Waves of Grief

So, I have been trying to schedule therapy, but have not been able to get an appointment as yet. My therapist is booked this week, and she mostly has slots for the time when I am at work.

But I have been grieving and crawled back mentally to the stage when I was bitter and red in my mind after discovery.

Also, it has sunk on me that my own peeps who do feel for me, *feel* for me, and then do their own thing (I am not complaining about it, just an observation). They hate my husband for his betrayal, but then have another life and setup to go to. I live with this new reality 24x7. And I actually come from a family where there have been many happy, successful marriages. My own parents will celebrate 50 years of marriage next year.

That is a milestone I will not hit in this lifetime.

I feel unanchored.

Then I read two different messages in two separate family groups yesterday regarding some get together that was there and I felt intense jealousy. And then I felt shame. I am not a jealous person. I just exited both the groups. I have so many emotions playing havoc that I don't want any new triggers.

Thankfully, my kids keep my busy, and I work full time, so I also have lot of work at hands, but there is this constant sense of failure, and making sense acting in tandem.

My wayward husband on the other hand keeps sending me messages to speak to him on a routine (I find talking to him) because he wants to normalize our marriage. Why is he not getting the memo that this bridge is burnt? Why does he think that he can wear me down by contacting me incessantly? Best thing is he writes to my parents, and calls out me and the kids as 'his family'. This delulu stuff is happening even though he has signed a court affidavit confessing his adulterous behaviour and other commitments. The thing about full divorce (which will happen for sure), is that he is not likely going to the let the children and I slide away easily. That would be a shit hitting the fan moment. My kids have become normal after a few months of us shifting into our current accommodation. His arse-ness will undo the good.

My history - 23 years of marriage; husband caught twice in emo/physical affair with co-workers, also flirting with females through texts in between; have refused to reconcile this time around.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1kmz3ef/not_emo_it_is_a_physical_affair/