Guide to actually using Enneagram - Part 4: Peeling your layers the right way. Debunk misconception of "people are lying to themselves".
Continue from part 1, part 2 and part 3
In the process of self discovery there are a lot of layers to discover. You might think you are selfless, but you actually are so selfish. You might think you are assertive but you might be not.
There is a lot of misunderstanding in this self-discovery process that we tend to lie to ourselves and our understanding of ourselves can be "wrong" and we need someone else to reflect to get the truth.
I definitely disagree with this and I am 100% confidence that above statement is false.
There's no such thing as knowing yourself wrong, only knowing yourself incompletely.
What do I mean by that?
Take an example of common mistype between 6s and 8s:
That 6s person might do 8s things such as
- Being confrontational with authority.
- Taking charge of situations.
- Refusing to show weakness.
- Asserting boundaries strongly.
A person of 6s might have the current impression of themselves:
- I am strong willed.
- I am quick to act.
- I am assertive and confrontational.
- I don't back up in anything.
- I have trouble displaying vulnerability.
- I can't afford to lose autonomy.
And that does align with 8s on the surface.
But if that person is really 6s, does it mean this is all wrong and it is all "a lie they tell themselves"?
No fucking not.
It is simply mean their understanding is incomplete.
Just because they are actually type 6s, does not mean what they already did suddenly become a lie. Like, if someone exhibit confrontational behavior since there were young and fight with a lot of people around them, does that mean when they become type 6s suddenly the time machine is triggered, someone go back in time and do butterfly effect and then suddenly the history is rewritten and those things never happen and it was all a lie?
When I put it like this, I think you can see how absurd the general understanding of "people are lying to themselves" actually is.
I mean sure, people can lie to you, but they can't lie to themselves. They can only be missing some pieces of themselves. That is where they might need other perspectives. External perspective can help as an addition to self-belief, not as a replacement for self-belief.
That is why I said, one can never know themselves wrong. One can only know themselves incompletely.
Even in the previous example, the self-belief that they are quick to act, there are reasons that individual created that self-belief.
But what they might miss is that sometimes in some situations they might not be so quick to act. Does this mean their self-impression that they are "quick to act" is a lie? No. It is again, simply incomplete.
And for this individual, the mistyped 8s from 6s, their true self-discovery happens when they understand that they are quick to act in which situations and when they are not. That is the door to their deeper self.
If they internalize that they are wrong, they lie to themselves. They are 6s and according to [some authority belief of Enneagram], 6s are slow to act. They never quick to act—it was "a lie they told themselves."
Even if they have accurate typing, that individual's understanding of themselves becomes even more distorted.
At least when they are still "the mistyped 8s," their self-concept matches and is congruent with what actually happened in the past. It is more grounded in their reality.
At this point, they might have accurate 6s typing, but their self-concept becomes completely fabricated. Their self-concept at this point cannot even explain why they did XYZ in their childhood.
The self-concept becomes congruent with enneagram theory but becomes ungrounded from what actually happened in their life.
And if someone does this to another, it is actually a form of gaslighting, which is harmful.
This is where I usually pose a question to a lot of Enneagram folks: What do we value more, preserving theoretical correctness or human beings? One should really reflect on that question before correcting others.
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When I was starting with the Enneagram, they told me that 7s are self-centered and selfish.
I thought I was a healthy 7. I am not selfish. I helped a lot of people around me. I did volunteer work. How can I be a selfish person?
And then (after a while of arguing) my wife said: You are selfish because you only help people when it is convenient for you. You give only what you want to give, only at the time of your convenience. When people are desperate for something and they come to you for help, if you don't feel like it, you don't help them. It's all about you, and it is never about other people.
Oh boy... that's when I realized I am a pretty selfish person.
But that is just adding to the perspective.
There is the part where I did help a lot of people, more than many others, and from that perspective I was pretty selfless.
Is that part a lie? A false belief? A lie I told myself to soothe myself? Did this part never happen and are the people who said thanks to me or sent me appreciation letters and messages just some kind of conspiracy? Or is it an illusion I made up in my brain and those people were never real?
Of course not.
Did I lie to myself when I thought I was selfless? No.
I just simply had an incomplete understanding of myself. I just never saw it from another point of view.
One can't be wrong about themselves. One can only be incomplete.
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Now when you are using the Enneagram for self-discovery, it is important to understand that nothing about you is a lie, but maybe it is incomplete.
If you want to do self-discovery, you need to connect every single thought and belief about yourself. You can't do lazy work and neglect any belief as "oh that was simply a lie".
Even if that is a lie: There is an underlying reason why you chose to lie to yourself in that way. And that is a part of your self-discovery.
You might discover that you are larping as an 8 (again, picking a common theme), but what motivates you to larp as an 8? And which part of being an 8 do you actually feel comfortable larping? And which part is hard and uncomfortable?
Those are all part of your self-discovery.
This applies to both when you type others and when doing your own self-work.
When I talk to someone that I think is a larper, I ask more about their deep motivation to take this kind of action. I ask questions like, why do you see a need to do [xyz]? And sometimes, my assumption that they are larping is wrong as well.
The point is: I don't neglect that as "oh that is just larping, noise, not a real thing. Tell me the real you".
Because the larping is actually part of who they really are. It is a part of the real them.
If I ignore that, I won't get to know the real them. I get to see only what I want to see.
Take another classic example of 4s, since it is common understanding that there are a lot of mistyped 4s (Is this true? I don't know and I don't intend to dive into that). Let's say that this is their current self-belief:
I am negative I am not like everyone else I can't express myself clearly
This aligns with 4s on the surface, but if we dive down more there are many possibilities:
- Deep down, they are actually type 4.
- Deep down, they are actually type 9 and these beliefs came from the distress of feeling disconnected that happened recently in their life.
- Deep down, they are actually type 9 and the "I am not like everyone else" stems from childhood trauma.
- Deep down, they are completely other types and these beliefs all stem from being in an abusive relationship where they were being gaslit.
- etc etc.
But what is not possible is: All of these self-beliefs are completely a lie that is not grounded in any single reality.
And in the process of self-discovery, the neglecting of any existing self-belief is counter-productive, and usually brings you even further away from your real self.
So, at the end, this article can be summarized as:
Nothing you believe about yourself is wrong. But it can be incomplete. Self-discovery is a process of adding more perspectives on yourself, and it is not about removing "false beliefs".
Because there is no such thing as false beliefs about yourself that have zero connection with reality.
In an extreme case: Even if one has schizophrenia, all their delusions still connect to the reality that they have a mental illness.
And you can only get to know your own or others' real deep self by treating everything as real, but possibly incomplete.
And this is how you can use the Enneagram better, regardless of what Enneagram theory you subscribe to.
Posted Nov 9, 2025, 4:51 AM UTC