I hate how fragile my romantic attachments are

I have always struggled to connect with people romantically, despite desiring romantic connection. Emotionally, it feels kind of like always keeping a suitcase packed and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

In some ways, I’ve gotten better about this and have come a long distance. In the past, romantic relationships, eventually, would make me feel trapped, like I was being cornered, and I’d have this crazy urge to escape. Being alone was a comfort. It felt safe. It still does.

Now, when I feel that “suffocating” feeling, I am significantly better at regulating and reassuring myself that I’m not trapped. However, I still cannot make myself unpack that suitcase. It just manifests differently now.

Trying to heal my closed-off nature opened the door for another level of vulnerability that freaks me out in an entirely different way. The second something feels off, it’s like there’s this little voice in the back of my mind, telling me, “see? I knew it. This will never work.”

If the guy I’m dating starts texting me differently, if he is underwhelmed by a gift I got him, if he and his coworker feel just a bit too close, if something simply registers as “off” in a conversation, etc… it feels like confirmation that I’ve waded too far out into the water and need to call it off and swim back to shore where things are certain and safe.

I wish I wasn’t like this.