Christmas is making me miserable and I am stuck being the joy maker as per usual.

The magic is just gone. As a mum we put everything together, we get the presents and make the food and decorate the house. I am recovering from a major surgery (heart) and everyone seems to think Christmas will just go on as normal. I am still expected to provide most of the cooking at the bigger family events and pull it all out of a hat with a smile like I do every year. I am exhausted. Not just from the recovery but from the mental toll it takes to fake being happy right now. It’s made me really resentful of the holiday and everyone in my family. I just wish i could disappear. I don’t even want a break or to be alone I just don’t want to be. If i could go on autopilot and skip past Christmas (but still provide all the things i usually do so nobody gets put out) then i would. But then who would look after my kids and give them a nice Christmas? They need me present and happy or they get fucked up by not having a present and caring parent. Then that’s just another thing for me to fix.