Venting (NSFW, I cuss a bit)

So today is my birthday, I had planned to visit family or go out to eat with my bf of almost 2 years. (2 years in February. Saying 1 year and __ months sucks to repeat lol)

Around 1 month ago, my bf decided to get a dog. It was a complicated situation, the dog was trying to eat his niece's chickens so they needed to get rid of it.

I knew nothing of this, I wasn't informed of "our" new dog until 9pm that night when he came in with 9 month old dog. I then awkwardly had to remind him I am allergic to dogs when he asked if I liked the suprise and he was put off by my lackluster response.

To the point of the birthday mentioned, around 2 weeks ago he informed me without asking that "we" were getting the dog a vasectomy on my birthday. I blatantly asked "Can you not reschedule? I do not want to do that on my birthday and we have to keep an eye on him after he gets home. We won't be able to hangout after, and we will be on call the whole time, so we cant go bet dinner or visit anyone" I have three days off I put in for a month ahead btw, he knew that.

I have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off. I, without any pretense, told him multiple times I didn't want to do this due to how he did it and when.

He then a week ago called me selfish over something petty. It has really sat in my gut like lead, and I have just started swallowing any of my complaints regarding it.

When he says stuff like that, I am selfish despite saying we can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, on any day that I am not actively at my job. I kind of just clam up and just listen to him. Those words stung a lot.

He will do other things like wiggle my stomach and make comments about eating too many snack cakes, or get angry and passive aggressive because I got of a 11pm-7am shift and don't want to do anything physically intimate at Noon.

I love him, but being called selfish for not wanting to take a dog I help take care of and never have mistreated, to a vet on my birthday for a long healing process after, that I have to wear pants and long sleeves and wash my hands thoroughly after just playing with the pup... well, I can't get over it. He called me selfish when I told him that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday after we dropped the dog off at the vet.

I got off work at 7am, I have to go home and shower, get dressed, etc afterwards. I knew I'd be tired, I knew we'd have to pickup the dog as soon as they finish the procedure. The drop off was scheduled for 8:30am. I got home at 8am after having to stayover to help a new girl. (30 minute commute to work btw).

We are using my car after his axle failed and he is waiting on the insurance to replace/ rework the vehicle. So I have to immediately take the dog there, get ready leave by about 10am, and the local area has nothing restaurant wise. My parents live an hour away, the town I work in is where we go on dates. So by the time we would be at my parents or get seated at a sit down restaurant, it would be 11am to 12pm depending. I would have 1 hour with family or 2 to eat and hangout before having to rush back to pickup the pup in case of traffic and to switch out of anything I don't want dog hair on.

I told him any of that I could when telling him why I didn't want to do anything. When he said it ( that I'm selfish and yada yada. He went on about it for 2-3 minutes) I just went quiet and was trying to not scream at him. I am so angry and frustrated. I drop everything for him often. I live in a place I hate with no job opportunities. I take care of an over excited bundle of pure crackhead energy and doggy love that I have to scrub my hands after playing with so I don't break out in hives or get a rash.

I get off work often to drive him around in my car for what he needs. I know there are times where I screw up, where I don't take him into consideration as I should. I know I am by no means perfect myself. But holy fuck. How am I selfish FOR NOT WANTING TO OVERPLAN TO THE LAST MINUTE ON MY BIRTHDAY FOR A DOG TO GET A VASECTOMY I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PART IN PLANNING.

He forgot I was allergic, he forgot it was my birthday or didn't care! You know what he did? He made a turkey for the dog. Said I could have some. Fucccvvkmmmbfhrhfjh.

I sometimes have to ask myself if I love this fucking idiot or hate him. (No shit. He made an actual, full size turkey because it is cheaper to buy a standard Christmas/ Thanksgiving butterball turkey occasionally and put the meat aside after deboning then getting the dog fancy dogfood. We mix up it's diet with chicken breast or ham etc. He just didn't season the turkey or put dressing in it and baked it.. )

So my birthday is eating bland turkey for the dog while I wait on picking him up from the vasectomy.

I... just don't know if I want to cry, to scream, to curl up in a ball. I don't know. I just know if he says anything about today to me. I'm going to tell him to shove a butterball turkey and all the dog toys right where the sun doesn't shine and slam the door as I go to stay with my mom.

I have only slept 4 hours since 7pm yesterday. Took a nap before driving for work yesterday (1 hour) and a 2-3 hour nap after getting home from the vet and cleaning up. I slept 5 hours yesterday from 8:30-9am to 2pm and had to get up to walk said dog and couldn't sleep after, until mentioned hour nap.

I am flagging. I am beyond done, and I dare him to say literally anything beyond hello or let's go get Blu (dog's name).

I don't expect any mystic advice or sage wisdom etc. I am just needing to vent before I stop at telling him to shove it and actively participate by adding butter to this bland ass turkey to slam it up there myself.

In case anyone asks, no, I am not upset he cooked a turkey for Blu. I am upset he forgot I hadn't eaten and mentioned it as an afterthought while he goes to the store to get milk or something in my car. He said this while walking out the door as I came out of the bedroom from my 3 ish hour nap and a pile of word vomit about if he should get Blu something to stress chew for after the procedure. I actually love the dog btw. Despite all the trouble he causes me. I love the little zooming ball of fur. I just hate I wasn't included in any way on any decision made that effects my life due to us living together.

I can't sit down without wearing long sleeves or pants when Blu is inside in case he jumps all over me. The only off limit rooms are the kitchen, our bed (not bedroom. Blu sleeps with bf in a reclining chair), the laundry area (attached to kitchen), and the bathroom.

I can't sit down in the living room without prethought. I can't hug the bf without asking if he played with Blu. I can't even lay down in the floor and cry without standing up covered in a layer of Blue heeler/ Beagle hair where Blu sheds constantly.

I didn't get asked. I was told. I then get called selfish for going ahead with it all, but not wanting to plan some huge day out down to the minute while on call in case they finish faster than anticipated.

I... just.. what the hell do you do here? I am no shit tempted to sign up for a couples therapist so I can learn how to vent this to him without incoherent screaming or breaking down and sobbing. Imagine not being able to freely walk in your own shared home due to an allergy. You don't own the house, but you help pay the bills. (Bf owns house from before I moved in).

The bf had a crackhead living on property for rent that causes consent issues, you can't talk without getting insults thrown at you for pointing out how stupid it was to plan this shit this way. He was in the hospital not even 2 months ago for not taking care of his health.

He was dehydrated from drinking more Mtn Dew than water, a conflicting medication plan, and this heat wave in the south eastern U.S. he almost died. 50 something over 30 something blood pressure at the hospital. It took 3 days to recover. He refused to tell me until after I was off a first shift shift before I switched my shift due to the stress of a bad manager on first (7am to 3pm) so I had either the option to switch shifts to the complete opposite end, or suck it up and have a middle manager who constantly assigned me extra tasks on top of being an (unpaid for the position mind you) shift leader. The new girl I helped earlier mentioned? She makes the same as me after a year and me doing 4 times the workload.

And apparently Blu is out early. I am going to choke down 1 more piece of turkey before I try to pretend I'm not about to lose my fucking mind and get on dog clothes and babysit a puppy who got snipped also against his desires.

Sorry for the novel on depression.