I feel untreatable

​My thoughts are so loud and never-ending. It feels like I have too many tabs open, and my brain shuts down under the weight of it all. I have BPD, bipolar, OCD, and PTSD, on top of a genetic mutation. SSRIs are more of an issue than a solution. I also run into the issue of struggling to "finish" with SSRIs. I shouldn’t have to pick between pleasure and the chance that Zoloft will help my anxiety and depression.

​I'm running out of options for meds, and even on 200mg of an anti-psyhcotic , my moods are unmanageable. My mood swings are unpredictable. I'm angry. So angry. It affects my day-to-day life, and it’s affecting my family, too. I feel like a boiling pot of water. I can feel and see that I'm about to boil over, but I feel like an outsider watching and cannot intervene. ​I understand that my moods are unjust and extreme. Like, why does someone drinking my last Coke Zero make me ready to flip tables and scream? Then it turns into tears. I'm sobbing. I can't breathe. I feel like nobody loves or cares about me, like that one thing was for me and they didn't care. That’s just an example.

​I feel like I need something to help manage my mood, the swings, the anxiety, the impulsivity, and the insomnia. I feel untreatable. It just keeps getting worse, even with therapy and a psychiatrist. I'm self-aware, and I pride myself on being emotionally intelligent, so I don’t know where I'm going with this. I just don't want to feel alone. I want to hear that it gets better and that I will find the right meds.