the point where making up doesn’t even bring relief anymore

is anyone else at the stage where you’ve basically lost all hope for the relationship? where you don’t even believe anything’s going to change for the better, and deep down you’re just silently waiting for another chance to leave?

i never wanted it to get this way. i used to beg him to see my worth, to give me a chance, to try again. i was always ready to do whatever it takes just to be with him. but this time, it just feels different. this time, i barely managed to force myself to take the blame and apologize for yet another thing that never should’ve been a reason to ignore your partner for days.

no moment with him feels good anymore. i keep catching myself crying over it for no specific reason, just this constant heaviness. i don’t want to engage with him at all most of the time. i just want distance. and yet i keep doing all the same things, out of habit i guess. a muscle memory of a kind. acting like a partner when i don’t even want to be one anymore. and that’s such a sad thing to realize.

i used to hope we could work through things, and i tried so many times to talk about how i felt. i told him how much it was taking out of me, how i couldn’t keep carrying this alone. begged him to take accountability for the things he said or did but yeah he never really changed. anytime i brought up something he did that hurt me, he'd deflect, or shut down, or make me feel like i was the problem. he always claimed he wanted to support me, but never in the things that he caused. not to paint him as a bad guy. i truly believe that's something an untreated bpd does to people but i just can't keep going like this.

i don’t want to believe this has to end like this. and i can’t leave just yet because of other responsibilities. but it’s taking such a toll on me lately. i don’t know how much longer i can keep holding on like this. and the worst part is that i’ll never hear him say something like “i’m sorry, i see what this is doing to you, let’s figure it out together.” not from him. even though that's all i ever wanted to hear.

i'm like so so tired chat. i can't believe i've let myself fall for this all over again.