Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 1 (6) - Plant Mom of Doom
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A hungry Theseus
---
Sometimes I really wonder how many steps I must get in running for my life all the damn time. After the shootout at the theater there were of course more people outside waiting for us. It took all night, and Scout had to do most of the shooting, but eventually we made it out.
Of course none of us slept since Wednesday afternoon or so, and since then:
- Scout got kidnapped Thursday.
- Ludus has never done this much running in her life.
- I got shot with a taser round.
- We’ve all been up for at least forty hours or more.
- And I don’t remember the last time I’ve showered.
I’m saying all of this because what is about to happen next makes all of us look extremely stupid and naive (except for me of course). But it was Friday morning. It was a miracle we got this far. Now, on to us being extremely stupid and naive.
It was the smell that sucked us in first. It wasn’t even like it was a real smell, it was the idea of a spring morning you had as a child. Something warm, and comforting, something that has just been born.
I’m sure from the outside perspective it was like seeing three shambling zombies stumbling to a place as we followed our noses to some old house, in one of the quieter neighborhoods that were littered about the city’s seemingly endless downtown.
It was two stories, thin and tall. We could barely even see a house. It was a thick collection of vines and bushes that may as well have been trees, that in the briefest glimpses, you’d see a stained glass window, or a small section of brick. We didn’t even bother to speak, we just shuffled over in unison. Both Scout and Ludus had giant bags over their eyes that I’ve literally never seen on them before, Scout especially.
Our thighs screamed as we dared lift our legs to climb the stairs. The door opened before we even knocked. “Hello.” I heard the voice first, then she leaned on the door frame. She had golden eyes, hair that nearly touched her waist, and white wings.
Scout sighed in relief, as whoever this woman was didn’t immediately try and shoot us. A welcome surprise this past day and a half. Scout put on that sweet, and respectful voice she uses on everyone but me, “I’m sorry to bother you Ma’am, but-”
“You can come in Ms. Scrarcan.” She interrupted in a way that still felt comforting.
“You-” Ludus tried to question before also being interrupted just as swiftly.
“Even a hermit like me reads the newspapers once in a while. I am sure you are all in need of a tea break.” She smiled warmly, before freezing just slightly catching a glimpse of me behind the girls, first because I was Human, then because of my new eye.
“Especially you poor thing.” She finally let herself breathe again, before nodding. The three of us stupidly entered a home that somehow dwarfed the number of plants on the outside. It was floor to ceiling, everywhere I looked, splashes of green and occasional bouts of color filled every available space. My nose filled with a dozen contracting smells that somehow made a house smell more real than actually stepping outside. Not just plants but herbs and spices too.
Along with all the animals. Native birds flew around the room, while the descendants of cats brought during the war somehow lived in harmony. I mean, at least half a dozen cats, and dozens of small birds flew around, equally as free, and somehow totally docile. The mysterious plant mom closed the door without any fear of any of her pets escaping.
I kept looking around the space, seemingly the only man made thing apart from the few bits of leather furniture, was a small frame of what looked like a degree, her name covered by more plants. The only word I could make out was, ‘Botany’.
“Nice cats.” I stared at the basking creatures in the windows next to the plants. Some of which were even nibbling on different plants.
“Thank you.” She turned back to smile at me, we followed her deeper inside the house. Until we finally reached the kitchen, something was already boiling in the back. “How are you three? I mean really. I am sure the papers can only know so much.”
“Tired.” Our words like our limping were simultaneous.
“I can imagine. Sit.” She gestured at a circular table, that we just about fell onto, “Now, eat.” She laid down bowls in front of each of us, somehow having enough food for all of us, filled with just about the best smelling soup in the world. I could even smell hints of her plants and herbs in her living room.
Scout and Ludus didn’t even hesitate, in five seconds flat the soup was just about gone. “Slowly ladies, you don’t want to upset your stomachs.” She smiled warmly. I grabbed the bowl, not even bothering with the spoon and took a small sip, savoring my first meal in forty something hours or so.
In a moment or even less I noticed the girls sigh in relief. I could see Ludus finally stop shaking. While Scout let out a nervous laugh she must have held in all night. I watched the two suns peak behind trees outside and then through the window.
I heard the sounds of a kettle boiling water, and I looked to see if there was any other food around. Smelt more of the soup bubbling away. Looked at Ludus’ and Scout’s already empty bowls.
I heard the birds chirp in the living room.
I could feel one of the cats rub up against my leg.
Heard Ludus’ head falling face first on the table.
Scout jumped up in surprise, she was already dozing off. Scout looked at Ludus wide eyed, then jerked her head at the woman who just drugged us, she tried to pull her gun, but it was already too late, her eyes went heavy, and she went down before she even cleared her holster.
I turned to the woman, at my friends, and noted the rising and falling of their chests, then finally at my nearly full bowl.
“The doses are based on weight, my short friend.” She said with that same sickly sweet smile. I fumbled briefly for my own gun. Then fell head first into the bowl of soup. “Oh, they didn’t pay me to have you drown in soup, old boy.” She said before lifting my head out of the bowl.
I’m sure she left my head in the soup for slightly longer than she had to. We did try to shoot her after all. Left me long enough to spit out the soup unnoticed. I never bothered swallowing in the first place. Like I said, “I’m saying all of this because what is about to happen next makes all of us look extremely stupid and naive (except for me of course).”
What tipped me off wasn’t the fact she opened the door before we could even knock.
Not the fact she already knew it was us and called Scout: Ms. Scrarcan.
Not that she already had a meal fit for three, boiling away in the back.
Or even how willing she was to let three strangers, covered in bruises, stinking to high heavens, who’ve clearly just been in a fight or six.
It was all her animals.
She had cats.
Cats, an animal from Earth not native to this planet we brought during the war, and native birds from this one. Both completely at peace with each other. Surrounded by plants and herbs I’ve never seen before. Some even nibbled away at those same plants.
The degree in botany.
I was hungry, sleep deprived, and injured and even when in totally normal, and even favorable circumstances a total idiot. I’m stupid sure, stupid, sleep deprived, and damn hungry, sure. But, I ain’t that stupid.
Now, how the Hell are we gonna get out of this one?
---
Author's Note: It has been pointed out to me that though Theseus is a private detective I’ve actually never written him investigating something before. I have something like forty plus stories written about him. So, this is me trying to do that more. I am also, for the sake of the challenge, shortening episodes to the 1000 - 1500 word range, as I find shorter chapters more fun to both write and read.
Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show.
Thanks for reading. :}
Day 3
Posted Aug 3, 2026, 1:52 PM UTC