[2260] Our Ordinary World

Aloha everyone,

This is a short story I wrote for my college class's final. Would love an outside perspective before I submit it. Here is the story open for line edits on Google Docs if anyone wants to help a brother out.

What I'm looking for: General critique, with a strong focus on cohesiveness and roundedness. Anything you notice is help as I am still learning to write and short stories have been kicking my ass.

Specifically, I'd love feedback on:

• Whether the narrative flows logically from scene to scene.
• Whether the setting/details feel real and consistent.
• Any spots where you felt confused, disconnected, or pulled out of the story.

This is a somewhat true story inspired by me and my sister growing up and using imagination as an escape and I want to make sure that is landing rather than feeling ungrounded.

My critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vcnaew/comment/p1lhzms/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thanks in advance for reading and commenting!