[UPDATE] My dom is married and I don't know how to safely approach this.

since my problem would probably help someone in the future, i am attaching my previous post. i'm struggling to process everything in a heavy period pain, so please be kind to me.

previous post

i've asked to him about how things would work for me being his sub if he has a wife, and he told me that his relationship with his wife is very important to him, that they've been looking for a third for a while now but he doesn't want to ruin my future plans so he's fine with our relationship being fully online and open until i meet someone new and we can stay friends even if i decide to be monogamous, and he will be my primary dom with a fully personal relationship between me and him until we decide otherwise.

this explanation is supposed to be enough for me, but i find myself struggling and crying the whole morning. i know you're probably already sick of me but i need to lay out what i have been thinking so i can process this better.

he does give his time and energy and effort a lot for me when he can (which is often only on weekends since his job occupies the whole summer), but the thought of having this dynamic with him gives me a heavy weight and i don't like it. i feel like being a sub is to depend more on him, to be vulnerable to him to a certain degree, and that i have a right to wanting a frequent and consistent communication despite my brain tells me that i shouldn't and i don't have a right to for obvious reasons. and it's tearing me apart because i don't know what i'm supposed to be and feel and think. everything is confusing.

because do i really not have a right? i am a sub in a D/s relationship which supposed to have her own rights and obligations, and he did say that he wants to know me more, and he likes it when i open up to him. but to what degree? i don't know where i should step or stop. and i sometimes feel like i'm being gaslighted, even though i think he always has good intentions so it's very wrong for me to think this way about him.

these days i feel like i'm the one leading him on and demanding more concrete foundations, but i remember that he was the one offering himself to be my dom, then introducing me to a primary position, then wanting me to call him something more intimate, then bringing up the idea about a certain kink we can try.

he said his wife also plays online and they've been looking for a third for their planned poly relationship, but i'm almost sure that he always had to sneak out whenever he wants to call me. i don't know how to corelate that or even why i include that fact in this post, but it's aldo been bugging me as well.

and he said he wants me to feel safe, but most of the time he'd just give "enough" responses to my insecure questions that make me feel like i need more than just that. the latest conversation is the first time where he's being fully open, and even that still made me feel wrong... and i still don't know what.

i've been clinging to him too much and his existence has been confusing and messing me up that i feel like i need to organize my own thoughts and heart first before deciding the next step. i honestly feel like i've been groomed even though i'm already 24 years old, probably because i'm a virgin and he's more than 10 years older than me. i really trust him even to this moment, but right now i don't know what to do. i know you all have been telling me to leave him, but, again, i need to make up my mind carefully and be sure of it because i don't want to get sick.

i know another good solution is to talk to a therapist, but we don't have proper access in this town and even the ones providing service are religiously conservative and judgemental that i think would give me more damage than good. so i'm at my last resort here after crying for hours on my day off... i hope someone could offer me a new perspective to help me think clearly because i need it so badly right now. i'm sorry for the inconvenience, i truly didn't want to burden anyone with my problems, but i don't know where else to go anymore. thank you so much for reading this.