making friends is so hard

i feel like the way i always describe it to myself and others is that being around people, interacting with them, always feels like a game of chess where there is a perfect moveset that can be made. or a dating sim, where the right words need to be said to secure the route, or... etc.

am i just fundamentally dehumanizing others? i struggle to even want to be around people. it feels like all i care about is whether or not they find me pleasant to be around. it's tiring. and when i see people acting the same way as me, i feel disgusting. it disgusts me to see someone worried about what others think of them. it disgusts me to see someone preoccupied with their appearance. it disgusts me when people try to employ these tactics on me specifically- its like, do you think i can't see through you? we're the same disgusting person deep down. we are the same and i hate you for it.

or, i love them for it. because there's no one more fun than someone that struggles like you do. it's really so messy. do you see how quickly my opinion just changed? i seriously don't feel like a real person sometimes.

i want to be around secure people, it feels like everyone i meet is insecure. but sometimes i wonder if it's just being in my presence that makes people feel that way. maybe they can sense how severe i consider everything to be.