I really need advice to deal with my mom’s refusal to keep distances and causing me emotional distress

Hi guys,

Context : I’m around 30yo and left my country a few years ago. Was raised in a narcissistic family and I was the scapegoat, the emotional crutch that was holding the whole system together. Not the worse family (I’ve read worse cases here) but definitely abusive enough. I’ve developed low self esteem and was in therapy for years. A lot of my life has been affected by my parents neglect and abuse. My mom was super neglectful emotionally, she just didn’t care. As she’s gotten older and now retired she started clinging to me. At the same time I moved out and since then she refuses to accept that I keep my distances. Whenever we fight, instead of hearing what the fight is really about and how to be considerate, she’ll just fake apologize (if she even does it) and then will have the same behavior again. For her, when I put a boundary, I’m just doing a whim.

Problem : For a year now I’ve plainly stopped caring and really didn’t reach or anything, and the last few months she started realizing how serious I had become about keeping my distances. She tried reaching out this past few months and even though I say I’m not ready to talk to her and I need time for myself, she’ll try again a few weeks/months later and change her approach. She uses guilt-tripping and accuses me to punish her. I keep saying no, and she keeps testing the waters. She’s even involved my dad in it. She claims she has depression, and of course I’m the cause of it, and my dad will feel bad enough to try to get me to talk to her. I was ok with the situation until now she does the same with my little bro. He’s only on few years younger than me but still lives with them. He’s sensitive and sees my mom suffering and so he keeps trying to get me to talk to her because he obviously doesn’t want to see her suffer. Dad and bro don’t understand my position. Just today I was exchanging by messages with my bro, and coincidentally she tried calling me and left a voice message I didn’t hear and then deleted.

Tbh, it’s causing me high emotional distress, I feel like I’ve set my boundaries so many times and they never respected it, I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m also noticing getting dark thoughts because of it and the pressure she keeps putting on me. Nothing major but it’s truly affecting me like never before. What do you advise me to do ? I just want her to leave my brother out of this and ultimately to leave me alone. I feel helpless, grateful for any advice or similar experiences.