A Joke About A Human

[Translated, to the best of my ability.]

Host: Alright, alright that’s enough about me. You guys know him, your wives love him, he’s funnier than he has any right to be, and we still don’t know his real name, so give it up for the coolest clown this side of the planet: Red!

(Audience cheers and hollers.)

(Red slowly walks up the stage and stands for a moment in silence. He looks to the audience about to both laugh and sigh. He rips the mic off the stand and places the stand next to him with a loud thump.) 

Red: What the Hell man?

(The audience all laughs.)

Look! You all know exactly what I’m talking about, what the Hell? 

(He pauses to let the audience still laugh.)

You know what happened the last time this planet was this united? 

(He pauses, the audience collectively leans in.)

It’s because it was under a dictatorship!

(The audience laughs even harder. [At this point, just assume every time he says something the audience is dying laughing, because they are.])

(Red paces around the stage death gripping the mic.)

I don’t get it man, well like I do get it, because Goddamn he can get it, but seriously this has to be a joke.

Right? 

Right? 

Right?

(He stares at the audience with a manic look.)

Theseus Cain, has to be a joke.

(He says almost out of breath.) 

I am a comedian, and I lie so much. Like so, so much. For jokes, for punchlines, for when my Mom asks me what I do for a living.

(He says the last part quietly.)

So often, I lie, and we can tell, we can all tell, us clowns know when it’s a lie. When that thing that happened to us actually was a dream or something that actually happened to a distant second cousin, twice removed, half impaled. 

Or we made it up, like big boys. 

(He drops to his knees, banging on his chest like a five year old.)

But, there are witnesses. 

There are pictures of a guy. 

Of a Human, in a ugly ass hat.

(He puts some extra stink at the word ugly.)

With two of the most beautiful women in the galaxy at his side like luggage. 

(He stares at a random person in the front.)

Like luggage. 

(The person in front of him nods, equally as disgusted.)

He’s out there right now. Having a sandwich, running from kidnappers. He could be here right now in the audience. Which also means I’m screwed.

(He glances at the audience.)

Like seriously, good Gods, a Human, on this planet. Like what is our military gonna do? They were the ones who overthrew the last dictatorship in the first place. Hell chances are his parents are veterans.

Like what happens if he sneezes too loud?

(He sits on the floor, dejected.)

What if he gets drunk?

(The audience ohhs, the implications flooding their minds.)

Yeah. 

(He springs up with a smile.)

That was a fun thing to write about. 

(He sighs.)

Like what are we gonna do, as like a people?

(He gestures to the crowd.)

The only idea I got is bribery, but he’s with those two, what the Hell can I give him? Other than like my… soul?

(He cringes and shrugs.)

Like what do you think goes on in his head? Like think about it, really think about it. He somehow meets Scout Scrarcan. Scout freaking Scrarcan, in the flesh, not at some event or award ceremony, or you know, a fashion show.

Just in town, somehow.

(The audience is still laughing, but it’s clear they are thinking about it more closely.)

 And he’s like “Wow this is great but…”  

(He pauses for a while, truly looking like he’s lost in thought.)

“But I have two arms, so...”

(He goes right back to chomping on the bit, chuckling despite himself. Miming having two people in his arms.)

“I mean it just makes sense to have another one, for the sake of evenness.”

(He finally breaks, nodding like a scientist discovering something.)
Like what!

(He jumps and yells.)

And then, and then. He- he saves Princess Ludus from Kidnappers. 

(He stands straight up, and salutes.) 

What the Hell was she doing there in the first place?

(He starts pacing around again.)

Was she waiting for him?

(He stops to turn to the audience before pacing again.)

Is this like a club? Where the richest, and most famous, respected people in the galaxy, just decided to pick some guy.

(He puts on his best approximation of the most stereotypical Human accent at the word ‘guy’.) 

With the ugliest hat known to all The Council. 

(He literally kicks at the stage.)

Like we have proof, and evidence and witnesses. That this is a real man. Victory Press made an article about him.

(He pauses.)

Before me!

(He yells.)

I mean granted at least he’s short. I mean from the back, you just have to assume it’s like a twelve year old child. Or like a two year old Grunta.

(He points to a Grunta in the front row, who promptly fist bumps him with a gigantic green hand.) 

Probably why he’s able to survive so many gunfights, everyone is so used to shooting at average heights the bullets go straight over his head.

(He whistles, making bullet sounds while flapping over his head.)

Or he starts to suck his thumb and everyone just assumes he’s a baby. I mean it’s the only logical explanation. 

(He starts sucking his thumb, while staring emotionless.) 

And you know what the worst part about this is by far? 

The worst part.

I’m still a man, my dumbass still thinks I could beat him in a fight with prep time.

(He finally laughs.)

Theseus: Really?

(Red stares at the audience wide-eyed. The audience holds their breaths. Everyone turns to look. Red looks equal parts terrified, and ecstatic for what is destined to be the greatest crowd working session of his life.)

---

Author’s Note: I’ve had this story half finished, abandoned and mostly forgotten for a while now. I’ve always liked playing with different formats in my writing, and a transcript of a comedian’s seemed like a fun idea. This is part of a writing challenge I am forcing myself to do, in which I write everyday until I finish a novella I am working on. This one shot is a bonus in between chapter, so though it is meant to be enjoyed on its own, it is vaguely part of a larger story. Thanks for reading. :}

Day 2

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