[QCrit] MG Fantasy - MONTABELLE MANSION (50K/Fourth attempt)

First Attempt Second Attempt Third Attempt

The other drafts didn't seem to be working, so I tried completely rewriting it.

Dear (editor’s name),

I hope you might consider my 50,000 word middle grade fantasy, MONTABELLE MANSION. Combining magic and mischief with the real life troubles of accepting oneself, fans of Unseen Magic by Emily Lloyd-Jones and The Memory Spinner by C.M Cornwell may enjoy my book.

When eleven-year-old Roz speaks, little coincidences can happen like magic. Not that it ever helps with anything important, like Mom always being busy at work, or Dad coming back. Even Christmas can’t go her way, as Roz’s expected quality time with Mom is interrupted by the arrival of cousin Horatio, leaving her feeling like a third wheel in her own living room.

But what should’ve been a silent night takes a horrific turn when a beast breaks into the house and steals Mom away. With no adults believing her, Roz takes the situation into her own hands, even piecing together a clue to where the beast has gone: Montabelle Mansion, the maze-like home of a family who vanished ten years ago, and a place Mom never wanted to talk about.

A rescue mission becomes a quest for survival when Roz–and tagalong Horatio–discover the family still inside, serving the very witch who cursed them. Now the cousins are trapped, too. Through enchanted storybook rooms, winding Victorian halls, and stacks of pancakes made by an invisible cook, Roz and Horatio must unravel the mystery of her mom’s kidnapping before the witch decides to curse them next, or else force Roz to become her magical heir.

Roz wonders how far she’s able to go to get her family back. And do annoying cousins count?