THE REEDUCATION OF WEEDSHREK: EPISODE 3 (cont)
holy fucking shit. i'm back from the ads and i want you, seasoned jerker, to try to imagine what the funniest first sentence travis could say upon return from the adbreak could be. hold that in your mind. ok, are you ready?
Travis: And so, now, it‘s the second half of the day. You guys have all had lunch. What‘d you have for lunch, huh?
like this shit is un-jerkable because this is already peak. this must be what the onion staff feels like on a regular basis these days because what do you MEAN he's ASKING ABOUT THEIR FOOD AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Griffin: I was in detention, so I had gruel. ‗Cause that‘s how they do it here.
Travis: Now, did they make you eat gruel, or was that just like, an optional—
Griffin: They made me eat it off the floor like a dog. This school sucks.
Travis: I don‘t think that‘s true. No, they wouldn‘t have done that.
el em ay oh
this lasts from 1:01:51 to 1:03:36 and it is literally just them describing food they ate. and then we move on. like what the fuck. munch squad ass campaign. speaking of food based campaigns, here's a plug for the dungeon world hack based on mcdonaldland that i made one time because i had a lot of free time at my job
class counter: i don't fucking know, was that last thing a class? this one is called dungeon class so i guess that fucking counts? what, 4?
Jimson: Nope. Whoa. The fight‘s not with me. I'm going to pair you with Rolandus, but this class is for you, so I expect you to not just rely on his battle techniques, but also your own. We‘re gonna start out pretty slow, here. So, let me know when you've got everything equipped, and we‘ll get going.
once more i am complaining about the structure of this world, something that will be a consistent theme and the majority of my word count for this campaign, i suspect. because sure, it makes sense that new sidekicks would get shuffled through a number of heroes and villains to see who has good rapport, but rolandus is a peer to buckminster, and buckminster is far enough down his track that he has a dedicated chosen sidekick already. so why the fuck would rolandus be paired with the freshmen. shouldn't he have picked his dedicated [whatever, i don't know if he's a hero or villain and it doesn't matter] already?
Rolandus: Yes, hello. Oh! Hello. Fancy lad. Fancy friends. Good to see you again.
fuck this podcast
Rolandus: I heard you lost an arm wrestling match to an illusion. [laughs]
Argo: [hisses through teeth] Wow. Scuttlebutt really gets around in this school, doesn‘t it?
Rolandus: Well, Buckminster told me right after you told him, so… we were sitting at the same table. It wasn‘t like, a weird secret thing. Let‘s not turn this into a big deal, alright?
THIS DID NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. he--he--he makes me sit through his inane lunch talk, and then just invents a scene that WOULD HAVE HAPPENED DURING LUNCH and just says that happened this is fucking insane this is actually gaslighting. also according to travis's own stupid imagination, both buckminster and rolandus were sitting at the same table with them, they told buckminster, and then buckminster turned around, at the same table everyone is at, and told rolandus. why don't you die. how about that.
Travis: Okay. As you open the door, the room is dark, and suddenly, the torches on the walls flare, and the skeletons get a sneak attack on you, because they rolled like a 19 for initiative.
travis:
- mocks his dad for using sneak attack correctly
- turns around and uses sneak attack incorrectly
- "rolled like a 19" he's just making up numbers again for his npcs
Travis: Victoria‘s gonna take a swing at you, Argo… uh, ooh, that‘s a 14 plus five. That‘s a 19. Oh, excuse me, it‘s an 18. Does that still hit?
???
Travis: Uh, and the last one takes a swing at Rolandus.
Griffin: Please hit.
Travis: And they miss by a country mile.
Griffin: Damn it.
Travis: Rolandus dodges coolly out of the way. Clearly, this sneak attack thing is something that the skeletons have done before, uh, so he is not surprised by it. Uh, and next up is Argo.
did you know that travis is nicknamed scraps because every idea he has ever had belongs in the scrap heap.
before i paste in this next bit of text, let me remind all of you one of the things travis says in the adventuring academy is that he thinks combat is boring because its just two characters rolling dice at each other, so he tries very hard to give his players chances to "swing from the chandeliers" and do creative stuff in fights. let's learn about the environment they're fighting in, shall we?
Travis: Now, as you look around the room, now that you're in and the torches have flared, there‘s some like, crumbled columns that might provide cover (editor's note: well i'll be damned, 5e does have cover mechanics technically. ok fine). Uh, there‘s some uneven, broken ground over in a corner over there (e/n: i guess this is difficult terrain? in the corner. of a room. of indeterminate size.). You see, there‘s some falling water in one corner where it seems to fall directly into a grate (e/n: i have no idea how this is supposed to inspire someone to do some creative combat).
Clint: Okay, I think uh, yeah. How about if he, uh… he moves stealthily but quickly to kind of hide behind one of those tumbled, crumbled columns?
Travis: Uh, is there anything you can do to create some kind of distraction? Because otherwise, it‘s going to be hard to do that without them seeing you.
this doesn't make any sense because once you're behind the cover you're out of their sight so you can just sneak back out in a manner they don't see, but hold on because i'm about to get mad again
Travis: So let me remind you… you don‘t have to be hidden to use sneak attack.
Griffin: Right.
from episode 1:
Clint: Alright! So, he uh, pulls his rapier out. He calls her Hertha, and uh, does a sneak attack.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Don‘t you need to sneak?
Clint: Well…
Justin: No one has ever seen it coming more than this skeleton that is begging for you to attack it.
Griffin: Yeah.
i hate griffin? i hate griffin.
Justin: Excellent. Now comes the real magic, when I roll a d8! ‗Cause that‘s the damage that shillelagh does. It‘s a seven!
Travis: Yeahhh! He explodes to pieces! And his skull says…
Germaine: ‗Ey, good job! I'm so proud of you! I'll just sit over here ‗til you're done!
I know i've said this before, but it is so brave of travis to take the time honored feeling of accomplishment you get from rpg games when you kill your foe, and replace it by your foe going "you can't hurt me but i'm so proud of you" just seriously how does he imagine this is going to be received by literally anyone
Travis: And Rolandus is gonna take aim, uh, at… let‘s say… Rattles. Uh, and he rolls a 17, plus whatever, but he definitely hits. And he is then going to invoke, because he is bored, divine smite. When you hit with a melee weapon, you can expend one spell slot to deal 2d8 extra damage.
Fitzroy: He just exploded him in like, one swing. And he turned his staff into magic and exploded Germaine. I mean, I loosened that particular pickle jar lid, but… it just doesn‘t seem it‘s especially educational, is all I'm saying.
Jimson: Oh. I see. Well, I would hate for you all to feel like you weren‘t getting, y'know, a lesson out of this. What do you think, Rolandus?
Rolandus: I am incredibly bored.
Jimson: Oh. Uh… I see. Well, then, let‘s move to phase two.
when your shit is so busted you even roleplay your own guys being bored of the shit you've come up with.
don't worry, phase it is SUSAN THE BEAR BABY!!!!!!!!
although travis introduces it as just a brown bear. and like. there are over 300 creatures listed in the base 2014 5e monster manual. the most interesting and exciting thing he could come up with was a bear.
Jimson: This—this is Susan, uh, the brown bear. She is also very magical. She feels no pain, uh, and will heal up immediately, so do not worry about harming her. No animals are to be harmed in the workings of this school. In fact, after the battle is done, she won't remember any of this. So treat this as if it were just a battle out in the woods.
Fitzroy: Kind of sad existence Susan leads if you ask me.
Jimson: Well, she‘s well taken care of, and she‘s fed three meals a day, and she‘s immortal. So, I don‘t see… where the issue lies.
it is so funny the way travis makes problems and then tries to fix them and makes them worse instead of just choosing not to make the problem in the first place. because he picks this bear as the next challenge (btw we are moving from a CR of 3/4 with three skeletons to a CR of 1 with the brown bear, what an upgrade in difficulty). And then he thinks, oh no, what if people get sad about the animal (tbf a valid concern considering the taz fanbase), so i better think of a bunch of explanations for why they can fight this bear, like it lives an eternally tormented life. when my players realize this is still fucked, i will get very defensive about it. instead of like. just choosing a fantasy monster to begin with. or like. he already used illusions once (for some reason). why not make it an illusion bear. literally every other solution anyone could think of would solve this better than he did. because he is stupid.
if you were worried about this blazing combat getting bogged down by boring descriptions of what's going on, fear not, we've already fully committed to "up next is Victoria, who is going to take aim at the Firbolg, and roll a 16 plus four, a 20. [...] she does five points of damage to you"
he established earlier that the skeletons have "y'know, kind of rusted swords and axes and that kind of thing"
no further establishment on who has what kind of weapon.
Griffin: Well, I think it‘s like rage in name alone, where it‘s not like—and we had talked about this sort of when we were coming up with characters and stuff, that he‘s not like—he doesn‘t turn big, bulking, muscly Kratos-like rage for him. It‘s like, again, uncontrolled magic. So I think of it like in uh… like in Kiki‘s Delivery Service, whenever she flies on her broom, just like, all of the grass on the ground moves away from her, as if like this—well, I was gonna say a wind is coming out of Fitzroy, but then, somebody‘s gonna make a fart joke, and this is an emotional moment for me. Uh, but it‘s like that. Like, I think things just move away from him. Uh, and a lot of the time, I think, really bad stuff happens when he goes into a rage, but this is a particularly minor one.
this is such a nothingburger of a description lmao. having a twinky little noble go hulkmania on someone is also actually way more evocative than whatever the fuck shitty little anime powerup sequence griffin is envisioning
Griffin: So, I realize what‘s happening, and I try to gain faculty of my senses, and am grateful that I haven‘t exploded or turned anybody into a catfish or anything like that. And… in an attempt to still do something magical, I pick up Snippers and just try to throw Snippers at the bear. I don‘t think I'm thinking straight, necessarily.
Travis: No, I would have to say you're not. I don't even know what that roll would be? Uh…
its a ranged attack with an improvised weapon travis this is not hard
Griffin: Well, they should‘ve thought about that before they gave it to a barbarian. So, for hand axe, which is another thing I have which I'm not throwing for some reason instead of throwing Snippers, my magic crab, uh, it‘s a plus five attack. Sooo… that is a… 23 total.
you do not have crab proficiency griffin, you do not get a fucking +5 to this attack
Travis: Okay. I'm gonna say, since Snippers is all claws and pincers, uh, that—
Griffin: And chitin.
Travis: And chitin, that it‘s gonna be a d6 plus six.
putting aside for one second that once again griffin is getting proficiency bonuses for no goddamn reason, travis has decided that a crab deals the equivalent base damage range of a handaxe, javelin, short bow, or spear.
Travis: Well, ‗cause of your enraged form, I assume you're chuckin‘ the hell out of him. And because your attack was so good, you're getting it in the face.
huh?????
Justin: Yeah, I'm gonna attack the skeleton with my shillelagh. I'm gonna—I'm—yeah, he‘s not a creative fighter at this point. He‘s just gonna attack the skele—it worked last time. So, he‘s just gonna go with that. Attack, uhh… Susan? No, not Susan. Susan‘s the bear. Valerie?
this campaign is so fucked i can't decided if checking out by episode 3 is like, very fast, or surprisingly slow
rolandus casts lay hands on both fitz and argo to heal them to full, something you cannot do. he then dashes away from susan. griffin calls out there should be an opportunity attack, and then travis lies about rolling for that:
Travis: Yeah, so the bear does miss. Rolled a three. Um, so, he is able to dash away and get behind that crumbled column.
travis then, i guess ad hoc, decides to give susan a third multi-attack so he can attack all three of the players.
clint continues to be the only cool guy at this table, he's going to jump on susan's back and use his sling as a bridle to make her rear and expose her belly.
Travis: Hey, thank you for letting me use this skill check for what I have to imagine is the most literal use of it. I'm gonna need an animal handling check, here.
Justin: [laughs]
Clint: Okay. And that is a… [laughs] It‘s a 19 minus one, 18.
Travis: Yes, okay. You are able to—y'know, okay. Here‘s what I'll say. We‘ll use that roll for an acrobatics check to get onto the bear‘s back. Because that in and of itself is up there.
Griffin: Oh, I don‘t think he‘s—I don‘t think he‘s riding the thing. He‘s just trying to… right?
Travis: He said he leaps on the bear‘s back.
Griffin: Oh okay
this sequence has everything! clint doing something cool! travis backdating rolls in an illegal manner and increasing clint's likelihood of failure, probably out of spite! griffin backseat dming and being wrong about everything! no one's doing it like the mcelroys
my phone is getting so hot
Travis: Um, so yes, you finish the bear off. Uh, and she collapses to the ground. You slide off, Argo. And then, she immediately rises back up, and now she‘s more like Winnie the Pooh. Seems pretty happy, and heads back into the room, and you see in there… y'know, there‘s a big pool to swim in, and a big jar of honey. Gets a smackerel out of it.
Griffin: We get it, Trav. It‘s good. It‘s a good set up for the bear.
for probably the last time this campaign, they actually end combat by defeating all the enemies, and then this practice fight where explicitly no one can get hurt, plus two weeks of unseen activity in school, means they level up from 1 to 3.
Jimson: You, all three of you… well, all four of you, I should say. Rolandus, you did a good job not taking over the fight and letting them carry their own weight.
to remind everyone, everybody's favorite teacher jimson is explicitly the sidekick combat teacher, and his husband, crush, is the hero/villain combat teacher. so why the fuck is he not here teaching rolandus.
hieronymous shows up for some reason? the guy who is specifically the dean of the heroes and villains?
Hieronymous: Well, I need to be moving along. Many other classes to oversee and students to check in with. But I just wanted to say, uh, for all three of you – my door is always opens. So if you ever need help, or if you ever feel like there‘s something here that we can improve on, or y'know, if you ever have any issues you need addressed, you can come talk to me any time.
this is probably the only time i'm going to do this but i mapped out the entire fight to see how many rounds it took and how closely they followed initiative order
- All three skeletons ("like a 19")
- Argo (11)
- Fitz (5)
- Firbolg (4)
- Rolandus (not declared)
Round 1
- Unspecified skeleton attacks fitz (miss)
- Victoria attacks Argo (hit)
- "last one" attacks Rolandus (miss)
- Argo sneaks to behind cover
- Fitz attacks germaine with shocking grasp (hit)
- Firbolg casts shillelagh and hits germaine (hits, kills)
- Rolandus attacks rattles (hits, kills)
Round 2
- Susan i guess joins at the top of the initiative order, attacks fitz and rolandus (hits both)
- Victoria attacks firbolg (hits)
- Argo attacks susan (hits)
- Fitz enters a rage and attacks susan (throws snippers? hits)
- Firbolg attacks victoria (hits)
- Rolandus casts lay hands
Round 3
- Bites firbolg (miss) and swipe fitz (miss), and then somehow attacks argo? (miss)
- victoria does not get a turn
- argo exposes the bear's underbelly with three different checks because travis sucks
- fitz attacks susan with one of the discarded skeleswords (hits, kills)
- Firbolg attacks victoria (hits, kills)
Travis: It is late. Far later than it should be (e/n: this doesn't mean anything). The sky is bright with the full moon, but there‘s plenty of darkness if you know where to look (e/n: what?). We see a figure move through said darkness. Every so often, a glint of blue scales in the moonlight (e/n: well so much for him moving through the darkness). He moves quietly. So quietly, to the front door of the school (e/n: hey where are the dorms located). He moves up the stairs, making not a sound. (e/n: you literally JUST said he is moving quietly in the previous sentence, this is redundant) He reaches a door. Through the door, he finds a balcony. Sitting on the edge of the balcony is Jackle.
Jackle: Argonaut Keene…
Argo: Yes. What?
Jackle: Were you able to obtain it?
Argo: Aye… I obtained it. It was right where you said it was gonna be.
Travis: And Argo reaches out his hand and hands a leather-wrapped package, small, about the size of his palm, to Jackle.
Jackle: Ah! Excellent! And did anybody see you?
Argo: No. It was… in and out. No muss, no fuss. No trace. Just like a… good little thief would do.
Jackle: Excellent.
Travis: And as the moonlight glints off dark, oily feathers, the night gets a little bit colder.
here we get a look at what travis's ideal campaign would look like. every scene would be this. a badly written monologue by travis. the player says their lines. travis then narrates stuff the player supposedly did. more bad prose. genuinely, like a normal dm: hey clint, do you have some time later? there's a special mission argo has that i want to play through with you privately (or better yet just receiving the mission privately and then argo has to actually accomplish it while with the party). instead we get whatever the fuck this is.
that's it! another episode finished. I am poorer for the experience.
Posted Mar 26, 2026, 5:34 PM UTC · edited