You can’t repair something that doesn’t exist anymore

I broke up 3 weeks ago, it was a long time coming. I got polybombed over text, he told me a) he was “open”, b) he had another partner and c) she was there with him literally as I was leaving to go meet him at a bar. For context he had asked to open up the relationship like 2 months prior and I said no, we were “on a break thinking things through”.

I didn’t meet him. I texted him explaining why. Then I asked for him not to reach out til I was ready to talk. It took me 6 weeks to get my head straight and realize what this meant: that it was over and even if I wanted to/could do poly I couldn’t do it with someone who behaved disingenuously, lied to me and disrespected me and my trust.

3 weeks ago we had the talk and I ended things. But still, even tho the main reason is we’re incompatible and want different things (poly vs mono), the other thing is how we went about it and how betrayed I felt. That’s how the conversation started but still I feel like I didn’t get closure on that. He apologized but I didn’t feel like space was being held for me in that matter. He pleaded for my forgiveness but I couldn’t, not that fast, I’m still angry and hurt. We held hands, we hugged, we cried. Then we continued with the conversation that actually lead to the breakup.

And I know you can’t chase closure and as far as it goes I got pretty close to it. But I can’t seem to be okay with the fact that you just can’t repair a rip that big in a relationship cause the relationship just doesn’t exist anymore. You’d need the relationship to continue in order for you to regain trust and forgive, and mine didn’t. I’m at peace with the breakup but this part is hard, sometimes I wish I would’ve yelled and ended things “badly”, sometimes I wish you could repair post breakup. I know you can’t. What’s done is done. What’s over is over. Just let time take care of it.