Follow-up post: Feeling guilty because of accidental CP encounter

Hey everyone,

About two months ago, I made a post here where I explained that I had stumpled upon some gross CP gifs and how much it disturbed me.
Here is the link if you want to read it (highly recommended to know what's going on):
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1see7kt/

Here

My mood has gotten a lot better, and I think I'm finally able to share the rest of the story. I never did, because I don't know what anyone would think of me when they would hear this. I don't even know what to think of myself.

As mentioned before, there were page popups opening.

Out of curiosity, I then clicked on the ad there, which opened a photo gallery website of children in bikinis.
I kept clicking around on these websites to see what other crazy things opened (super stupid, I know).

Some time passed with aimlessly clicking around, and eventually, a gallery with actual, real CP gifs opened.
This shocked and overwhelmed me in such a weird way that I finished masturbating to these horrible gifs. Under no circumstances would I ever be able to do this.
I seriously don't know what was going on with myself at that moment.

And Immediately after that, I felt horrible. I was constantly thinking "What have I done? I'm a monster!" and could barely sleep that night, I even had a panic attack at 4am or something and stayed up until 6am, trying to fall asleep while praying to god to forgive me.

The next day, I called my mom, told her what I saw (not that I finished masturbating to this because that was simply too much), and she came home immediately. We called the police and I gave them all the necessary information to report the websites from my ISP browser history.

I'm not a pedophile, I know that. I don't want to be one, I'm not that kind of person. But this moment made me feel like one. The people uploading and making these photos and gifs should forever rot in hell.

It's been four months now since this happened and recently, these memories get triggered whenever I see a child while being outside or on the internet or anywhere. I think it's called "intrusive thoughts". I blink to make them go away, but they come back, so that's probably not a good method.

I built up the courage to tell this to a good online friend of mine, with every detail. He understood and told me that I am not a bad person. But I just can't forgive myself.
Fuck