I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it. Am I wrong to feel betrayed?
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/Daretodrarren
Published on: r/relationships
Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATE
Story timeline
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Main Post: November 27, 2013 at 06:17 UTC
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Final Update: November 27, 2013 at 17:36 UTC
Main Post
^(November 27, 2013 at 06:17 UTC)
Ok, short summary. My girlfriend Davony and I have been dating seven months. She's great, super sweet and smart. So great I was thinking of asking her to move in with me when my roommate moves out in February. This is my first "real" relationship and I'm at me knees in love with this girl.
Her only downside is Chris, her best friend. He is 6' tall, part hispanic with blue eyes that every stranger who meets him comments on and once modeled underwear for a local store.He is also good at every damned game or athletic feat in the world. Fuckin' Chris right? Chris and her spent a few years in the same foster home and are very close. Sometimes I think he crosses boundaries but she usually takes my concerns very seriously and talks to him and he listens. So, I haven't had too much concerns there. My one assurance has always been her telling me that they "never dated".
But tonight we were drinking and started playing I've never. We get to the end and I'm down to a finger. My friend smirks and says "I've never had sex with Davony" to knock me out. Low and behold, Chris-of-the- "he's like a brother"-to-me puts a finger down.
My friend calls him out. "Woah, I thought you guys grew up together."
Chris just laughs "I had a fucked up childhood, it was some real flowers in the attic shit, huh, Davey(his nickname for her)" and tosses an arm over her. She excuses herself to get a drink and avoids eye contact.
The night goes downhill from there. The air is cold and everyone finds a way out, except fuckin' Chris and my roommate. I confront Davony about it in the kitchen and she says that it was a long time ago and she couldn't explain it so she didn't try and that she was only fourteen and her best friends don't even know- that she keeps the past in the past and they had a horrible foster home and it wasn't romantic (they didn't date...so it didn't count? Shake my head.) but for comfort.
I assert that as her boyfriend I expect honesty, especially when it comes to sex and past encounters because sex makes me feel vulnerable (stds, fidelity, etc). And she kind of shuts off, like she does in any fight. So I try and keep talking. Chris bustles in and gets in my face and we end up fighting, somewhat. My roommate breaks it up and Davony says that she will ride home with Chris.
I don't know if I overreacted. Probably. But I still think this is a huge issue? Especially because she left with him? Advice?
tl;dr I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it.I found out during a drinking game. I confronted her and she made up some circular excuses and shutdown. Said dude intervened. We fought and she left with him. Am I wrong to feel betrayed?
COMMENTS
formeraide
I can totally understand that she would be too embarrassed to tell about "flowers in the attic" to somebody she's been dating for seven months, especially with the other guy still around. I know you're disappointed, but I don't think that lack of confession was really about you.
First, stop asserting things, if you're really in an even-keel relationship.
Second, Chris is obviously an unbelievable jerk -he revealed one of her big life secrets, and he did it in front of her boyfriend. Nice guy.
Third, given that he's such a jerk, she really has to choose between the two of you. If she prefers that kind of "friend" to you, you've learned a valuable lesson and should move on.
DerrickD26 (downvoted)
Her past is none of your business, if you are worried about stds you can ask about stds, not past partners.
She most likely fucked him that night because of how you acted, break up grow up a little learn and start something new with someone else.
[deleted]
Chris bustles in and gets in my face and we end up fighting, somewhat. My roommate breaks it up and Davony says that she will ride home with Chris.
The fact that she went home with him right after this bombshell got dropped and after he got in your face for not taking it well says a lot. In my opinion, the way she handled it is worse than the fact that she hid her past from you.
elementality22
Most times I would side with the boyfriend(you) in cases like this but this one sounds a little more complicated than that. 1. because they were teenagers, 2. because it was in a probably not great environment, not saying that all foster homes are bad but some are and it's easy to seek refuge in those closest to you.
So yeah, it probably is more complicated than if this had happened a year ago. I looked up his reference to flowers in the attic, which is a book about kids who are kept locked away in an attic by their mother and grandmother and the two of the four (brother and sister) develop a sexual relationship, so maybe their home life was not very good and it was regarded as a mistake in their history brought on by harsh conditions and not out of any real sexual desires that remain.
Well maybe they do remain, but it doesn't sound like it on your girlfriends part. I think you should probably apologize to her, and see if you want get the full story so you can understand what happened.
brndnewsn
I may be in the minority here, but I think you overreacted. They did not date, and by your post I think it is obvious that she doesn't see him like that. It seems like an awkward part of her past that she doesn't like to dwell on and I could totally understand why she would be uncomfortable divulging early on in a relationship. If you were married and it still had never come up I might be a little wary, but at seven months you really are still getting to know each other on a deeper level.
I would just give her the benefit of the doubt here. It was a long time ago, and teenagers can experiment in the most questionable ways, especially when faced with a rough childhood. It doesn't necessarily represent the person she is now, or what their friendship has matured into.
Final Update - after 11 hours
^(November 27, 2013 at 17:36 UTC)
After reading all of these replies, I felt more conflicted than ever. Especially over everyone saying she probably went to her house. I sort of assumed he dropped her off at her place... but then I wasn't so sure.
So I drove by her place with doughnuts this morning. Figure, fuck it, either she screwed him and I can use them as consolation or they are a peace offering to our fucked up relationship.
I get there and I see Chris' car. Leave doughnuts in the car, ring doorbell a million fucking times. She answers and looks unhappy to see me. "Darren, I need some space to think".
"I know Chris is here. I saw his car." Fuck thinking over that. She tells me she drove Chris home because he was too drunk to drive and was going to bring him his car today- he's not here. She expands her arms around her efficiency apartment and looks at me mockingly.
Well...okay. Let's just talk this through then. I have doughnuts in the car. I explain why I reacted the way I did...she says she was embarrassed and I made her more so. I point out that Chris is the one who brought it up, the one who got in the middle of our discussion and tried to fight me.
She says Chris has no shame and sometimes forget anyone else does. That it never occurred to him it might be a secret. Then she claims that Chris heard me screaming and saw me getting in her face and reacted instinctively to protect her "that's what he does". She claims I took the first swing, which is not true.
I point that out. Remind her I'm not an alcoholic foster dad but a good boyfriend who treats her well.
Reasserts that she just wants to be alone to think. "I don't know if I can handle being with someone with your temper..the way you screamed at me and grabbed my arm. It wasn't abusive, but I can't be around that kind of thing. It isn't what I need in a relationship."
So I leave and now I'm home trying to figure out what the fuck is up with my life and my girlfriend. I feel like she turned this all around on me and is never going to own the omission or treat Chris as less than a saint.
tl;dr (update)I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it.I went over to her place this morning to talk..she claims that I was being aggressive with her and Chris was "protecting her". She doesn't know if she can be in a relationship with someone who yells when they get mad at her... where am I with all this now?
COMMENTS
armchair_anger
She says Chris has no shame and sometimes forget anyone else does. That it never occurred to him it might be a secret.
Uh, yeah, but he probably realizes what putting his arm around her right after talking about sleeping with her implies.
"I don't know if I can handle being with someone with your temper..the way you screamed at me and grabbed my arm. It wasn't abusive, but I can't be around that kind of thing. It isn't what I need in a relationship."
And, unfortunately for you, she's completely justified to feel this way.
Like I said in the last thread, Chris is the guy who's at fault for this situation, but you also reacted really poorly to it.
It seems like when she's faced with two guys who have been shitty to her in a night, it's pretty obvious which one she's going to side with - not you.
If I were you, I'd gear up for the end of this relationship. It's pretty clear that you aren't okay with Chris being a part of her life, and equally clear that he's always going to be.
[deleted]
[deleted]
OOP
I will give her this- only me, her, Chris, and my roommate were here at this point and she was the only one sober.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
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Posted Sep 14, 2026, 8:01 PM UTC