How Do You Handle Abandonment?

This is something I talked about with my therapist today about how I deal with abandonment.

My initial reaction towards it is indifference, the avoidant side of me gets triggered and I completely lack the care to maintain the connection, whether they’re there or not there doesn’t bother me. Be friends, not be friends, it’s whatever to me.

Then my anxious side bursts through that emotional wall of mine with gasoline and a lighter ready to burn shit down like no tomorrow. An intense strong feeling to completely cut the person off from every access point. By the time I am done, what once looked like a mess that could possibly be resolved now looks like a nuclear bomb went off and nothing will ever be fixable. I burn it all down, remove them, block them, never want to speak to them again. Internally I am just thinking to myself (Why the hell should I keep any connection with you, look at how you treated me, look at your inability to take accountability, why would I ever want you in my life? You’re not good for me, in fact, I am better off without you).

It feels good too. In those moments where you have control, and the self-regulating that your behavior does to sooth those intense feelings feels great. However, then maybe a few months pass, and you look back on the destruction you caused. Perhaps you regret it and you wish you had better self-control. But it’s too late and all you can do is carry that regret, grow from it and try to be better in the future.

What about y’all? Are y’all bridge burners or do you try to pull the person back in, or just go straight to indifference, stay in it for a while and then reach out with a lot of affection, promises of change, and missing the person?