[QCrit] TOKOYO: THE LAND BEYOND THE SEA, Young Adult Fantasy, 70k words (2nd Attempt)

(First attempt) Hi everyone, thanks for the great feedback from my first time posting this! I've since finished my first draft and I've been working on revisions to help incorporate some improvements to the story I've thought of since based on the feedback I received, mainly expanding in the way of internal conflict which is what I've tried to focus on in the query letter. Looking back, I think I may have tried to cram too much plot in on my first attempt, so here's hoping this one is a bit better! (Also, I've kept the same name for the moment, but I am seriously considering just dropping the Tokoyo and just changing it to The Land Beyond the Sea based on what people said on the first attempt so it doesn't have a colon and seems less MG)

 Dear [Agent],

TOKOYO: THE LAND BEYOND THE SEA, is a [70,000] word standalone Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential about a girl’s journey across Tokoyo, the crossroads of life and death inspired by the legend of Tokoyo no kami, where souls who harbor lingering regret come to rest. It contains a setting similar to Samantha Sotto Yambao’s Water Moon fit for a younger audience and a narrative voice reminiscent of The Otherwhere Post by Emily J. Taylor.

Fifteen year old Hanayoi is a bubbly, impulsive violinist, who, in the midst of preparing for a cross-country move, falls through the Earth and into Tokoyo —while still alive—due to damage sustained to the barrier between the realms, and must search for a way to return home, lest she be trapped betwixt life and death forever. With a magical violin that washed up alongside her, she accidentally unseals Star, an aloof deity and misanthrope who rejects gender. After learning that their power to manipulate space has vanished, they first reject Hanayoi’s suggestion to cooperate with her, but relent after she guilt trips them in order to strike a deal to help search for their missing power and the gods of Tokoyo—the goddess of dreams and the god of fortune, respectively—and for them to help Hanayoi find a way home.

As her story becomes intertwined with that of Tokoyo’s, she realizes that she’s fallen in love with the strange, beautiful crossroads of life and death. She begins to question her dream of becoming a professional violinist and what returning home truly means, or where or what home truly is. When Star and her then finally locate the god of fortune, he divulges a horrifying truth: that the goddess of dreams has long perished, and that what Hanayoi knows as the atomic bombings were ultimately responsible for her death, as they pierced the barrier between the realms, severely damaging it. Amidst learning the harrowing actions her kind has wrought, Hanayoi asks herself if this truly the home she wishes to return to.

I am a student majoring in public health at [college] in [state]. I experienced parental loss at a young age, and it inspired the novel’s exploration of human mortality, grief, and the regret we carry. This would be my debut novel.

Thank you for your consideration,

[Real name] (writing as [Pen name])