The depression is getting better, I think I made it out again. Thanks to you all! I just wanted to tell someone

TW: suicide, but it's all in the past now

Hey, Last year was crazy.

Some bad shit happened, almost ended up homeless before finishing college.

A year ago I started processing my trauma (bad childhood, hard abuse, alcoholic parent, sexual), and right then when I finally got vulnerable I got broken up with and the alcoholic shit in family climaxed, guys we all nearly died because of it. I genuinely knew that I was done for, because I had nowhere to go and it was worse every day, no light at the end of the tunnel. A lot more trauma got dumped on me. I was doing pretty bad, but still decided to give support, sometimes in ugly ways that I hated. But I got the parent into a rehab and it seemed better. Had to learn to live alone, but it was an improvement.

My other parent who I have a distant and very complicated relationship with also got themselves together and started showing up more, I think it's going a good way.

Then in summer, when things cleared up more, it dawned on me and I couldn't get out of my apartment (outside of basic unavoidable stuff) for a month, to the point where I had worms in leftover food in my kitchen. That was the second bottom.

That didn't really go away, I never stopped being tired, the final year of school started and I was already burnt out from all that happened. I went full panic that I'll fail my finals and have no future. That took me down again in December, and as life was already good on paper, I started remembering and feeling a lot of bad stuff from the past, the traumas dawned on me again. I went full depression, real bad, worse than I've ever seen in myself, became suicidal again.

I talked about it with some friends, and they kinda showed up. We exchanged some bad feelings and even though none of us really trauma dumped, it really helped that I could talk about the stuff and not feel like no one knew about, it felt good to be open. Since I've talked about it, I feel like the ice under my feet is getting thicker over time, I have friends, I have a family. It still all stings a lot and it's not easy at all. But I've been just barely surviving for the past 3 years, I had the "I'm gonna go away tonight" turn into "I don't want to go tonight but I can't go on" then into "I'm really afraid I may not make it through tonight" to todays "I'm gonna make it, I just have to finish school and then there's a future ahead".

I can vent now through sports, I have people around me, I do not feel alone.

I feel things with the sharpness and intensity I thought was gone, like, I actually feel stuff. Both, good and bad, but I'm good at dealing with it and it's good to at least feel this instead if like, chaos-everything and nothing at the same time. I feel present and not dissociated all the time.

I'm really glad that after all the violent fights with a drunk parent and suicidal intent, I made it. I'm not at the end, but I stopped getting worse and started healing. While writing this, I'm crying for the first time in years since I thought I lost the ability to.

I'm glad my friends supported me, and I'm glad I opened the theme because I also supported them back a lot. I've met a guy similar to me and he's a crackhead over a one year period. And I've had a friend who didn't speak up and he hung himself, I miss him. But I'm also thankful that I made it and that I finally have a vision of what's it like to feel at home somewhere with someone. I'm thankful that I'm actually your "normal" person in terms of any long term or unrepairable damage.

I'm thankful to you all here for the support you've given and I'm thankful to all the people that supported me. And I'm thankful that everything turned out against all ods and I have a good/healing relationship with everyone involved and that they're also safe and happy.

It's gonna take a lot of work, but we're all gonna make it guys. I made it and you can too.