Urgh idk how to title this but basically something is wrong with me and idk what and idk how to make it better

I don't say this to be negative but, sometimes I just feel numb, sometimes I spend the whole day crying over something small and I feel the need to die over it, and sometimes I just stop caring about my friends but then when something happens because of that, suddenly I love them again. And this isn't really everything either. I don't know what's wrong with me but something is.

Oh yeah and my parents think people who want to die just aren't faithful enough so I don't exactly want them to know. So idk if I'll ever get any kind of therapy or counseling while I'm still a minor

Does anyone have any ideas on

1. What to do?

2. What it might be? (I won't self diagnose based on that though. It's just for my curiosity)

3. How do tell my parents without fucking myself over?

Sometimes I do get much better but then later I just get 10x worse than before so I don't really have much hope, but anything is appreciated

Oh yeah also, a question: is it fine to say that I'm depressed or is it not okay? Because idk, I've had fluctuations urges to kill myself since I was like 4 and my life has felt like shit on shit over small things but idk if it would really be okay to say that because I really don't know in the end and I'm not diagnosed

Oh yeah idk if this fits this flair ngl but I hope it's fine