I'm slipping away, I don't want to, but I can't fight it.

I used to be okay, but I lost control completely. I'm 20, soon to be 21 in February. I got diagnosed with depression now, but I remember having that "feeling" way back in kindergarten, it's one of my few memories since I have years long memory gaps because of a traumatic upbringing. I'm supposed to be finishing school next year, but I don't know if I have the finals in me, I need to study, but I don't have the energy to do it.

Lately, I've deiven everyone away, I became angry, irritable, uninterested in everything and I started to believe that everyone hates me and that I'm just a waste of resources. I started having some disciplinary problems at school, nothing big, rudeness and audacity because of the anger. Because of that teachers are starting to get tougher and yell at me just because which only makes it all worse. I can't sleep, I already wake up tired and angry, I'm not ever hungry so I just force down 2000 calories a day and want to puke afterwards. The worst thing is that it's not that bad, on the surface I don't feel nothing but inside I'm crying all the time feeling so anxious my chest is tight. It sounds crazy, but it really doesn't feel that bad, there's a sense of complacency and I've lost all will to hold myself together a few weeks ago anyway. So I don't know what I expect from this, I guess I'm just venting. I don't really have the energy to live enough, I'd say that I just lay in bed or walk around the forest all the time. I just don't really care about myself at this point and I've started acting really bad towards those who do, because I'm angry with them for caring for me so I feel bad for completely giving up. I thought of maybe trying to fix this whole thing because it definitely doesn't lead to anything good, but I feel like it's too late to start doing something about it now, my mind is too quiet and anxious which is terrible. Plus I quit weed, alcohol and nicotine in the beggining of the summer, that's also weird because I never really knew why.