Kurogwa na mchawi akakufa

It’s unfortunate that I’m here to rant again after my first ever rant a year ago. I honestly thought that by now life would have softened a little, that things would have made a bit more sense, or at least hurt a little less.

But have y’all ever heard the phrase “kurogwa na mchawi akafa”?

The kind of life where it feels like you’ve been fighting something unseen for so long that you’re just tired. I’m starting to feel like I might be one of those people.

Without getting into intricate details, I’ve been through things my entire life that are honestly too heavy to even put into writing. The kind of things that change how you see the world, how you see people, and sometimes even how you see yourself. And the truth is, I’ve spent so many years trying to stay strong, trying to keep moving, trying to believe that one day things would make sense.

The last 48 hours have been a lot of thinking and reflecting. Sitting with my thoughts. Going over everything again and again. And the hardest part is realizing how deeply tired I am. Tired of fighting battles people don’t even see. Tired of carrying things I never asked for. Tired of hoping that maybe the next chapter will finally be different.

I turn 30 this year, and instead of feeling excited about that milestone, I find myself questioning everything my life, my purpose, and whether some people are simply meant to spend their lives surviving instead of living.

This isn’t an easy thing to admit out loud. But sometimes the truth is that life can feel unbearably heavy, and the silence around that feeling makes it even heavier.

Maybe one day things will make sense. Maybe one day the weight will lift. Right now, though, I’m just being honest about how lost and exhausted I feel.

To kms or not? Idk. But this life isn't for me:(