Suffocating.

I don’t have many people that I can turn to anymore

They’ve almost all disappeared

Either deceased or they’ve removed themselves from my life due to me being too much, too sensitive, too chaotic

Etc.

And that’s ok, I don’t want to cause problems for anyone let alone those I care about most

Usually I’m able to get by, move on, bounce back,

Sometimes I can even thrive.

I can always see light at the end of the tunnel, there’s never a shortage of things to look forward to

To work towards, look forward to, to live for.

I’ve had a crazy life, years of hardship, heartbreak, grief, incarceration, addiction, betrayal, poverty, loss

Pain. A lot of fucking pain.

I’ve always somehow came out of it more motivated, knowledgeable and driven than before.

Negative situations have always been a lesson for me. No matter what it is, how horrible it’s been, there’s always something valuable acquired from it depending on ones perspective

But these past couple months?

I’m really not sure where to go from here.

I don’t know what to do, who to talk to, right from left, up from down

I don’t know anything anymore.

I’ve always dealt with suicidal ideations, ever since I was a child.

The easy way out.

And what a selfish thing it is. I know that. Of course I do.

I don’t say this as a “poor me” or “woe is me”, self pity type of thing,

I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I really really want to and I truly mean that, I’ve been fighting this shit daily.

I think I might’ve broken the camels back this time and I genuinely don’t know the solution.

I don’t write this as a cry for help and the last thing I want is sympathy.

I’m writing this to see how it feels, because I don’t know what else to do and I’m trying not to be impulsive.

It’s one of those times where what I really want more than anything, since I don’t know what the solution is (if there is one) yet, is to be able to hear the voice of a select few people I wish were either still alive or didn’t hate me.

I miss you, love you, and life was much brighter, easier, more meaningful, joyful and just flat out better with you in it.

You made it easier to breathe.