Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 9 (14) - Annie’s Got A Shield
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A weak Theseus
---
Half of the references I make don’t make much sense to the Humans I know either, so don’t worry my 99.9% non Human audience. I’m a nutter to everybody, equally. Anyways, back to Ludus being awesome.
For reasons that I do now know in hindsight, but don’t want to spoil, during the whole government building shootout Ludus ran off, for some reason or another. After shooting a few more people Scout and I found her, and by God, was it a sight.
“That’s awesome.” I pumped a fist to my side.
“Yeah, you’re never that cool.” Scout said lovingly.
It was like a scene from an oil painting, paper flew in the air every which way, sparks from taser rounds embedded nearby walls and floors. The composition was perfect. Ludus was knelt down but instead of death gripping a ring about to propose, she held onto with dear life a ballistic shield.
Her whole body was covered by it, though she did have to wrap her tail around herself, lest it peek out the sides. Taser rounds by the dozen were fired, then attached to the shield, crackling and popping in now useless menace.
A few men stood a room apart from her, still firing at her, screaming. Whether it was the adrenaline, fog of war, or just plain stupidity. Though my guess is a combination of the three, they kept their fire at the shield, instead of moving to flank her.
“Scout.”
“Yeah.” She rolled her eyes, and fired a quick burst at the men accosting Ludus with poorly aimed taser rounds. They fell down, and got their own electric taste of medicine. Ludus looked even more scared that the firing finally stopped and turned to Scout and I.
“Theseus!”
“And Scout.” Scout whispered sarcastically to herself.
Ludus turned to Scout, “Sorry, I just got-”
“You have nothing to apologize for. That thing is awesome.” I gestured at the shield.
“Watch out.” Scout pointed ahead of us. Ludus dove in front of us with the shield, and blocked the shoots before Scout and I even considered ducking. “Thanks, you’re forgiven.” Scout said sweetly before she returned fire behind the safety of Ludus’ shield.
“You’re keeping that for the rest of the trip.” I piled up behind them. First Ludus with the shield, then Scout just behind her using Ludus as moving cover, and me behind Scout, back to back, as I made sure there was no one behind us.
“Oh most definitely.” Ludus peered through the narrow rectangle of bulletproof glass near the top of the shield, before she yelped and ducked without warning to cover her legs. I turned around and noticed more gun barrels pointed at us.
“Crap.” I started to duck, but noticed Scout was aimed to the side of us, too focused on shooting guys over there, she didn’t see the guys not over there ready to shoot her. I grabbed her by the horn and pulled her down with us, just as more rounds flew over our heads.
“Himbo!” Scout said annoyed before she returned fire over the shield. “Also, Ludus.” She said more like a disappointed teacher.
“Sorry, next time I will say when I have to duck.” She flinched and closed her eyes behind the shield as more rounds peppered us.
“When we have to duck.” Scout finished off the rest of the people in front of us.
“Right, we.” Ludus stood up, we followed suit. Like a tank we moved, as I returned to go back to back with Scout, just in the nick of time. I heard the sounds of heavy boots first, before through the chaos I saw four mercenaries run up. I raised Trouble in Paradise.
“13.”
Bang.
“12.”
Bang.
“11.”
Bang.
“10.”
Click.
“Damn it, Scout behind us.” Scout started to turn, but caught up behind Ludus, and back to back with me, well she did turn, just tail first. Like a whip it curved around and got me right in the back of the knee. I nearly landed face first, Scout fired over my body. Though I was grateful that our height difference was large enough that I was not impaled by her horns as she turned.
“Sorry.” Scout offered a hand and I grabbed it.
“It’s fine, but maybe the people with dragon tails need to be careful of their third legs please.” I reloaded, then giggled to myself.
“Right.” I literally heard Scout swallow her pride.
I looked around, “There’s not a lot of them left.”
Scout nodded and we started to run.
“What? Oh, we are running now?” Ludus looked around and started to trail behind us.
“Sorry, sorry.” Scout slowed down. “When I, but especially when he says there aren’t a lot of them left, just start sprinting, he won’t wait for you, trust me.”
As I ran forward, not waiting for them I noticed an abandoned ballistic shield, the exact same type as her, (they must have gotten a two for one deal) and grabbed it off the ground. Clutching onto one of the ambidextrous handles.
“Holy crap.” I looked at Ludus, who was running with us, but not at all impeded more by the shield. Still slower, sure, but the same amount as she was without it. The shield was forty by twenty inches, (1016 mm by 508 mm) and weighed at what I thought at the time was twenty pounds (9 kg) but as I later learned was actually twenty five pounds (11 kg).
Now listen, I know that you, yes you gentle reader, are actually like totally jacked, and can curl fifties, no warm up, while listening to classical music, reading a book with the other hand. But I am weak, I am little, and of low constitution. That’s why I carry a gun that shoots taser rounds, instead of a large bag of stones that I throw at my adversaries at Mach five.
So, while yes, you can totally run around, one handed with a twenty five pound (11 kg) ballistic shield, all day long. I can’t, at least not all day, a sword fight length at most. Ludus, who you know, is a Princess, and who I have also never once heard talk about her protein goals, or randomly flex in mirrors unprompted. So I hope you can see why I would be quite surprised at the way she was manhandling this shield.
“Watch out!” Ludus dashed over to Scout, and whipped the shield to cover her effortlessly. I raised my gun, uselessly putting the shield I grabbed to my side, before dropping it entirely.
“10.”
Bang.
I hit the straggler, while I made sure to start the count back at ten.
“Why the Hell are you so jacked for? I thought you were a pacifist.” I looked at Ludus, and did finally notice she was lean, but not thin.
“I still am!” She looked behind at her kidnappers still in pursuit but was more worried about my mischaracterization.
“Then what the Hell do you need all that muscle for?” I looked at her again, specifically at the gorilla grip she had on the handles.
“She was a dancer, you Himbo!” Scout said annoyed, somewhere behind me, but I was far too athletic and good looking to ever be that far behind, and also Scout stinks.
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.
“Brother, have you not seen her butt or her back?” Scout waved her arms.
“Why would I be looking at her butt, I can barely look her in the eyes. And why the Hell are you looking at her butt?” I said annoyed, “Wait, is that fan fiction right, are you gay?” I asked no longer annoyed, and hoped to God the answer was yes. That way everyone who shipped us could be homophobic along with stupid.
“What? No, wrong sibling, I’m not a lesbian, my little sister is. I’m just a connoisseur.” Scout mimed grabbing a butt in the air, gun still in hand.
“Dang it.” I sunk my head down, hopes destroyed. “I still don’t understand how her being a dancer has anything to do with strength.” I turned back.
“Oh my God, you Himbo. She was a famous dancer growing up, every Link has heard of her, both for that and being part of the Royal Family. She did,” Scout then said a Link word I still have no idea how to pronounce, and looked at my horrified expression even more annoyed, “It’s like ballet to us. The point is, it made her very strong, and gave her good cardio.”
I looked at Ludus, who was back to huffing and puffing like she had a few pigs days to ruin. So focused on her own breathing she wasn’t saying anything about my unfortunately straight wife objectifying her.
“That’s because you’re an insane person. No normal person can run as far and as fast as you. I had to get a gym membership to be able to keep up with you during the beginning. She’s doing fine, way better than a normal person.” She pointed at Ludus.
Ludus gave her a limp thumbs up in response. “I also do weight training, I started after I stopped dancing.” She lifted the shield over her head one handed as an example, and was clearly worn out from the running, not the shield.
“Told you, Himbo!” Scout gestured for Ludus to give her a high five. Ludus looked at Scout’s hand confused. “Right, Theseus showed me that.” Scout put her hand down depressed.
I looked behind us, kidnappers still following.
“Okay, let’s just have this argument sometime in the future, so I can win it later. We still have some on our tail, Ludus is gonna die of an asthma attack at this rate. We need to regroup, get rid of the last few guys, and I need more bullets.”
I looked dead ahead of us, and smiled, I knew I was on the right street.
“We need to go over there.” I pointed.
“What in the world is that?” Scout tilted her head and tail.
“A graveyard.”
---
Author’s Note: I wanted to give Ludus something to do in fights, other than the hide, and call out enemies. And also, making the Princess pacifist the tank of the group amuses me greatly.
Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show.
Thanks for reading. :}
Day 14 / ?
Posted Aug 15, 2026, 1:30 AM UTC