I (22F) studied abroad last semester. Perhaps one of my most favorite experiences but I came back to my hometown really depressed due to a couple of things: feeling like a lot of my friendships abroad were one-sided, having no idea what to do with my life, difficulty family dynamics. 

I was unable to sleep because I was obsessively thinking about mortality, like what’s the the point of my life. I would get panic attacks doing random errands so i started staying at home, barely leaving my house and frankly being a not so good friend due to this.

Once i got on medication and therapy, my immediate friend group invited me out to chili’s and for the firts time in a while i didnt cancel. They asked me what was up, why have i been so absent, and i told them, and they were incredibly supportive and kind.

Within this friend group we have a mutual friend (let’s call him Josh) who doesn’t really hang out as much with us (he wasn’t at Chili’s that night) but we all went to the same high school, he just goes to a different university. 

Josh invites us to his house for a little get together. I cancel two days before citing money issues (the truth was the idea of going sounded overwhelming). He then gets mad at me sending me a text saying, something along it the lines that he didn’t appreciate me canceling something he planned for so long. And I left him on read because at the time I felt like I didn’t have anything nice to say, because to be honest he cancels things on me all the time. 

I later feel very happy I didn’t even go because I found out he invited two people I don’t like. One basically being a former friend of mine who treated me like trash and body shamed one his “friends” and the other guy is just an ass towards women, only knows how to make crude sexist jones. I have told him several times that I don’t like them and I don’t want to hang with them, and he invited me to a function that they were going to be at, while I was at my worst… no thank you.

A two weeks later when I’m more clear headed , i respond tell him basically that, the reason I canceled was that getting the together was overwhelming to me and I used money as an excuse because I felt embarrassed to say it was depression, I would say it was a very vulnerable text and I wish I didn’t looking back because he took what I said and said it was me playing victim (another context is we’ve been friends for 10 years).

We go back and forth.

He leaves me on read and so then I ask, “can you atleast tell me exactly why you are mad, I wanna to he a better person everyday.”

He leaves me on read.

A couple weeks later my friend (who he knows through me and he only knows like two of the 14 people going) has a game night at her house. He finds out because Josh is in the group chat. Be aware Josh NEVER goes to anything. Josh texts me that same night that “I hope we can be cordial and that he’d respond to my previous text later.”

He comes to the house and doesn’t even greet me. I greet everyone except him. Our mutual friend goes up to him and saying how we should try to talk it out in person because things don’t get done through text well.

The next day he responds finally to my text. Sending me several bulleted lists saying everything I’ve ever done wrong in the previous text. Saying all he wants is me to apologize but he was very disappointed with how I acted saying how I don’t take accountability and keep playing victim (which is true I didn’t apologize but o did validate is feelings; I didn’t feel the need to apologize because he never apologizes to me when he cancels) 

I send him a final text keeping it simple, I apologized and wish him best of luck with his life and blocked him.

At the moment I felt so sad, I threw away 10 years of friendship. But as I look back I feel free, I feel like I only ever served him in our friendship. I was the non judgmental friend, when he needed advice on something he’d go to me. I’d celebrate everything he did and I felt he barely celebrated me.

But I do feel sad time to time, mainly cause I really did love him as a friend. I have a gift from abroad that I haven’t been able to give him and now I don’t what to do with it. I still want him to have it. But I just feel really hurt by him, and knowing that I’m never going to have that friendship.

It also sounds silly, but i also feel he was sexist towards me. Holding me to such high moral standard, i got a job at an AI company, and he didn’t congratulate me because “AI bad.” But im a first gen no connections college student. Meanwhile the friends who he defends continuously for being assholes (his own girlfriend doesn’t like them) he continues to be there for them.

I just hate loosing friends, I feel like give my all to people. But rarely get atleast 30% and hurts why I’m so disposable to some people. After my depressive episode I cut so many people out my life but this one was the most disappointing one to cut.

Anyways here’s my protein bowl, I got it from maman, it’s the papas bowel but I add more eggs for gains.

Perhaps for insight on maybe something I could’ve done better in this situation cause I was truthful when I said I want to be a better person everything. 

I feel free but sad