We are the invisible

"There is all kinds of help!"

Yeah, if you volunteered and signed up for the military/police/fire/first responders. Countless programs and avenues for help. I don't even know any who got out of the service and didn't get a stipend for whatever level of "disability" they earned. Yeah I sound upset and jealous because I didn't sign up for my trauma, no one cares and I am supposed to take my struggles and just fuck off.

But night terrors reliving horrific, violent abuse that was the entire story of your first 15 years of your life that has horrifically altered your perceptions, ability to trust, love or be loved = invisible.

That is 52 year old me. A year and a half ago I wasn't feeling good after weekend of sleeplessness and night terrors and took my blood pressure. I was in the ER 4 or 5 out of 7 days that week with blood pressure of 200+ / 130+. I was desperate for help and checked into the counseling/therapy offered at my dr office complex that my Dr recommended. Not accepting new patients. Same with every other place I called. "All full, bleed elsewhere".

So I finally went to the only walk-in place. It was full of people who had court ordered counseling and I was treated like a fucking criminal even though I have 0-crime record and came there willingly begging for help. I had to piss in a cup in front of a young nurse. I had to sit through the BO and smoke stench that was the waiting room. When I finally did get to see someone, I went into a room that can be locked remotely from the counselor should they decide to force you to go to the psyche ward.

On the video screen appeared a girl in her early 20s. I told her everything. Horrific stories about violent, hateful and psychological abuse that formed my early life, my night terrors I have been having, how all of these things continue to attack my peace and I am doing all I can.....on a diet, quit caffeine, weed, etc trying to get into physical shape so my mental health would hopefully follow. I had been on ativan for like a month since the ER visits - they learned it lowered my BP so they put me on it. She acted as if I were addicted to benzos, refused to continue any of that treatment and acted like she was doing me a favor by not hitting the lock-in button and sending me to the fucking hospital for a non-optional stay. Her diagnosis? THAT I WAS HAVING A FUCKING MIDLIFE CRISIS. I am beyond furious, I just poured my heart out about everything that torments my fucking soul (to near death by this point) and she equates me to an old dude needing a vette? Then despite having insurance, sent me bills for the unpaid portion that they charged well over 1k for completely incompetent, inexperienced help.

Since then I am losing weight and doing my best. I have good days and bad days. This weekend and since has been a lot of bad days. I had tickets to a local college football game this weekend and could not find one soul who wanted to go with me for free. So I sat home alone as usual. My computer died which is a 1k surprise problem. Pretty sure I broke/bloodied my toe kicking the piece of shit. I have 0 work suddenly after starting to get ahead and having one of the best years in a long time. I have 0 work to schedule or do now or the immediate future. The seasons are changing into the grey hell that makes things way worse every year. And one thing after another.....this responsibility, that bill, it just never fucking ends. I give people my all and am proven to be completely disposable all over again. I am not sure I can continue like this forever.