Must watch for fellow avoidant-leaning FAs

Putting the video links in the comments please watch if you’re like me (FA leaning avoidant) and have been struggling to find helpful content online.

Most of the coaches want you to buy some mysterious class or focus on nervous system reset through breath work and somatic exercises. Not to say that those things won’t help, but I’ve been highly skeptical as to the practical application of how it could heal the unique wounds FAs have around trust/vulnerability/abandonment. Not to mention the need to feel seen and understood without actually opening up 😅

I stumbled on Adam Lane Smith’s videos on quiet disorganized attachment and holy hell, it’s so spot on for me. He’s the only one I’ve seen really differentiate between types of FAs and he refers to quiet disorganized as the invisible insecure attachment because they suppress and internalize emotions but don’t have the same degree of emotional stuntedness/lack of desire for connection like a DA. More like a fear of their complex inner world being misunderstood or judged and freezing up when being asked to express a need or a feeling, especially face to face on the spot.

Most of the other things I couldn’t relate to with a lot of the attachment coaches when they talk about healing strategies. I think it has been because they mostly gear it to the loud disorganized who are more volatile and destructive, always moving goal posts, etc. That’s also where I think a lot of us get lumped in with “avoidants” in general which makes it seem like we lack empathy when that couldn’t be further from the truth for a lot of us!

I also don’t really believe that spending a lot of time in talk therapy hashing out childhood trauma would be all that effective. I found the suggestions he made on his podcast around talking to other people in your life and asking questions to be great challenges that could help rewire the brain. For many of us getting out of our head and not trying to do all of the healing internally/alone is crucial. What hit me the hardest was the mention of how it could be affecting our relationship with our kids. I hope someone else finds this helpful too! I wish there was more of this targeted type of content but I think we’re a much smaller segment of the population. If anyone knows of anything similar, please let me know!