[562] On Tipping in New York City
This was my first stab at satire. Looking for the honest opinion of strangers.
Tipping in New York City
On Monday I ordered a coffee from the café beneath my apartment. I have ordered many coffees during my time in New York City and thus can say with confidence that the subsequent display of customer service was nothing short of the purest artistry.
To begin the barista performed a half turn towards the coffee pot behind him with such grace I became hard pressed to convince myself I was not attending a ballet. He then removed the top paper cup so smooth and stylishly that I could not tell if the tower of identical paper cups from which it had been taken was even reduced in size. With his prize in one hand and coffee pot in other, he filled the vessel in such a way that I was sure this was no longer a beverage order but a contemporary artist’s take on the warmth and fullness only a mother’s love can provide. The sleeve was applied with a flourish of the wrist that made it clear the show was coming to a close and everyone watching began to think about how terrible it is that all things must come to an end.
The euphoria I experienced witnessing this performance was so intense I had complete confidence it would sit upon the peak of all my experiences as a human until I felt the bewilderment that followed when he turned the iPad around to receive my payment.
Twenty, twenty-five, and thirty percent.
The default gratuity options on this commerce focused Apple product were an offense to this bohemian’s work so severe that I do not doubt Steve Jobs managed to alleviate any bed sores he may have acquired over the last few years by laying in the same position. Anything short of a 200% tip was a clear indication that the recipient of this piece was uncultured swine with absolutely no appreciation for the arts.
I gave the performer a standing ovation in addition to this month’s rent money and left the café proud of my ability to recognize a magnum opus when I saw one.
I proceeded to have similar experiences picking up a bottle of wine, doing my laundry, and purchasing a bag of skittles from the drug store. How lucky are the inhabitants of this city to be so completely immersed in the arts even as they go about such mundane tasks. Watch the practiced hand of a cashier scan your potato chips and suddenly the suggested thirty percent increase in price feels like a privilege!
There are, of course, some unfortunate exceptions to this artistic mandate.
I have, for example, endured a doctor’s appointment where my appendix was removed in a rather matter-of-fact manner and I once employed the services of an exterminator who did nothing more than remove the bugs from my apartment. I suppose you cannot blame these individuals for going about their professions in such a philistine manner, but I am glad to report they at least had the self-awareness not to perform their transactions on a rotating touch screen tablet. The proffering of a tip in these circumstances would only be gratuitous.
These outliers notwithstanding, it can only be the grace of God or some similar level of divine intervention that has allowed me to run my errands in this great city financially destitute but so grossly affluent in both culture and artistry.
Posted Jun 4, 2026, 1:52 PM UTC