Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 8 (13) - I Broke Into A Government Building, Again
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - An impressed Theseus
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“Crap! Crap! Crap!”
It was clear from the sound alone that the small metal spiral staircase was not made for three idiots running up it at the same time. Nor, for the small army of mercenaries chasing us. Though, I have to compliment the engineers on who made it, the safety factor was absurd.
“Sorry, Ludus.” Scout said behind us, as I grabbed Ludus by her still unnervingly soft hand like an old handbag.
“It is fine, I just needed a small moment to rest.” Ludus said, back to not using contractions.
“Fantastic, now shut up and run faster.” I quipped and didn’t bother to turn around. Ludus followed my instructions perfectly and after a few more metal clanks we saw the door in question. It was decrepit looking, and much worse for wear, especially after I put my foot through it.
“Get in.” I shoved the two into whatever room this mystery door so happened to connect to. I craned my head down to see how far the kidnappers were before Scout grabbed me by the collar to drag me in. I looked around.
“File cabinets, barricade the door.” The three of us shoved a metal cabinet that must have weighed a ton, I mean seriously who needs that much paper work? Anyways, the overly heavy cabinet was at the door, then I knocked over several more in front of it, too lazy to do anymore pushing.
“Yeah that’s not going anywhere” Scout finished for me, and smacked the cabinets like a Dad who just attached a large thing to an even larger thing with straps. I looked around more, it was a small room, filled with formally upright metal cabinets and other office supplies, and so much, and I do mean, so much paperwork.
“Okay, we’re just in an office, it’s night, so it’s closed, at worst we’ll set off the alarm system but we’ll be out before the cops come.” I said confidently incorrect. I opened the door, I was right about it being night, and an office. So, at least I have that going for me.
My right eye was blinded by the bright, insanity inducing lights of corporate offices. The room was filled with people, like literally filled with them. Working away on computers as happily as one could working on a computer late at night on a Saturday, at some office, instead of being at home.
Slowly the typing stopped, and people in clumps that numbered about a dozen turned to us. It was clear from the color of the walls, the lights, the complete lack of any smell, and the depression we just broke into some government building. That and the armed guards.
I locked eyes with one of the guards.
Scout, Ludus and I were covered in sweat, but I don’t think there was any blood. But still lots of dirt and grime from the tunnels. Scout was still holding the SMG I stole earlier in low ready. My own gun in my hand, and Ludus was just there, the missing famous Princess and all that.
“!” The guards screamed.
Scout let out a full auto burst from her hip, that hit nobody, but caused everyone to dive for cover anyways. The taser rounds embedding themselves into random surfaces and sparking away. A barrage of yells, then return fire filled the room, that also all missed.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed Ludus’ hand once again as we started to run out of the terrible open concept office before I looked out the window. More kidnappers, because of course there were, I even saw some hiding behind ballistic shields. They are literally going medieval on us.
“Nevermind.” I let go of Ludus, we all ducked behind a desk. I turned to my left and saw a guard rush us. I quickly fired, he fell face first and broke dance away.
“18.” I made sure to say in English.
More shots forced us down, but were quickly overshadowed by the sounds of several windows exploding, and the rush of mercenaries gallivanting in, along with their own fire.
“What do we do?” Ludus asked as I heard the sound of taser rounds going not towards us, but to the now newly ventilated windows.
I peeked my head out just slightly and let me tell you, it was a beautiful sight. Scout continued to fire at more guards and kidnappers around us, as absolute pandemonium finally took hold. Underpaid government workers dived and ran for cover, as security guards, who I can guarantee never been in a proper gunfight in their lives, finally realized how different a ‘two way line firing range’ actually is.
The guards, who also had taser rounds, along with the kidnappers meant there was the other added benefit of me not feeling so bad for how much I was enjoying watching it. Boring government paperwork exploded off desks from missed shots and fluttered through air like leaves. Screams, swears, and some maniacal laughter that surprisingly wasn’t my own filled the space between full magazines worth of full auto dumps, at whatever made the mistake of moving. I mean it was truly wonderful-
“Theseus!” Scout smacked my arm as she ducked for cover.
“Sorry, just enjoying the moment. I’m not really-” I looked over. “Where’s Ludus?”
“What? Oh c’mon.” Scout looked beside me before she groaned.
“They must have got her when we weren’t looking.” I said surprised at the stealth of these new kidnappers.
“Let’s go.” Scout stood up first, and offered a hand up.
I grabbed it, and we both jumped from the cover of the desk, we dashed through the chaos, slid between different points of cover, whether it was another desk, walls, or sometimes even thrashing kidnappers or guards on the floor.
“You know, I bet we could get divorce papers here.” I vaulted over another desk, and shot a kidnapper in the leg and grabbed a magazine off his chest, “17.” I said to myself.
“Oh, yeah, I wonder if they have any lying around.” Scout sprayed the rest of her magazine at a few more guards, I handed the extra to her, and then reloaded my own gun. We both looked around at the airborne papers, but didn’t see anything.
“That would be nice.” We both stopped running, the chaos of all the guards and kidnappers fighting, along with our positions at the back of the office made it quite easy not to get shot, and also I’m old, and tired.
“I forget how much easier this is without Ludus.” I glanced over my shoulder and saw three more kidnappers come after me, I raised my gun. “16.” Bang. “15.” Bang.” “14.” Bang.
“Theseus, don’t be a dick.” Scout’s tail, somehow rolled its nonexistent eyes at me, as the three distinct person sized thumps hit the ground amidst the chaos, before wiggling tased.
“I’m just saying, if anything it makes me grateful for you, that counts for something.”
“If you have to insult another person to ‘compliment’ me it’s not much of a compliment- duck.” Scout interrupted herself, I ducked, she fired a hail of rounds over my head, and I looked over to see more kidnappers fell tased.
I paused, “I mean… yeah.”
Scout smiled at me like I was an idiot, so more of the same. We both readied another insult before we heard it. We ducked behind more desks, and picked our heads just slightly to see one of the most epic scenes of my life.
“Well I found her.” Scout looked wide eyed.
“I guess that doesn’t technically violate any pacifistic rules I can think of.” I laughed, as I picked up Scout’s jaw from the floor.
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Author’s Note: If I had a nickel for every time Theseus has broken into a government building, I would have a good amount of nickels. Also, I stole the exclamation mark joke from Terry Pratchett, at least, I think I did.
Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show.
Thanks for reading. :}
Day 12/ ?
Posted Aug 13, 2026, 3:10 AM UTC