why do I care so much

I don’t know why I care so much, it really is just something small and stupid considering what it was, but I feel so apathetic. I already started to stop caring for myself again, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t try to go back to being this way, I’m trying to be happy because I know that I am happy. I can just remember everything exactly how I want to remember it, I’m stupid for never having felt so loved in my life that I would get so hurt like this, I don’t know why I’m so vulnerable and fragile, I shouldn’t be, it’s disgusting. I wish I could just end here, I haven’t had to do anything with this life for a long time. I’m not even sure if I’m depressed anymore, I don’t know if I’m even feeling sadness or anger or anything, I just feel nothing, my head doesn’t even ache as much as it did, it just feels like it’s spinning.

I’ve been trying to talk to people more, I wanna talk to girls, I really do, I really just want female friends, I can’t date or love right now, I can’t trust anything. I’ll forever love the real Ellie, she wouldn’t ever hurt me, or anyone, I’m just trying to be a good person like her. I wanna be a good person and help the world be better. Even though I haven’t been able to do anything my entire life, I still want to try, or at least believe I’m trying. I wonder why female attention cheers me up so much, I’m sorry, I’m weird, I’m always weird and perverted, but I never said anything to hurt anyone, I always ask if I’m being annoying or making people uncomfortable. I think I’ve said this before but I hate men, I hate being one, I hated, or feared women, for how they had made me felt, even though I romanticise them so much, I don’t know, I hate everyone. I wish I didn’t have to exist, I’ve wanted to not exist for a long time.