I feel like I’m doing everything right - but no improvements at all. Worsening nightmares. Dissociation. Numbness

I’m in somatic experiencing therapy. I cook healthy for myself. I’m about to go on a 3 mile walk. I do vagus exercises, I work on somatic practices. I understand my family system and how polarized it is. But I feel completely stuck.

The nightmares continue every night - I wake up even more numb than the day before. I have extreme memory loss and sensory loss. Just doing my daily activities completely wipes all my energy. I’ve tried every medication and currently not on any. I rest a ton and don’t go out much, besides for work, therapy and to walk. I used to have so much energy, traveled a ton, and loved life.

The part of me that wants to feel and the protective part are completely at war, and the protection part always wins out. I’m just tired - life was never this hard. Ever. I never struggled with mental health in this way. I had a normal life. At 30 years old I lost it all. I’m going to be 33 and I have no quality of life. I feel nothing, but have to force myself to live like everyone else.

I’ve done EMDR, parts work, talk therapy. Now I’m doing somatic experiencing. But none of my symptoms have approved even for a second. I can’t remember most of my life. I don’t get memories from sensory input, I don’t feel the seasons or time. I have absolutely no sense of self. When you’ve tried so many things and nothing has worked - where do you turn? I shouldn’t have to live my life like this, it’s just exhausting and numb every single day. Doing the most simple things is completely draining and feels pointless. Fall was my favorite season and for years I’ve felt none of it.