Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 13 (18) - I Hate Shopping, I’m Broke
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A bored Theseus
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“You know sometimes I forget you're rich, like: ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God’, type rich.” I looked at the massive hotel room, with more than enough surfaces to sleep, thank you very much.
“What?” Scout yawned and slowly shook her head at me.
“That reference was to make myself feel smart, it’s not for you.” I respond with a yawn because they’re contagious.
“Whatever dude, you luxuriate in your tomfoolery too much.” Scout stumbled towards her room.
“Yes, because your horse is in such a high position after you paid for a hotel this size. Please, tell me more about how I am the one spending too much time in luxury.” I tripped over to mine.
“Okay, you got me there, that’s what I get for using funny words. I’m sleepy, I’ll have a comeback in the morning.” She didn’t bother to turn.
“Fine.” I closed my door.
“Fine.” Scout slammed hers.
We knocked ourselves out, opposed to each other. Ludus was already asleep in her room, too mature to stoop to either of our levels. So we all slept, with again, more than enough beds for the three of us, close that fan fiction tab right now. In fact there were too many beds, how about that?
Anyways, I woke up and cooked bacon and eggs, all platonic parties involved found it pleasant. Also, the room was so fancy, it had food in the fridge as a complementary thingamabob.
“You have a comeback yet?” I shoveled down more eggs.
“Kill yourself.” Scout yawned.
“You had nothing, uh?” I stopped mid bite.
“Nope.” She shook her head.
“Are you sure that they will not find us here Scout?” Ludus ignored the both of us, already on her second plate.
“I’m sure. I know the owner. Not the first time I’ve used this as a hide away.” Scout had a sleepy but still sly smile as she pointed at Ludus with her fork.
“That reminds me, how soundproof is this room?” I looked around the massive ceilings.
“Oh?” Ludus said, a bit too excited for my taste.
“Not like that.” I choked on my food, “You’re gonna be like this for the rest of the trip, aren’t you.” I looked at the smiley face I made with bacon and frowned.
“Oh, yes.” Ludus moved to her third plate.
“Great.” I turned the bacon to a frown. “As in, how sound proof is it because I want to test something…” I paused, “Firearm related.” I mumbled.
Ludus put her fork down while her eyebrows went up.
“I mean, I picked up a silencer last night.” Scout didn’t miss a beat.
“And this hotel is known in our circles as a place the wealthy can go for privacy.” Ludus picked up her fork again, with again, the most terrifying kind of smile.
“That’s gross man.” I stopped eating.
“I am inclined to agree.” Ludus nodded solemnly.
“Anyways, first we should take a look into the bag, and see what Scout got. Then, well one of us has to get shot. Not it!” I shoved my hand to the tip of my nose.
“Damn it.” Scout said halfway up hers. “Fine.”
“What?” Ludus looked wide eyed, as though we were kindergarteners, and the class hamster suddenly disappeared.
“The ballistic vests. I’m sure after a certain point if you hit someone with enough taser rounds, ballistic vests or not, they’re going to get to know the ground well soon.” I slammed my hand on the table like a limp body.
“Ah, and the only way you can test that is by being shot?” Ludus clasped her hands, and pressed her lips together.
“I’m sure if I hadn't been hit in the head so often I could’ve come up with a smarter idea. But, I have been hit in the head a lot, and given the circumstances, I would rather find out sooner rather than being chased down later.” I sauntered over to Scout’s bag.
“Alright then.” Ludus gave up and shrugged.
“And Scout, lost the ‘not it’ so not like I’m getting shot.” I giggled.
“Did I mention you should kill yourself today yet?” Scout's mouth was full, but I think that’s what she said.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Cool, just checking.” Scout rose from her chair. “Let’s get this over with.” She stomped to her room and started to put on the vest.
“What? No, take your shirt off.” I fiddled with the gun.
Ludus flinched like she just got hit by a small bird, and turned to me. “Oh, so you two are one of those types of couples.” She didn’t bother averting her eyes.
“What? Ew, no.” I was actually offended at this point. “I mean, we’re wearing the vest underneath our clothes. Not an accurate test if she wears it over top.” I gestured to my shirt.
Ludus glanced at Scout, who just finished putting her shirt back on. “Whatever you say.”
I tried to think of a reply, but coming up with nothing decided to get it over with, and to just shoot my wife already. “How much are you gonna bet?”
“At least two.” Scout shrugged.
“I mean, I did shoot a guy twice, and he was still standing. You, Ludus?” I asked.
“Oh, I would rather not thank you.” Ludus sat back in her chair and took a sip of her drink.
“Anyways, three-two-one-go.” I said as fast as Humanly possible and fired a single shot at Scout’s chest. The silenced gun sounded more like a toy than an actual weapon. It still had a distinct low bass, but it sounded more like it came from your annoying neighbor than in your own hands.
It stuck onto her shirt, and sparked while Scout looked unamused.
“Well that’s one.” I fired again.
Scout looked equally disinterested. The taser round sparked pathetically.
“And three.” I fired, the reaction was immediate. She swore, exclusively at me, the line of my people, and my dog. I don’t have a dog. She dove to the ground, though not voluntarily, and thrashed for thirty seconds or so.
“Cool, we get two shots before we go down. Was hoping for more but alright.” I put the gun down.
“Screw you.” She pointed with a still shaking finger.
“You two are the strangest people I have ever met.” Ludus took a final sip.
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I smiled.
“I don’t.” Scout snapped back, though still face down, spread eagle on the ground.
So after that thoroughly satisfying moment we did a check of Scout’s sling bag. For something a gun for hire was carrying, it was surprisingly normal. Made out of a sturdy, dark green canvas, and not a single piece of tactical nonsense in sight. It had room for the following:
- Scout’s submachine gun, after the stock collapsed.
- Extra magazines for said gun.
- Extra rounds for my gun.
- Snacks.
- My gold and silver.
“Bullets, snacks and gold.” Scout shook her head.
“My kind of backpack.” I grinned.
“Great, now what?” Scout rolled her eyes.
“Um.” Ludus grabbed her shield off the coffee table.
“Oh I forgot about that.” I yawned for the final time.
“There’s actually a few things I want to get too, like something to hold extra magazines on me, like your pouch.” Scout pointed.
“Yes, and I have come up with a way to carry around my shield when not in use.” Ludus leaned on the shield.
“Shopping trip?” Scout smirked.
“Shopping trip.” Ludus beamed.
Listen, it’s not like I have anything against shopping in general. I mean, I do, but that’s not what I’m complaining about specifically. My hobbies are mostly crimes, but the thing I am currently, irrationally angry about is being dragged along while other people are shopping for things I do not need or want. I would like to point out too, we are still being hunted by kidnappers.
We’re just in a mall now. There weren’t even any toy stores. People are looking at me funny. Small children are fleeing because of my eye. We are all in the news. You are two of the most famous people in the known galaxy. Some woman and I sat depressed outside a store, for like an hour together. Her husband was also shopping for something. We both fell asleep for a little bit, the chairs were soft.
Anyways, my prayers were eventually answered and we left. After the fellas were done bonding. Scout got a leather hip bag thing, that strapped to her left thigh. As a discreet way to carry extra magazines. Ludus, still carrying the shield around the mall, got a belt. No one batted an eye about the shield. In fact dozens of people complimented it, for some reason.
Ludus attached the belt to her shield, and next thing you know, she’s walking around the mall with a ballistic shield on her back, like a knight who's really bad at time traveling. Yes, I’m extremely jealous. I already have a leather pouch, Scout stole that idea from me. But it really is a cool accessory.
“Okay, you guys done bonding?” I looked around the mall more, like a paranoid crazy person.
“Yep.” Scout smiled, Ludus nodded.
“Fantastic, because those guys are following us.”
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Author’s Note: I figured it was only fair having Scout get shot too.
Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show.
Thanks for reading. :}
Day 18/ ?
Posted Aug 18, 2026, 2:56 PM UTC