"I'm bad" shame

I've got this fundamental sense that I am always doing the wrong thing. I think it goes into the background sometimes but when it really activates, it bleeds into every part and the way they treat each other and I'm finding it really hard to define what it is exactly.

When I started shame work, I had this sense of myself as disgusting that would overwhelm me sometimes and not be there at all other times, so it was contained. "Disgusting shame" was easily mappable as an exile with a consistent manager (self loathing attack) and consistent firefighters.

The sense that I am bad or fundamentally wrong has been present in some of the most traumatic moments of my life, but has been far less chronic than the typical I'm disgusting shame (which is what I assume is the classic toxic shame of CPTSD). I can't remember experiencing it outside of crisis moments but it might've always been there as a subtle sense of incompetence. I've been experiencing it chronically and globally for months now.

This shame feels more top down than disgusting shame and like it isn't as toxic but maybe even a healthy sense one gets when they're doing the wrong thing. Only every aspect of me feels it about every other aspect of me when it is active.

It is really difficult to identify the "bad shame" exile. I was able to embody the feeling of being "bad" for the first time today. Prior to that, I was sure it was just a general millaise caused by a tendancy towards self criticism and trying to fix myself. Then, I see it as a general "no" to everything that happens when I am distressed, and here I am understanding it as a healthy response to doing the wrong thing. But I must always be doing the wrong thing. I often am. But I don't know what else to do.

When it goes into crisis, my protectors will activate violently to address the unnadressable sense of wrongness and then it will get all over them and they will think they are bad and attack each other for being bad until I'm pulled into a dissociative state. And then I am bad for being ill.

It is profoundly lonely. I don't feel known or knowable. I can never be truly honest with anyone because there is always some part of me in revolt against what I am saying.

When I explore it down to the bottom, the sense is that I need someone who isn't bad to fix it for me. But when bad is active, everyone is just as bad and defective and so there is no one in the world who can help me.

I'm just wondering if it's an exile or if there is a way to localize it. It just feels like the laws of the universe at the moment and I don't know how to unblend.