Source
r/asktrp•
AlphaAsFAQ

Apologizing to LTR

Long story short:

I have a friend that is outside my usual family and friend circle. He told me that I was going to be their kids godfather when they had a kid. I told my Long Term Relationship (LTR) and family this years ago. A few weeks ago they had their kid and made me godfather.

The issue:

I wanted to wait until my family and LTR were together to break the news with everyone at once; my family lives in a different city to us. However, I told my brother immediately as I wanted to share the news with someone. My brother and I are very close and he knows the new father.

Last night at a family dinner I told everyone. My LTR flew off at me after dinner when we got home as she expected to have been told immediately. Got even more upset when she found out my brother had known weeks ago.

I maintain frame and say I stand by my decision. I eventually apologise for hurting her feelings but say that I do not apologise for waiting to tell her with the rest of my family and I stand by my decision. She has stopped talking to me.

Can I get some tips on what to do when your decision upsets and hurts your LTR but you are adamant that your decision was well thought out, reasonable and calculated. This is not the first time that this sort of thing has happened.

Posted May 12, 2014, 2:06 AM UTC

220
2comment•

Don't buy into her bullshit drama, you shouldn't have apologized either. This is your news and moment, not hers, don't let it become about her. Just ignore her.

11
RPthrowaway123•

Ignore her. Close family is more important and if she can't accept that next her.

5
[deleted]•

First thing, establish that she only gets your attention when she speaks to you with respect. So if she flies off the handle, remind her of this the first couple times, and then walk away. Ignore her until she composes herself and comes back to you. When this happens, calmly explain to her the rationale for your decision and/or your personal boundaries on the matter. If your brother comes first in your life, get this shit down in stone.

Second, always be ready to let her walk away. This is not to say that you don't care about making the relationship work. I myself am in an LTR, and I've found that when I am in a head space where I am okay with the possibility of my girl walking away, I feel empowered to think of win-win solutions that I would normally not have thought. Not just that, I have the strength to ensure that I am not signing up for things that work to my detriment.

Third, never let her edge other people out, in an attempt to gain a place of elevated importance in your life. What's happening here is some vanilla manipulation on her part. She feels threatened by the fact she does not outrank the rest of your family in importance. This insecurity is made worse by the fact that in fact your brother holds the prime position of importance in your life. So she's pulling this maneuver to try and secure the top spot in your life. Not only is she displaying a need to be number one, but she is also displaying an unwillingness to share that spot with your family.

I'm guessing she's probably making it sound like you betrayed her. You didn't; it's just that you didn't act according to her expectations, and this blind sided her. She'll probably throw something at you about societal norms regarding SO relationships. She might also claim that no girl will be okay with this. Maybe so. But this is not the point. There's no written rule that says relationships should be a certain way. If this is how you want to operate in your life, just make your position clear, and hold your ground respectfully. And be ready to let her walk, if it doesn't work for her. If you wish to, you can offer to give her a heads up before an announcement, so that she can prepare her mind for the situation.

Finally, if you reconsidering your stance because you feel she might have a point, disconnect all stimulus from your response. Make sure that she has expressed her views in a calm way, without getting in your face. Then give it some time before you change your approach. This will establish in her mind that she cannot simply push you around to get her way, and that you only do things when you personally believe in it.

5
magical_artist•

Make sure that she has expressed her views in a calm way, without getting in your face.

What if she is in your space, and lacking calmness?

1
theozoph•

"I can't look at you when you're like that, it's embarrassing. I'll give you time to cool off."

Then take a long walk.

2
magical_artist•

Simple enough. It is complicated when I am laying in bed, and she comes pestering me when I am trying to sleep. She then proceeds to ignore my wishes to sleep etc. It shocked me with how disrespectful it was.

1
theozoph•

"I can't look at you when you're like that, it's embarrassing. I'll give you time to cool off."

Then throw her out of your apartment.

2
AlphaAsFAQOPAskTRP Endorsed Contributor•

Thanks for the response (and everyone else who commented).

When I say "flew off" I meant the waterworks started. I would never let anyone berate me, especially over something like this.

I am ready to let her walk away, she knows this from previous discussions. At one point last night she said that me not apologising for this was a "deal breaker" in the relationship. I just cocked my head to the side, raised my eyebrows, turned one of my hands so the palm slightly faced upwards and stared her out. That was the end of those sort of comments.

I told her that she could not even compare to my immediate family at the moment. I said in the future if we got married and put a few more years under our belts then yeah sure, my long term wife would be on par; not a 1 year gf.

At the end of it I could see her position clearer which is why I apologised for hurting her. I thought that the news would be good news and did not foresee this fallout at all. I did say that I would not be apologising for my decision as I do not think I did anything wrong to warrant an apology. In hindsight this might not have been the best move as she could then say that if you apologise for hurting me then you can see that your decisions were wrong. I retorted with something along the lines of, "Just because you don't like my decisions doesn't make them wrong".

Here's the good part: She asks me if I was raised to just apologise even when you don't want to so that the other person feels better and to move on from the problem. I said that I was, but I do not follow everything that my parents taught me and have become my own man. She said that all I had to do was apologise and this issue would be over. I said that I would rather be a man that made reasoned decisions and upon having those decisions questioned, would go back and review them and explain the reasoning behind them. Then, if I still believe that I made the right decision, I would stand by them even if others don't like them. At this point I got up and started preparing dinner, she followed me to the kitchen and started on the "you don't share/communicate enough and show no emotion" tangent that is often brought up. I ignored it, told her that I would never intentionally hurt her, I cared about her a lot and walked over and hugged her. She said "that was a good hug and you handled that really well". I wasn't sure if she was talking about the whole ordeal or just the last bit but I then steered the conversation away and now things are back to normal.

lol girls.

TL;DR maintained frame as best I could and hugged it out.

1
aguy01•

Turn this around on her for being unreasonable, because she is.

1
DKRises•

That's called breaking frame and starting an unneeded argument.

1
drrtyfrrnr•

No, not at all. You are wrong because anytime you have to acquiesce to somebody in order to avoid an argument, the argument was already started and over (and you lost) when you failed to open your mouth.

If you fail to put a girl in her place once, the next shit test will be bigger.

2
[deleted]•

But doesn't turning it around convey that this is a big deal to you?

From my understanding, an important part of an alpha frame is amused mastery (this shit ain't that big a deal... I'm not reacting to a temper tantrum from a little kid).

I'd like to hear some thoughts on this.

1
drrtyfrrnr•

For an alpha, (for anyone who lives with their self-interest in mind, basically) there are some things that are a big deal. Little stuff (i.e. her tantrums) don't faze you, but if something is important to you, then you move heaven and earth to get it, or to convince someone of your viewpoint.

What would be the end result of not starting the argument in this case? She feels like she won. And next time the shit test will be harsher, more gnashing of teeth, more wailing. Do you really want that when you can nip it in the bud?

1
aguy01•

It's only breaking frame if you do it emotionally.

1
stillnoturday•

If there were ever a time to hold frame it is now. You give into this drama and you will just invite more.

1
Haptic_Affinity•

Hold your frame, and don't discuss or rationalize your actions to her.

1
captainbloodd•

You apologized for that? She blew up over something that really wasn't that big of a deal. You should have just laughed at her for acting crazy, which probably would have set her off even more.

At that point you take out your phone and take video of her acting like a brat.

1
drqxx•

Ask yourself is she worth it? If so then give her a little space. But make sure she knows you care!

0