[feedback] Fangs For Your Patronage Chapter One (1792 words)

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Wow! I was genuinely surprised by the plot twist of the gun--I mean, I knew there was a gun, but I didn't anticipate Mick doing that.

1. As to if this gimmick is overplayed...hmm. It's a little hard to judge since it's the actual topic of discussion between the characters; because of that, I say no, it's not.

2. No, the flashback wasn't necessary at all, and I'd suggest deleting it. I think the signs (the song lyrics, the marks on his neck) were strong enough to get the reader up to speed, so to speak, on Louie's condition.

3. I liked the dialogue. I felt it was typical of 20-something old guy friends talking to each other, but I don't think I can get into too much detail here...just don't have much to intelligently say.

4. Other than the flashback, the flow was pretty good. I think you spent a lot of time building up the tension of the shooting (which was great!), but Louie bit him and he turned within the course of a paragraph. I think that was pretty sudden and a little rushed.

5. No, they didn't. I began to get a sense of who Mick was, but not of Louie...there really wasn't anything in the writing to tell me what he's like. All I know is that he drank once and stays up late. I saw more of Mick through his actions. I could sense his bitterness, his dissatisfaction. I guess I do know that Louie wants to live, since he asked Mick not to kill him, but I don't believe that's enough. I think he could use a little more characterization.

6. The ending made sense, and yeah, I liked where you ended it. I'm glad you didn't leave it ambiguous as to whether Louie was turning or helping to kill Mick. But see #4 for my problem with the ending.

7. Wild card! The only miscellaneous thing I noticed was this:

“I know you’re not, Louie. Quit making me nervous.”

Mick took his hands out of his jacket and held his hands up.

“Hey, hey, no need for accusations, man. I’m just here for Marlboros.”

It seems like this is all Mick, so this should be one line.

I'm so annoyed at myself. I scrolled down here by accident and saw the word "gun" in u/a_farewell 's comment, so I actually knew what was going to happen! Reading it objectively though, it wasn't too obvious. It was the perfect blend of "Ooooh will he?! and "Nah, red herring!"

1. If you think the gimmick is the fact that it's a vampire story, I'd say no. It's not overplayed... IF you take out the flashback and the mention of his neck scars.

But, if you think the gimmick is two friends from high school, both bitter about the hand they've been dealt etc, I don't think that's played enough. I can see that Mick is pissed off, and unhappy, not to mention a bit of a dick, but I didn't get much of a feel for Louie's outlook on his life... er unlife?

2. Like I said above, loose the flashback. It detracts from your writing. There was enough hints before the flashback.

3. The dialogue is your strongest suit in my opinion. They really sound like two 20-something dudes who are stuck in a rut. It's very well written.

4. I think the pacing is perfect in the middle of the piece. the flashback sets a very slow pace, but then suddenly things get helluva lot more interesting once Mick comes in, but suddenly the pace zips along in the last paragraph! If you could rewrite both the flashback and the last paragraph (shorten one, extend the other) the pacing would be good.

5. I just realised I've said all this in part 1!

6. The ending made sense to me at first, but I'm starting to see small little problems with it. I'm a little hazy regards Mick's motives as to why he shot Louie (Also, when Mick refers to Louie as Louis just after he takes out the gun)

Is Mick Vampiphobic? Is he racist? Does he really think that he's helping Louie by killing him?

Why does Louie save Mick at all? He was a friend he hasn't seen in a while who just tried to kill him? Why save someone like that?

Why doesn't he (Louie) say anything to the cop? What would the cop say about saving someone that just tried to kill Louie? (That could be a VERY interesting paragraph, Louie and Cop arguing over whether or not to save Mick!!)

However, you did end it at the right moment!

I enjoyed this very much so. You say it's "Chapter One", just thought I'd say this could very well be a short story!

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Fifteen minutes prior, Louie stood...

watch your past tense: Louie had stood...

As the clock approached midnight, the Maxi-Mart on a corner of Boston’s Park Street was devoid of any human life

The tense is off. 'As the clock approached' implies that the second clause will be some kind of progression, or change in state, but 'was devoid of life' is a static state and does not match. Consider rewording this as: 'As the clock approached midnight, the street emptied of human life,' or 'The clock approached midnight. The street was devoid of human life.'

but not too many people bothered to come inside.

this is wordy: 'but few entered,' will suffice.

The radio played top 40 music over the chintzy speakers to fill the void.

Again, there are excess words: 'Top 40 music rattled through the chintzy speakers,' is more concise and gets your point through.

Louie began to drum his fingers on the counter and whistle along with the music.

'began' creates an awkward tense. Maybe combine everything: 'Louie drummed his fingers on the counter and whistled along with the top 40 music that rattled through chintzy speakers.

It was the new single by I’ll Cut You, titled “Bite Marks”. The song went to the bridge:

I would just cut this sentence out completely, and cut to the lyrics in an ominous fashion.

She wore an orange tube top and short shorts, giving Louie a drunken grin.

I would like to know what color the short shorts are :)

At this distance, Louie could see that Mick’s eyes were very dilated.

Unnecessary wording: 'Mick's eyes were dilated,' gets everything you need to say across.

Interesting premise. I wasn't clear if Mick was robbing the store or just trying to kill Louie. Maybe add some clarity. I would have Mick be a little more high, a little more drunk, and even more resentful. Have Louie get creeped out by him for a little longer before Mick makes a move. really build that suspense. Otherwise, it was good.

If this is just chapter one, I would skip the flashback and leave the reader wondering how it happened. Leave that suspense there. Also, if Mick and Louie are both vamps now, and they are going to have future interactions, the flashback might be more interesting as Louie telling the story to Mick in a later chapter. Perhaps they run into the chick and it spawns Louie telling Mick about it.

Pacing = good. Mick seemed fleshed out well but go further with him. Louie could have something more unique. He is just the cool, sinister vampire, and then a caring friend. What sets him apart from other vampires? Why is this story about Louie and not about any other vampire?

Finally, what is the premise of your entire story (not just this chapter)? Is there tension between vamps and humans? Is it socially normal for there to be vampires in this world? Are vampires in danger? Are vampires protecting people from some larger danger? Do vampires and humans live symbiotically and somehow peacefully together?...You don't have to answer these in chapter one, but be aware that the reader will need some large plot to unfold other than 'being a vampire in a city.' You probably already have it worked out :).

Final, final advice, the vampire thing, like the zombie thing, has been done to hell. Everyone does it now. If you are going down the same road, you will need your own twist on the vampire thing. Why is your vampire story more interesting than hundreds of others? That's not a critique, but a challenge for while you write your other chapters.

1.) Did you think that I overplayed the main gimmick of the story?

Not really.

2.) Was the flashback at the beginning necessary?

No. It created a flashback within a flashback. Maybe if there is a larger story you're telling it would be Ok in the context of, say, Louie telling little snippets of life events and bouncing around in time because Louie is a bit of a rambler, but otherwise it's not necessary.

3.) How was the dialogue?

Not bad. Louie and Mick seemed like two Bros. If that's what you were going for then: success

4.) Was the pacing alright?

Pretty good. I liked the use of music as a sensory thing. That's a good trick to bring readers into the world.

5.) Did the characters seem fleshed out?

Yep. I thought the first fist bump was cute, but the second was superfluous. Felt like they were legit friends.

6.) Did you think the ending made sense? Did it end at an appropriate moment?

I'm not sure it did, but I don't know your universe, nor read vampire stories usually. Mick didn't want to be a vampire right? My read was that he thought that being a vampire was a bad thing, hence he wanted to help Louie by shooting him. So Louie pulled kind of a dick move, no? The cops were fine with Louie making a vampire? Maybe I missed something.. But I think maybe you could make it more clear. Maybe there doesn't have to be a cop at all. Mick could find another way to hurt himself that reveals his compulsive behaviour (already hinted at with the smoking and coming to kill Louie) and motivation to not want to die (maybe something they shared when they were in high school) that doesn't raise questions about why cops shoot people so they can be turned into vampires. I mean, unless they're vampire cops or something.