I fell in love with a fearful avoidant woman

I fell in love with a fearful avoidant woman, and I just see a lot of value in her. She's a very sensitive person, and she has a lot of warmth in her. She's gorgeous, charismatic, and really strong.

I mean, it was basically impossible. It was never gonna work. Even if I hypothetically reached a point where I was the best version of myself, the most regulated version of myself, I think she just would have gotten bored.

And yeah, there's really no way around it. It's just sad. Sad that there's so much trauma and hurt in people in the world, and it just is what it is. It is what it is and it's pretty sad.

Yeah, she's a Venezuelan immigrant, and just some other type of hardship, like 33 years of hardship, and being on a very survival mode. And she still maintains her sensitivity. I mean, it's still a survival mechanism, but she's still very, very sensitive and kind. We didn't really have a relationship. It's very confusing because I'm 95% sure she fell in love with me. I think the reason is because we are both highly sensitive people. I just kind of brought something to the table that she wasn't used to. We could read each other very quickly with small details, gestures, tones, body language. I was very vulnerable with her, and I never tried to power struggle. I didn't feel insecure in that way. It was very confusing. The day I think she wanted to get intimate, I had been very consistent and available for her during three or four months. And the day she wanted to get intimate, I was just tired.

So I just needed a couple days to regulate. And that was kind of the breaking point. That's when she did the closure. I texted her a week after that, a very clean message saying that I was sorry if my emotions were too much for her. I was just very profound and loving from the start. That was the message, with a white heart. A couple days after that, like five days, she spiraled. She never posted stories before, and she just spiraled, putting a lot of love songs and pictures of herself. Even though she wore makeup, she was crying. It was just pretty hard. Everything was pretty hard. I felt deep love from the beginning but those four months we had, that kind of situationship, it was like I was mourning from the start.

Honestly, I'm not as loving and understanding with anyone else as I was with her. It's not like I'm a saint or anything. It's just that I really, really wanted to show up and be the best version I could. But at the end it's also like I wanted to make her my life project. In some messed up way, if I saved her, I would also save myself or heal myself. So it's not like it was ever really meant to be. And the thing is, even if I was this ideal regulated person, I probably wouldn't have been that involved or I would have put more limits, or most likely she would have gotten bored. So there's really no solution. It's pretty sad. I mean, it's just human beings. A lot of us have a lot of trauma, and it is what it is. It's sad, but it's the truth.

Well, the situation is pretty hard because she fell in love with me. She even said she cared, and I know that was very hard for her. The way she was feeling vulnerable in her stories… she clearly had been crying for two weeks straight. You could see her eyes were puffy. And that just messed me up. It was pretty sad. If I had been this intense guy and she didn't get a reaction from it, I think it would have been a lot easier. But I just feel pretty bad knowing that this experience is probably just going to mess her up more. I feel responsible, and that makes me very sad. It also makes me sad that there’s nothing I can do. She just has a lot of trauma and there’s nothing I can do about it. And there are millions of people in the world with similar or worse situations, and there’s nothing you can do. It just is what it is.

I just wish there was like this magical place or world where everyone felt safe and I could give her so much love. I know she's capable of so much love also. I don't know, I just have this weird fantasy sometimes. I just wish reality didn't hit so hard. I wish I could really give her so much love. I love her so much and it's just sad that there's really no place to put it and it doesn't fit reality. I love her so much and I just want her to feel loved. I don't know, that's it. It's pretty much just a rant on my experience.