We ended things because I asked for more structure.

This is not his fault. For context, we (24F, 35M) are friends and had been vetting each other for a relationship for a month.

I'm always the eager one. I'm the one asking to develop our relationship and he's always so gentle and accommodating to me and i know he wants this too. We then became more intimate and we confessed our crush on each other that i thought we were getting closer, so i (kind of) demanded more time from him when i was vulnerable last week.

He's always very busy and tend to ditch the conversations when he has things to do and it often messed up my mind as i missed him a lot especially since his account got locked three weeks ago, so i asked him (in the height of me being emotional because of a sexual harassment from a friend and him being in the middle of a work event) to let me know in advance whenever he had to leave in the middle of a conversation so i don't have to worry or question things anymore.

And, probably for how intense i was when i told him that, he sent me a 5 minutes long voice note reminding me that his family and friends and his job comes first since i'm still just a friend to him. He was gentle and respectful with me, but i was confused.

I spent the entire week quiet and tried to make him understand because i just didn't think that i asked for too much, just more clarity. He apologized for the harsh reminder but doubled down on it, and he still tried to salvage this multiple times and still be the caring one he always is even though i pulled back a lot.

When he told me to open up yesterday, i told him that my brain can't let me rest when i'm worried so when i said i need clarity i really mean it and i'm struggling to comprehend where i stand now. This is where he finally decided to end the vetting process and offered me to go back to be friends if i want to, and after all this chaos, i agreed to it.

I feel relieved that we're finally in the clear of what i am to him. I mean, friends before vetting was so much safer to me and i didn't have to be so devoted to him like i was before. But on the other hand, i feel like i'm ruining something good, a potential, and i regret pushing him to give me something he can't right now.

Before all this he said he'll try to give me more time, so if only i was more patient, there might be no problem between us and we could be something more in the future. Yet i was too aggressive and excited that i cried to him asking why am i not worth his time when he was on a work event, i really ruined this and i can't stop grieving.

This might be cultural thing because i live in the opposite side of the world from him, and it becomes worse since i am an autistic woman while he's probably neurotypical, but i feel hurt that he still just considered me as a friend even after we spent so much time being sexually intimate with each other. I'm just sad for losing someone i have feelings for and i also feel like an inexperienced child who struggles to take a hint.