THE REEDUCATION OF WEEDSHREK: EPISODE 3
my dark compulsion continues and so we must enter episode 3: pursued by bear, published dec 5 2019. it is published dec 5 because two episodes into a new season they took a week off and uploaded a live show. no one, etc and so forth
episode description: A pleasant sleep is interrupted by an unsettling messenger, but leads to a delicious meal. Then, the fellas get some fake real world experience. Welcome back! Please enjoy!
critically, even here, in the third fucking episode of a like 40 hour campaign, travis cannot even manage to create a sense of tension in the episode description. an unsettling messenger, uh oh, what could th- don't worry!!!!!!! it leads to a delicious meal!!!!!!!!! its ok!!!!!!! nothing bad can happen!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently Playing: Happiness 4 Dummies - Royal & the Serpent
the recap at the start of the episode? holy shit, it's actually a lot better. using clips from the previous episodes he stitches together a quick outline of the characters and then the classes they took and how it went, except, weirdly, argo, who gets his blame taking class completely ignored to capture his interaction with jackal instead. hey i just realized the transcript has it written jackle why did he do this.
this theme music isn't bad, per se, but it really doesn't like, convey anything to me? but i guess how do you capture the rich complexities of grad's many facets in simple notes. only 80k word close reading recaps could ever manage such a feat.
we are now 2 for 3 on episodes opening on the main characters fucking asleep in their room. this time travis wants to know what they're dreaming about. this is, not necessarily, a bad concept as a means of icebreaker/getting everyone comfortable in their characters/warmed up. i mean like at a home game, in a roleplay heavy campaign, with people maybe newer to the idea of roleplay. as an aside, isn't it weird when the warmup is like part of the show? i watched heated rivalry recently, which i am lead to understand is a 100% completely faithful look at professional ice hockey, and they had them boys splayed out like dogs on the ice doing stretches. like why would you not do that before you get to the ice in front of everyone. or like orchestras always tune together at the start of a concert, and having been in high school orchestra, i feel like this is a mean prank because we definitely do a pre-tune backstage before going out and doing the official tune in front of the audience. anyway, graduation is happening
Travis: In what way? I'm not going to let you off with just that, Dad.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: I'm going to need—you can't just say—like, you're dreaming about the concept of bread?
travis why are you like this counter: 2
griffin takes a moment to dunk on his dad and then travis hits him with this
Travis: Now, how realistic is this bread dream? Is it playing out exactly the same way as you remember it?
no like seriously what are we doing here
Travis: Uh, and what about you, Firbolg?
Justin: He has the same dream that he has every night. He‘s at the fire, and he‘s with his clan, and he and he and her and he and her are all gathered around the fire. And then, his father stands and points into the woods. And that‘s always when he wakes up.
again, when justin is on it, he is so on it, that's evocative as hell dude.
but also i just sort of assumed, because i am an idiot who believes scenes and moments should matter and connect to other scenes and moments, that this was going to be the first lead-in to the firbolg mind control thing. because like how perfect is it that RIGHT after they meeting higglemas for the first time then the firbolg has a wacked out dream. like i assumed griffin and clint were read herrings, and then after justin describes his dream, travis would say something like "oh that's so interesting justin, because that does happen, like it does every night, but this time, something strange happens-- strange even for a dream. as your father points to the woods, the woods shift and morph into a different woods, and you see yourself walking along this path, and you reach down and pick up a rock. and you wake up."
but im a fucking moron its just even more fun to hear about the made up dreams of fictional characters than it is when your coworker describes their dream from last night to you
Travis: You open the door to see the skeleton of a squirrel there, holding a note in its paws, addressed to Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt.
thank fucking god everyone the skeleton squirrel is here. its knocking on the goddamn door instead of the window because travis is stupid
Fitzroy: I mean, where is it going to even put that? In its skeletal digestive tract? Does it have a bone tummy? The physics of that thing, I hate—
Travis: Y'know what, Griffin? Maybe it‘s just the principle of the thing, that it worked hard and it was appreciating, like, being appreciated. Y'know what I mean? Maybe it‘s not going to eat it. It‘s just gonna sit it and know that it did a job well done.
travis why are you like this counter: 3
Um, so you open the note, and it reads in a very fancy script, ―To his royal highness, Sir…‖ And ‗Sir‘ is written with like, eight I‘s and six R‘s. ―… Fitzroy Maplecourt, her ladyship Rainer Michelle would be pleased if you would grace her with your presence at breakfast this morning. Sincerely, her high lord ladyship, Rainer Michelle. P.S. Of course, the Firbolg and Argo are welcome as well.
this sucks, and sucks is written with like, eight u's and six s's. also, again, for how much of a fucking anglophile travis is, he knows nothing about noble rank. in what, in what fucking--where the fuck do you get YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS from. i'm not going to pretend to be fucking read up on the intricacies of noble title and how you address each one, but like it does not take a historian to clue in that the term with royal in it is probably reserved for the royal family. is fitz a prince???? you know what. it doesn't matter. fitz could actually be a prince and this would still blow ass it gives me the fucking hives
actually you know what no i'm still mad about this why is this signed rainer michelle, like you can have nobility who are lax about protocol or their titles, but if they ARE formally invoking their titles, they do it, well, formally. if she's signing this as high lord ladyship, then it should be followed with rainer, house of michelle of the bonelord barony or whatever the fuck. its just so LAAAAAAZYYYYYYYY
Travis: Okay! So you're heading to the dining hall. The three of you, walking together, a chance for three buds to catch up!
genuinely insane. this is a fucking SAW trap. tell me about your dream. great now recap the last episode to one another. its so fucking insane how professional screenwriters sweat over thinking of ways to avoid having to have a scene like this and travis thinks he's a big brain genius for noticing and then intentionally including it. some real "hey what's the point of all these fire alarms, if there's a fire the fire department just comes and puts it out" ass moments
this begins at 10:50 and ends at 13:18. They're all just vamping, but like what else can you do when your dm is like "ok now vamp" and then waits. fucking weird. anyway, justin says he was given a dunce hat which does get us this great little outburst from travis:
Travis: [laughs] Wait a minute, hold on! I don‘t know that I'm willing to let you force that upon my school rules!
...okay counter: 9, although to be fair, this was off of argo calling rainer a beautiful kelp bed, which is admittedly hard to respond to
Rainer: Is that good?
Argo: Mm, oh yes. Yes. Kelp is a beautiful vegetable.
Rainer: Okay. Doesn‘t really translate. You wouldn‘t say like, ―Oh, you look like beautiful celery!‖ But y'know what? I appreciate it. Thank you very much.
issuing a correction on a previous recap of min, regarding the dungeon master travis. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them"
....okay counter: 10
Travis: And it‘s a sweet crepe, loaded with berries and cream.
Fitzroy: [gasps dramatically] Rainer, you knew! It‘s—these are some of my—
Rainer: You've been talking about for like, the last two weeks.
Fitzroy: How did you know, Rainer?!
Rainer: You won't shut up. Yes, you keep saying. [laughs] You talk about crepes every day.
so according to this one line hidden 20 minutes into the episode, wrapped in a fucking inane bit, is how we learn that it has been TWO WEEKS since the last episode?????? no one is actually this stupid right? how did this happen. how??? this is also insane because it means travis is handwaving away actually bonding and getting to know each other and becoming friends as an off screen activity, but thinks it IS important to include a scene where the three pcs catch up because i fucking guess they did not talk to each other at all for two weeks even though they live together. god i would give anything to have a book fully written and edited by this man. he could birth a whole new genre of literature
whoo ok i'm back i'm riding high off of a big protein boost of shoveling wings into my face for lunch, and also clearing ascension 2 with the ironclad in sts2. i do not like this guy. my least favorite character in the game easily. i keep seeing exhaust cards that seem like it could make for a really interesting build, but i can't find enough ways to consistently trigger exhaust outside of like, an end game boss relic that i'm not guaranteed, and at that point i've already locked into another build path. i really like necrobinder and the regent though, they're great additions. regent a lot stronger but i really like how necrobinder plays. i like osty ok.
i'm also chugging a white peach soju so lets fucking do this
oh right i'm 15 minutes in and travis has forced a rainroy scene. what do you think he assumed the ship name for this couple would be? rainroy or fitzner? comment down below and don't forget to like and subscribe
....okay counter: 11. because travis for some godforsaken reason assumed when griffin said "i sit" he said it in character.
THIS CAMPAIGN IS SO FUCKING (dr harris) BONKERS (phd). now travis is asking in character as rainer how fitz is doing, the fucking thing HE MADE THEM ALL DO WITH EACH OTHER LITERALLY RIGHT BEFORE THIS SCENE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.
travis why are you like this counter: 4
Rainer: Oh! So that‘s still your plan, is to get a handle on this, and finish up there?
Fitzroy: Yyyes. I don't know why the… plan would… change?
Rainer: Well, I mean, they… sorry, kicked you out. And you got welcomed here. So why would you leave here to go back there?
alright chat, time to vote once again. shall we chalk this up to travis picturing that in the two weeks of off screen time where these two bonded fitzroy finally dropped his kayfabe and admitted he had been kicked out to rainer, or do we think this is just him being an omniscient dm
oh silly me, the only thing ambiguous about travis is his sexuality
Fitzroy: [...]And so, once I do that, I will make my way to Goodcastle, where I shall serve in the Queen‘s guard, and live out the rest of my days. Uh… have you… hmm. I told you all this, yes?
Rainer: Yes. I just thought that, at this point, y'know, it‘s been a couple weeks. You've gotten used to the place. You've made some new friends. That y'know, you'd see that you're welcome here, and they didn‘t...welcome you there. They didn‘t appreciate you the way we appreciate you here.
travis mcelroy wants to be john green sooooooo bad. god none of you told me how cringey this romance subplot was going to be. i'm trying to put it into specifics but there are just too many angles where this feels weird to listen to. its like, got the cadence and feel of a manic pixie dream girl confession at the climax of an indie romcom, but when you actually process the words its like a weird prescriptive list of things someone else has done and felt (which is doubly weird when we the audience have no knowledge of this because this is EPISODE THREE), the fact that its the dm is super weird, the whole thing feels forced and like you're being cornered at a bar by a man you are not interested in. dude i would get so annoyed if a dm did this to my character the fuck you mean i made friends here i get to decide that you freak
and so we are just gonna move past this and now we're learning that fitz likely got scammed into buying a fake knighthood, which i like as a backstory, but also doesn't super make sense with the rest of his currently established backstory? because according to this moment, fitzroy sent several payments to the kingdom of goodcastle, and eventually received a certificate naming him a knight of goodcastle, so now all he has to do is travel to goodcastle and serve the queen for the rest of his days. so why was he in knight night school? he doesn't need a degree in knighthood, he's already been knighted. why was he not working on getting funds to move to goodcastle, why was he taking night classes, which presumably cost money, instead? huh?? like if i get scammed into thinking i have a professional chef license or whatever, my next step is not to enroll in culinary school at my local community college. it would be....to go try to be a professional chef? like...what?
man, as you learn and grow it sure becomes hard to hold onto things, huh? nothing justin is doing (currently) with the firbolg is bad, per se, and if i had not read the dispossessed and seen what a generational talent can do with the concept of a man who comes from a society with no concept of ownership to live in a world of capitalism, this would probably seem pretty good.
Firbolg: We are under the table. I have upended it with my large frame.
Argo: Ohh, that‘s—that‘s—
Fitzroy: My creeepe!
Firbolg: It‘s a great shame.
Argo: Yeah.
Travis: The squirrel caught the crepe. Don‘t worry.
shut the fuck up travis counter: 5
can't even let them have something bad that's as low stakes as their breakfast being ruined happen in this show (of course it can't travis invented that crepe)
it's now occurring to me that this is the "delicious meal" mentioned in the episode description. jesus christ. a full half of the episode is going to be dedicated to this?
Gary: Eyyy everybody, it‘s me, Gary. Uhh, the gargoyle. Not a different Gary. Don‘t know if you all have met other Garys. I mean, not other Gary the gargoyle. Other non-gargoyle Garys. You get it.
Gary: Uh, very special day. It‘s y‘all‘s turn. For the first half of the day, you're gonna take a turn in the test tavern with Dakota, and work on your people skills. Uh, and then, the second half of the day, you're gonna spend some time down in the dungeon with Jimson. Uhh, and in between there, Fitzroy… you do have detention. Uh, don‘t forget about that. This is the last one. Uh, so you're gonna be meeting with Higglemas up in his office today. So uh, yeah! Any questions for ol‘ Gary? [pause] Okay, cool. Thanks for makin‘ me feel useful!
Griffin: [laughs]
Gary: You can head on down to that there uhh, to that there uhh, test tavern, and meet with Dakota whenever you're ready
so this is a school where i guess instead of having a class schedule, you just sort of learn day-of which professors feel like teaching which students. and also no rush, they'll start whenever you're ready they have nothing else to do.
also the weird passive aggressive thing when they don't have anything to say to the glorified PA system.
Justin: He will—he‘s not a vegetarian. He will eat, y'know, small rodentia.
JSSQRSAISME counter: 5
21 seconds of transition music which is mostly insane because like this guy has been professionally podcasting for how many years at this point. and actually been professionally a producer for other podcasts at this point. like what? come on.
Justin: I am going to do a Dungeons & Dragons move. Step back, everyone. I'm rolling dice. I'll do an investigation check of three.
this would be an annoying joke except for the fact that we are 26 minutes into this episode and i believe this is the first roll of the session. and that the previous roll made for this game was for a fucking tutorial combat.
Argo: Okay, I'm going to reach up and put my fingers on [the person passed out at the bar's] neck.
Travis: And as soon as you touch them, they turn around and go…
Germaine: Whaaa! Just kidding, it‘s me, Germaine!
Travis: And it‘s the skeleton from the practice dungeon, and a person all clad in dark black and red leather stands up from behind the bar and says…
Person: So, whaddya learned?
Fitzroy: Uh…
Argo: Uh… hmm…
Firbolg: Uhhh… you are very gifted pretender.
Person: Yes, that is a good lesson. But rule number one, when you're walking around the tavern is, one, never assume anybody is who‘s they say they are. And two, never assume anybody‘s drunk. That‘s someone you can use to your advantage. Drink water instead of beer, make it look like you're gettin‘ drunk. Make people see you as a drunk. Take advantage of that. But never assume someone else is drunk. That‘ll get you in trouble.
we all talk about the dismounting before meeting the centaurs, but travis, like any master storyteller, has planted seeds much earlier than that. so without giving the players any sort of description of the figure that would indicate, eg, them covering their entire head and face because they're a skeleton, you are going to pretend that this is some sick gotcha moment when the players then could not figure out this was a fucking animate skeleton. no one is impressed with your little monologue because you're gloating about something the players didn't mess up. because you're not good enough at this to actually trick them, so you have to rewrite reality on the fly and then act so fucking smug about it. travis genuinely gives the energy of andy in the first scene of toy story where he's playing with his toys. "you can't touch me, i have a force field dog!" "well it just so happens i brought my force field eating t-rex!" like we all know why andy was playing by himself.
Dakota: Oh, that wasn‘t the test. Oh no, that was just a little fun for me. Uh, my name is Dakota, by the way. I'm gonna teach you all here some people skills. Gonna teach ya how to interact with your standard tavern goers to get some information. Now, here‘s the deal. I'm gonna set you up with some people around here that you're gonna ask some questions of. Now, you can use whatever methods you want to. But you are lookin‘ for a couple pieces of information. Now, one of the folks in here is gonna have a map that‘s gonna lead you to a treasure-filled cave. You're trying to get that map from them. One of them—
Argo: Oh, great!
Dakota: Are you gonna let me finish, or…
Argo: Yeah, I'm just excited about the treasure!
Fitzroy: He likes treasure.
Dakota: It‘s not—okay. It‘s not real treasure, Argo. This is—
Argo: You people! You people offerin‘ money, and the—okay. Sorry.
Dakota: If someone says to you, ―You have five apples and I take one away,‖ you know they're not giving you apples, right?
Travis: As Argo says that, you look around the room and realize, every illusionary NPC looks exactly the same.
why is travis like this counter: 3
spoilers, but he doesn't then proceed to say "no haha ok so actually the npcs look like--" this is just now fucking canonical. he torpedoes his own fucking scene because he can't resist sticking one to his dad its WEIRD. because like a. what possible learning ability is there if you're not going to simulate actual tavern goers, and b. THEY'RE ILLUSIONS SO LITERALLY THEY COULD LOOK LIKE ANYTHING WHY
Rhodes: Okay, well, as I see it, we have to think about placement, right? That‘s the first key to figuring out who to talk to. So if you're looking for a fence, they probably wouldn‘t be, y'know, near a window or door, right? They'd probably be back in a corner?
i took another break but i'm back and hey guys, why are they doing this? i don't mean in a cosmic, metaphysical sense of like, why do they continue with this ass campaign, i mean like, they are at a school to learn how to be flashy stage fighters why do they need to know how to identify a fence. when would that ever be relevant. you need to find a hidden contact for some "castle based missions"? jesse what the fuck are you talking about. a treasure map??? shouldn't all your activities happen in populated areas because the whole fucking point is to entertain people????????
i guess, bless the thundermen, they've been given an asinine assignment and instead of just rolling 3 investigation checks and being done with it, they're trying to be creative. so fitz puts on expensive jewelry to....honeypot the rogues? they aren't supposed to be looking for rogues. they're looking for a guy with a treasure map, a guy who knows how to get into the castle (what castle?), and a fence. this might sort of work for the fence i guess, although generally people looking to fence stolen goods don't show up wearing them. anyway, travis calls for a performance roll and griffin gets a 12+2. here is the results of a 14 check:
Travis: Okay, yeah. You get some turned heads. It‘s hard for you to tell how many of them are like, interested in stealing the goods, versus how many of them are interested in what is going on. But you do notice, not everybody turns. You get, uh, I would say about two thirds of the room seems to be interested.
this is nothing! you have told them no things! are you telling me identifying these stupid npcs is a 15+ medium or higher difficulty?
clint once again being the fucking man, not only comes up with an idea that is not simply rolling investigation, but he also manages to narratively justify using his best stats to do so. i guess i should go back and figure out what stat fitz uses for casting to determine if griffin also did this, but with a +2 on performance i have to assume wild magic barb is not a CHA based class. anyway argo stealths around the tavern to eavesdrop on all the conversations. finds the castle guy with a 19.
Argo: Uh, hello. Listen, I just wanted to tell you – I was, uh… I was visiting the castle last week.
Person: You were?
Argo: Oh yes. Yes, um…
Person: I didn‘t see you there!
hey travis what the fuck is your problem. for someone who whines about how unrealistic it is you don't see people use the bathroom in movies, you sure love to do bullshit that makes no sense in the real world. travis established this npc as a "cleaner" at the castle. like why the fuck would they be on the pulse of every visitor to the castle?
Argo: Well, no. I mean, I wasn‘t there for very long. And I have to tell you… it was so clean. Spiffy. Not a speck of dirt. I—I—I admire your work. Now, this was—this was in one of the chambers. I wasn‘t allowed in the main—
Person: Which chamber did you think was the cleanest?
Argo: Uh, 7C. 7C. It was—
Travis: You're gonna have to do a deception check here for me, ol‘ Clinton.
Griffin: Yeah, a pretty good one, because that‘s the fuckin‘ wildest thing I've ever heard
Clint: Well, the seven seas, see.
Travis: No, I—yeah, that doesn‘t make the lie better.
Griffin: Oh, okay. You could‘ve said bathroom. Or kitchen.
what the fuck is this dude. fucking needlessly confrontational until you can justify making him do a second check and then ol griffy dipshit over here in the corner chiming in like a hypeman for the world's shittiest dm. griffin thinks it would be more plausible to compliment the kitchen, an area guests would never fucking see, and the bathroom, which would be a fucking chamber pot you fucking moron idiot asshole. LEAVE CLINT ALONE
travis keeps using this really artificial, somewhat robotic voice for the npc, because its an illusion, but it doesn't make any sense because this is supposed to be a very prestigious/good school so why would the training equipment be ass? this wouldn't teach you anything you'd need to know to do this in the field (not that you'd actually need to ever do this in your given profession), because the illusions talk like crazy people.
Argo: I'm admiring your work. I want to—I want to see more. I want to know your work, and that way, get to know you!
Travis: Uh, you're gonna have to roll a persuasion check.
Clint: Good lord.
Travis: Yeah, this is a class. It‘s a test.
Justin: What is the long—what is the long—can I just—what is the long game here? What is the goal that you are trying to achieve, out of curiosity?
Clint: What, Argo?
Justin: Yeah.
Clint: He‘s trying to get into that room. He‘s trying to—that was one of the—one of the chores they were given, wasn‘t it?
Travis: Yeah. Correct
first off, travis sounds actually mad when he says "it's a class, it's a test". Second, I thought initially, yes, thank you justin! what IS the goal we are trying to achieve, because this all feels like a huge waste of time!
nope, actually i just pinpointed the moment justin stopped caring, he's asking broadly what the fuck their mission objectives are because he hasn't been paying attention
Travis: Now, I will tell you, your persuasion check kept them on the hook, but you're gonna have to try a different tactic to fully lock it down.
clint got a middling persuasion, and i actually like what travis says here. this is an effective way to get around the "well i failed the roll. i guess i'll just try to same thing again and hope i pass this time" loop you can sometimes get stuck in with checks and non-combat scenes. not as elegant as say, a bitd clock, which i've really come around on liking mechanically, but i do appreciate the proactive corralling by the dm here to push for more varied solutions. especially since, yknow. the rest of it.
Rhodes: Um, okay. So, while you were doing that, I was scoping around. There‘s an NPC near the back there, uh, in a booth, kind of darting their eyes around a bunch. Y'know, hunched over. Maybe… maybe that‘s the fence?
Justin: Is it—Rhodes said ‗NPC‘?
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: I mean, they're virtual—they're holograms. I'll give Rhodes that.
man, griffin sure is up travis's butt this episode. maybe little brother has been reading some of the less than effusive reviews of ep 1.
also here we go again with the npc solving the problem for the players again. also like, ass justification, why would a fence act like this. travis has irreparably fucked up his worldbuilding because the teacher dakota also compliments argo for finding a way into the castle. what should have happened here is dakota should have congratulated rhodes for finding a way into the castle, and then rhodes should tell them something like 'great work team but i think we can act a little faster on the next two, let's go chop chop' because again the point of this premise should be that all the heroes and villains are lazy failsons from rich and noble families and the underlings are the ones who have to do literally everything for none of the praise or accolades.
rhodes being like "that guy is acting shifty" also means travis didn't have any planned ideas for if a player asked to do a perception check to read the room. he didn't have any flags or clues prepared and just figured they'd do the work of making this puzzle for him.
Rhodes: Okay. You do that, and then, if you get in trouble, uh, you do the blame taking thing, right? And then I'll come over and see if I can sort it out, right? So it'll be—you go. You go. You go.
literally what the fuck does this mean. how would firbolg "do the blame taking thing" in this scenario, when he's the only fucking person interacting with the fence. of course he would take the blame, he's the one who did it! is travis stupid.
....okay counter: 12
Firbolg: This is noble. Is very difficult. 80% of small businesses fold within the first year. This is a noble thing.
i'm trying to imagine what this campaign would have been like without justin here and it feels very bleak. what percentage of actually funny stuff that happens in this campaign do you think could be attributed to justin? 80? 90?
....okay counter: 13
as this becomes more of a verbal tic for him you know what i'm discovering is, he says it in the tone of a distracted parent being pestered by their kid while they're trying to do something that takes concentration. it's extremely "okay yes that's nice honey" before he launches into his planned thing
....okay counter: 14 we are off to the races baby
Travis: And now, uh, give me a performance check. Or would you rather—I'll give you the option. Are you relying on your ability to sell this, or are you relying on the quality of the lie?
this doesn't actually make sense. like its fine to give a player an option between two different skills that could possibly qualify but this specific phrasing is spaghetti words.
Person: Yes! I had just bought this very expensive map off of a trader! I hadn‘t gotten to go out and visit the cave yet, but he told me it was a beautiful cave full of stalagmites!
Fitzroy: Aw, that‘s bad luck, friend. That‘s bad luck. Yeah, cleaned it out. So, that‘s just a worthless piece of paper you got on your hands now. I need to go and shhh—have a… poop. And sometimes I get worried that they're not gonna have, uh, y'know, the TP that folks like you and me, y'know, folks who enjoy the finer things, crave. So why don‘t you—why don‘t you give me that, and I'll buy you a beer? The map.
Person: Well, it seems to me like it‘s not worthless to you. So let‘s make a deal. What about ten gold?
weird pivot where griffin doesn't want to say the word "shit" but like what is travis's deal. what about what fitz just said makes it seem like the map is worth something? if the justification is the lie sucks, like, he should get a deception check for it. like what is travis looking for here.
travis suggests trading one of fitz's many brooches for the map, griffin is weirdly reluctant for some reason? and then they settle on....arm wrestling? travis seems to just need to argue for an arbitrary amount of time and it doesn't really matter what's said after he'll agree to it. in developer circles this would be called "bad game design".
travis has an opposed strength check and then gives his npc PLUS THREE TO STRENGTH????????? THIS IS AN ILLUSIONARY FIGURE
and then travis has the npc give fitz the map anyway fucking kill me dude this shit is so ass
Travis: And they flip the lever, and all of the illusions pop out, and yes, yes, your brooches do fall to the ground. You can scurry to pick them up. Ugh. I'm a kind and benevolent DM.
Dakota: Well… yeah, technically, you did accomplish all three tasks, but… It wasn‘t the smoothest path there. You can see that, right?
you know, when you get the right answer on a test but your teacher feels your work wasn't the smoothest to get there. what the fuck are you saying.
Dakota: Yeah. Next time, you might try – and this is just a suggestion from me, the teacher – uh, lying.
yeah yeah we're on justin making it so the firbolg can't lie, but also justin took the one npc that you definitely do not need to lie to find. like fences need to be found by the right people, so there have to be signs to get you there, lying your way in actually seems like the least effective route.
Dakota: Alright, well, can I tell you what I saw? Let me give y‘all three some feedback here. Uh, first of all, Rhodes, you barely participated. Now, as a hero, I do think it‘s not a bad thing to stay back and make sure you have, y'know, plausible deniability. But next time, maybe try to mix it up a little bit. But here‘s the thing I look at here, fellas. There were three tasks, right? A map to a cave, sneakin‘ into a castle, and a fence for stolen goods. Now, you're the rogue of the party, Argo. Why didn‘t you look for the fence?
dakota is suddenly southern for some reason, but this shit is so ass dude. and its so imminently clear that travis put no fucking thought into this shit because clint has a very reasonable explanation, which is that sneaking into a castle is going to involve a lot of stealth.
this is clint being generous, of course, since the real answer for why argo took on the castle guy is because he rolled to check the room for the quest objectives and you gave him the fucking castle guy, TRAVIS. but also if we are assuming this is supposed to prepare you for the "real world" then unless the point is that they're all going to do these tasks separately (which can't be since there's a lame ass condescending "you need to work together" speech we'll get to in a sec) then all three (four) of them, after one of them obtains the castle information, would be sneaking into the castle!!!
Travis: Uh, and Dakota says to you, Argo, in thieves‘ cant…
Dakota: You need to make sure to use all the skills at your disposal, not just your first thought.
fuck off travis.
Dakota: You seem like the obvious choice to sneak into a castle. You're dressed all fancy. You look like you belong there. Why didn‘t you use your influence to get you in? You look presentable. That should be your lead-in.
that doesn't make any fucking sense travis.
Dakota: Listen, here‘s the thing. At the end of the day, the biggest take away all three of you should have is, you need to work together on stuff like this. Like, divide and conquer is fine, but if you got a Firbolg who can't lie, and if you want a rogue who doesn‘t want to go for the easy option, and you got a noble over here who‘s looking to expand, you gotta support each other, or you're making it so much tougher on yourselves.
Firbolg: Which was the special test for me?
Dakota: It‘s the treasure-filled cave. You're an outdoorsy friend. You could‘ve said, ―I can guide you. Is anyone looking for a nature guide?‖
'you're making it so much tougher on yourselves'
mfw 2/3 of the party explicitly justified their choices as challenging themselves
as for the firbolg, one more time,
so to find the guy with the treasure map, that you don't know, to a treasure located in an area you aren't aware of, you should just....loudly declare you're good with nature? why would anyone in a tavern be looking for a nature guide what the absolute fuck are you talking about. this is radioactive levels of idiocy
Argo: Let me say something here. I… this is all on me. I take total blame for our performance. Mostly because I… I made the first move, and I obviously chose wrong. So—
dude this guy kicks ass i wish his son didn't suck
Fitzroy: Noted. Thank you. Yes. Uh, so… are we… done? I suppose we got good grades? Are the grades good?
Dakota: Well, I mean, yeah. You passed. You're ready for some real world experience, I guess. Uh, I'm just saying – next time, make it easier on yourselves, y'know?
oh my fucking god its the ad break i feel like i've lived in this episode for years already
Travis: Hi, everybody! It‘s me, your best friend and dungeon master, Travis McElroy. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of The Adventure Zone: Graduation. I sure hope you're enjoying it, and you're in for a whale of a second half! But first, some important announcements.
[...]
Also, I'm going to be incorporating my own, like, fantasy store into the game. It‘s not going to be Fantasy Costco, but it‘s going to be something, y'know, along those lines. So, if you would like to submit an item for consideration, you can send it to AdventureZoneCast@gmail.com. Now, here‘s some things to think about. One, remember that this series has a bit of a different tone from Balance, so the items should feel a little bit different. And I'm wanting to make sure nothing is too overpowered. Listen, we all love the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom, but in this kind of—in this universe, where they're all like, sidekicks and henchpeople, I don't know that it would work out so well.
remember how oldsubbers love to jerk off about how this is a free product we're so blessed to have and the mcelroys owe us nothing? the fucking audacity of giving out notes on what kind of items to submit on this totally free product that is completely bereft of any exchange or expectation from one end to the other, especially before any items have been submitted? like its one thing if you got the guy who wants to fuck the pixar bugs life ant granny submitting "item that lets me fuck the pixar bugs life ant granny" every week to be like "hey i appreciate the enthusiasm of the submissions but to the one guy who keeps submitting the item that lets him fuck the pixar bugs life ant granny, that's not happening please stop sending it in, we'd like items that provide concrete mechanical benefits, thank you" but just assuming off rip your audience is too stupid to get your tone or balance items is so condescending. you also actually never have to say any of this because you can only use submissions you like you freak.
well as these dynamic ads i don't have to listen to play, i'll mention i'm watching Neighbors on HBO. its a docu-series about neighbors who are beefing with each other. they find some real freaks, its very much a similar caliber of person to those nathan fielder or john wilson find for their shows. i'm having a great time.
Posted Mar 26, 2026, 5:34 PM UTC · edited