[387] The Veil Between Worlds - opening paragraphs.

I have a kick-arse idea for a fantasy concept. But besides the point, I want to open the saga in a way that hooks the reader to continue past the first sentence, paragraph, page, etc. I'm not sure if it's better the explain up front what I'm going for with the character, or let reddit judge for itself. I want to improve and to write something humanity deems worth reading so be savage and picky; just don't tell me to quit.

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Astred had imagined that leaving would feel grander.

He had imagined this moment a hundred times in the quiet hours of the scriptorium; striding out with purpose, the wind catching his robe heroically, the monks watching, forced to acknowledge his conviction in action. Instead, no one had come to see him off, and the only thing catching his robe was a bramble. So Astred sheepishly hustled through the gate with his head down, unsure if the cough he heard behind him was a monk surprised to see him leave, or just someone about their daily chores.

His makeshift shield; a rectangular slab of old fence pickets, lashed together with twine and stubborn optimism; rattled on his back like a bundle of kindling. The wooden cudgel he carried was the closest thing he could find to a proper mace. These were the implements that a world faring cleric needed; or at least this was implied by the illustrations in the monastery's library books.

He paused to adjust his coarse brown robe, which was collecting burrs at a concerning rate. His breath fogged in the morning air as he risked a glance down into the valley. He knew there had to be a village somewhere down there; every monk understood that the monastery’s trade had to pass through some kind of foothill settlement; but he had never seen it himself. The idea of it had always filled his imagination with warmth: friendly faces, bustling paths, hearthfire, real conversation. A place where life happened out in the open instead of behind stone walls.

The nearest village lay below.

Perfectly ordinary.

Perfectly full of possibility.

Surely full of people in dire need of Astred's service.

He turned back toward the monastery perched near the summit. Its pale stone walls looked calm, solemn, unchanged. No one stood watching. No one had tried to stop him; of course monks were not prisoners. But when he’d announced he wished to descend the mountain to "serve humanity," the silence that followed had been so thick... let's just say 'silence speaks louder than words' and the learned know when best to speak the language.

The Head Abbot had folded his hands, spoken gently, and said only: "If you believe you must go, then go. Return only once you find the world differs from your naïve preconceptions."

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crit: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1oydfrp/comment/np4rkis/