Been 1.5 years of crashouts, 4 months no contact, yesterday was my birthday and i'm about to break

I really, really want to reach out and ask for a phone call. She either forgot or chose no to reach out yesterday. I guess the 4 months no contact was just a mind game for me, i kept telling myself, "don't break no contact, make it to your birthday and see if she reaches out". Crickets, nada, nothing. Everyone says, "stay busy and you'll forget", but all i think of randomly is that we both are going to die married to the wrong person. Idk I just woke up today in my feels and really want to reach out to her. 99.9% chance if I reach out, she'll get mad or upset at me. I'm madly in love with someone who doesn't love me and I keep expecting the impossible to happen. My glimmer of hope, the little candle in my heart is getting tired. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this, but it feels impossible to heal. I see her in everything, I have dreams she forgave me and has sent me a text saying she's sorry, let's try again. I do so good sometimes, "why feel this way for someone who doesn't give a shit about you, she forgot your birthday", but then I relapse and miss her. Right now I miss her and in my brain, I know I shouldn't, but it's my heart, it has betrayed me. And my brain and heart are in conflict, and it's a hard thing to process. To know what you should do vs what you want to do.

Have a good day internet stranger, i'm just in a weird place in life right now.