice.

A brief background on us. Me (M29) and her (F28) started out as classmates (online masters course in music education, we’re both music teachers), then we became friends from our shared interests. We became a long-distance couple, things went so well for two months and she was into me just as I was into her, but tragedy struck her family, her grandaunt died, and she became distant until she decided that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship, because she’s been single for ten years and she’s been too used to the single lifestyle and felt that relationships “restrict” her freedom. I was heartbroken but relented to her request. This was also around the time when she said that I was too clingy and desperate for love, and I subsequently explained my BPD to her, particularly the fear of abandonment part. She said that she’s not abandoning me, that we could remain friends, and that she really liked having me as a friend because she had no other close friends.

For the past month I’ve been trying to educate her further about BPD, and shared some YouTube videos (mostly by Dr Daniel Fox) to her on navigating through BPD relationships. Like, I didn’t mind that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, I still wanted to make our relationship/friendship work out, because I do genuinely like her as a person, and I feel a strong connection and bond with her, though this connection might’ve been one-sided, or even distorted due to the highs that I felt with her back when we were a couple. On my part, my fault, I was chasing for the emotional high that I felt with her earlier in our relationship, even just as a friend this time around. I didn’t mind if it’s no longer romantic, I just wanted those late night conversations, those deep talks about our goals and interests, those talks about our future, those deep emotional bond.

But I have never felt so disrespected by her compared to the past months. When I asked her for validation on a bad day, she lashed out at me, saying that she already validated me by telling me what she liked about me. I explained that I needed those external validation because of my BPD, and asked her if she actually had watched the videos explaining BPD. She admitted that she hadn’t. For almost a month since I shared those videos with her, she hadn’t watched any of them.

I began to split by saying I wish our friendship is something deeper like earlier in our relationship, and questioned her why she’s so emotionally avoidant lately. She responded by saying that she was left behind and abandoned by her previous friends that she has learned to not be dependent on others, and to close others off, and that earlier days in our relationship was just a blip. She also told me that I should just end our friendship because she’s a bad friend, which in caused me to do a 180° turn and convinced her instead that I’m not leaving. I was in a panic mode though, so I maybe “convinced” her way too far by saying things like “my goal in life is to get you to open up again like our early days and also prove to you that I’m not ever leaving you like how your friends did”. This in turn scared her away from me.

Yesterday she actually made time to watch a video with me via Google Meet, but she wasn’t even paying attention to the video. I asked her about what she thought, and she couldn’t answer. I paused at certain parts to relate to my experiences, but she angrily told me to keep playing the video, as if she was forced to watch the video and couldn’t be bothered to learn more about BPD, about me, in the first place. After the Google Meet session she continued to ignore my texts. I planned out a roadmap of our relationship so far, from the beginning, to our happy days as a couple, to the breakup, to our current relationship as “friends”, and what we can do to strengthen our relationship and have deeper friendship with each other. Earlier this morning I found out that she had deleted my contact number entirely.

I don’t get it? She lamented on how her friends left and abandoned her in her time of need, and yet here she is doing the same to me? She wouldn’t acknowledge the happy times and deep emotional connection we shared earlier in our relationship, and shrugged it off as “just a blip”?

And I’m feeling conflicting intense emotions right now. I feel so enraged, so disrespected, so betrayed by her. But at the same time I’m feeling so sad, so hurtful that I have the urge to SH just to numb out my emotional pain. And on one hand I recognise that I deserve better treatment and support than what she’s doing to me now. But on the other hand, if I just leave her, it would prove her right, that nobody would stick with her, that she was right to be emotionally distant from me, that our spark earlier in the relationship was just a mistake.

What should I do? And how should I do it? I have to accompany my students to a musical competition this Sunday, and part of my mind has already planned on how to off myself after the competition.