Source
r/relationships•
FreeFallFormation

My gf (27) of 3 years is unsure of what to do about our 3 year relationship (I'm 24 by the way).

Relationships

My gf has a 4 year old daughter. I've known her daughter since she has been about a year and a few months old. So I've seen her grow up quite a bit. (more about this at the bottom)

Last night my gf texts me while at work saying how she really wants to have another kid within the year. I agree and say how we should really start making the effort to prepare for a kid. This immediately freaked out my gf it seems.

In the past we have talked about this and I've always said how I don't want kids right away until we are financially secure. I recently got a new job that doubled my salary. My student loans will be paid off by December of this year, I will have zero debt left over. This will obviously allow me to start saving my money more effectively.

After I agree to having a child, she starts talking about our relationship, mostly the negative things about it that has been bothering her. She has noticed I've been working on the negative aspects of our relationship, but feels I am only doing it for her and that I'm not truly happy and am not being myself. I admit that a huge part of me changing was indeed for her, but that I am a happier person because of it.

She goes on to say how we have very little in common, I then proceed to list about 17 things we do in fact have in common. Some small (we enjoy the same music) to big (we share a lot of common goals). She replies by saying a lot of things we used to do we haven't done in a long time, which is very much true. My new job and her returning to school has seriously made it next to impossible for us to do a lot of what we used to do. But I know it's not forever and tell her this, she says she she is not sure and asks me where I see the two of us in 20 years (which I feel is pretty extreme).

I answer honestly that I personally see us the same way I see my parents (who have been married for 25 years), happy and still working on their relationship when need be, with a house and jobs that pay the bills and puts food on the table. I tell her I see our kids grown up and in college or just finishing up college and continuing on with their lives. This once again is apparently not good enough of an answer for her because she says I'm only saying it because it's what I think she wants to hear. Which is in no way why I said it. She fears I'll be unhappy in the end and that I'll have wasted my life.

Now about the part about her kid. She is, in my opinion, the reason I have not given up on our relationship and why I want to work on things. While the kids father is still involved in her life very much so, I truly care about and love her daughter as if she were my own. I strive to be a better person because I want her daughter to see that her mother has someone in her life that will never leave her like her father did. I want her to see that I am someone who will work on things until the day I die. I know it may not make that much of sense, but in my mind it does.

She gets out of work tonight at 9 and will be coming home to talk to me. I do not want to break up and I want to work on what needs to be worked on.

Edit: Thank you to those who responded (this subreddit once again proves why its one of the best). We decided to take a few days to be alone and think about what we really want. She is indeed insecure about a lot of things about herself. She was indeed abandoned when she was pregnant and the father came back after the child was born. I do know she will always be worried I'll leave if she gets pregnant. I understand having a child right now is a huge mistake, I suppose I was just assuring her that I'm ready for the next step and it's clearly something that is freaking her out.

TL;DR: gf of 3 years is unsure of what to do about our 3 year relationship after I agree to have a kid with her within the year and proceeds to tell me she feels like we aren't good for each other right now.

Posted Sep 29, 2013, 12:25 PM UTC · edited

3418
vortican•

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HAVE A CHILD WITH HER AT THIS TIME. You wrote it yourself; she is unsure about your relationship and introducing a new child in this relationship would be horrendously irresponsible. She's looking for a reason to get out already and actually fighting you who is trying to keep the relationship together. It's time for her to decide if she's in or out.

57
AgeOfWomen•

As a woman, i can say that it sounds like she is looking for an excuse to break up. At this point, i would advice you to look back at your relationship and see where things began to change for the both of you. Things do not change overnight. People do not just change overnight. There are always little signs that shows the partner is changing.

You say that you have always talked about having kids and she knows that you do not want to have kids right away. She then said that she wants to have another kid within a year, and after you agree, she freaks out.

It could be that she brought up the suggestion of wanting to have a kid within a year knowing that you would be opposed to it and use this as a reason to break up, so this is not where the relationship began to unravel, the relationship began to unravel long before this incident and you need to go back to the past and see where she bagan being distant and uncommunicative.

It could be that she is just scared you are getting to serious because you now have a better paying job, will be out of debt soon and can begin to lay the foundation for a better future for the two of you. It could also be that she does not want to be in a relationship with you anymore and is looking for excuses. Only you know her character best and can best judge the situation.

Quite frankly, if she decided against the relationship, then i would just advice you to accept it. I know it would be hard, even for her daughter, but you just have to. In the end, the daughter is not your responsibility but her responsibility and she is also responsible for who she exposes her daughter to and how long she does this.

Hope this helps.

35
Meow99•

Are you a mind reader?! I was thinking the exact same thing when I was reading the post.

6
Master_Z•

Sounds like she is trying to push you away instead of being upfront about wanting to split up.

I could be wrong, but her talking points are in that direction IMO.

10
uhhmeilyah•

It's important to keep in mind that you're talking about someone who, presumably after having a child with someone, has been abandoned by that person in the past. In this situation when something is good, it is easily perceived as too good to be true/something I don't deserve. Experience has taught her that it won't last, and it may be better to bail out before I get hurt. I only point this out because it seems like the conversation changed suddenly and the whole "you're just telling me what I want to hear" translates to a sort of a trust issue to me - it's unbelievable that you would actually feel that way, because her expectations are shaped by her experience.

But I would say now is not the time to do something like have a baby, but it also does not mean you guys should call it quits. There is some work that needs to be done, emotionally. If it's something she's willing to confront, and you're willing to match her effort, that is how a relationship grows and strengthens. In my experience, at least.

10
whiteram•

I don't know if I agree with the others who are saying your girlfriend is looking for excuses to break up. To me, it sounds like she is very insecure and wants to get all her doubts out on the table before heading forward with such a big commitment. Not only does she have to think of her own happiness, she has to think of her daughter's, so to me her caution is understandable. Despite what she says about you just saying things she wants to hear, I'm sure she feels somewhat comforted that you are confident and resolute in the relationship despite what she may feel is an unfair position for you as someone who took on a small child when you started dating her.

9
uFlo•

This pretty much sounds like what is happening. OP has even stated in his edit that she is insecure and stuff. Now that he is finally willing to take the next step, she may be scared and trying to push him away because she doesn't want to go through what she went through before, but ultimately wants him to stay and just wants to make sure for herself that she can trust him.

Not everything is roses and rainbows in relationships. There are plenty times when you have question the next step and taking time away to really think about it could be all you need.

Don't give up hope OP, let her do her thing and you do the same. When the time comes and you two are ready to talk, let what happens happen.

2
changeyou•

Why did she tell you that she wanted to have another child within the year if she was going to freak out when you agreed to it?

It sounds like she was hoping you would say no and she could use that as an excuse to leave you. She's already checked out of the relationship.

3
Paranoidexboyfriend•

Here's what's happening.

I definitely agree with other posters that she brought up the kid thing expectign you to turn it down and then she could use that as the reason that the relationship wouldn't work.

She's at that age and in the point in your relationship where she's thinking "hey, if this goes on any longer, we're going to end up committed for life" Where she becomes unsure is she thinks "yeah, this relationship is...ok...but I bet I could do better for my lifetime prince charming brad pitt"

That guy hasn't shown up yet, so she'll keep you on the line just in case. She'll use this "time to think space" as time to search for that dream cock, and if it doesn't show up, she'll stick with you. I wouldn't stick around with her to be the guy she settled for.

Out of curiousity, with that doubled salary of yours, what does she do for a living? Would she be capable of supporting her and her daughter by herself without you?

2
uFlo•

If she said she wanted a indefinite break, then sure your statement about finding someone else may be true. But as someone who has been in this situation before, a few days away can very much make the heart grow and make you realize what you have and not want to lose.

2
FreeFallFormationOP•

Manages a group home at an agency for developmentally disabled individuals. Makes enough to support herself and her child if I were out of the picture. She has never been financially dependent on me throughout our relationship.

1
z_omg•

do not change and change for your girlfriend. you may think you're being a good boyfriend but eventually she won't recognise you any more.

1
zitandspit99•

Sounds like she's doubting herself, and she wants you to reassure her. Or, as u/AgeOfWomen posted, perhaps she is trying to break up.

I admit that a huge part of me changing was indeed for her, but that I am a happier person because of it.

Man, you shouldn't have to change a lot for your perfect fit. Are you legitimately happy about these changes? Wanna give some examples?

1
FreeFallFormationOP•

I am a lot happier.

I'm more open about my feelings, I usually kept a lot inside but now I can express myself to her.

I am more affectionate towards her, I give her more than a little peck on the cheek, I tell her I love her more, I compliment her. She has a lot more self confidence and is more relaxed around me.

My house is cleaner.

2
SuperCoupe•

Relevant

-2
[deleted]•

Now about the part about her kid. She is, in my opinion, the reason I have not given up on our relationship and why I want to work on things.

in other words, she is completely right to feel that you are just saying what she wants to hear but you don't really want to be with her. of course she can sense that. she was willing to tolerate it when there wasn't as much at stake, but the thought of having a kid with someone who doesn't truly want to be with her is understandably terrifying.

she is trying to find a way to get you to admit what you just said here. you are driving her crazy by giving her textbook perfect answers while not actually wanting to be with her. think about the reasons why you don't want to be with her, then communicate them clearly to her. she has the right to know before having your child!

what is it that makes you uncertain you want to be with her?

-3
FreeFallFormationOP•

I want to be with her? Where does it say I don't?

2
[deleted]•

you said her child is the reason why you have not given up on your relationship. in other words, if it was only you and your gf, you would have walked away by now. you implied you would not have wanted to work on things if it wasn't for her kid. i'm sure your gf picked up on that and it fueled her insecurities.

when you are giving textbook perfect answers and then saying you stuck around for the kid, it makes me wonder if you are pleasing her just to keep the peace for the kid's sake. i'm sure she is wondering the same thing.

1