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r/shutupandwrite•
deftbeck

[Feedback] Tito and Hench -- Sandwiches [2483 words]

Feedback [2]

This is a short story set in the universe of my friend's sci-fi webcomic, [Cosmic Dash] (http://www.cosmicdash.com). Once I get some feedback from him and others, the story will likely be posted in the website's short stories section.

UPDATE: changed the link to the second draft UPDATE 2: changed link to the third draft UPDATE 3: changed link to the fourth draft

Link

Disclaimer: This story takes place in a sci-fi universe where aliens and humans mix. Along these lines, I'd like to provide a short glossary of alien races and terminology to reduce confusion.

Glossary:

Blassnaught: Large, muscular, rhino-like alien. A head or more taller than a human.

Gaur: Large, rounded and bulky aliens. Slightly larger than a blassnaught.

Repton: Short to medium-height reptilian alien.

Questions:

1.) Did you like the story?

2.) Without knowing anything about the universe in which it is set, were you confused at all by the alien setting or the terminology?

3.) Did you think the conflict was clear and persistent?

4.) How was the pacing?

5.) Did you think that the in medias res approach worked? Would you prefer to be introduced to these characters at a different point in the storyline, ie. start at the very beginning?

6.) Did the characters sound distinct?

Posted May 20, 2014, 5:37 PM UTC · edited

39
JotBotbot•

Thank you for submitting this piece for feedback! Your score has been updated. As a reminder, please reward helpful commenters by replying to their comment with a check mark somewhere in your reply (✓).

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JeepDriver30 rep•
  1. Yes, I think I did. The dialogue, I think, is good.
  2. What the heck is a BR? (besides a terrorist - I didn't catch what it stood for - never mind are they Bah Randos martyrs? Who is Bah Rando?
  3. At first the introduction of Hench I though was odd. But then I realized it was 4 am and that it was meant to be funny. Not sure what the conflict is though,
  4. It seemed natural. Except maybe they got there sandwiches and ate them too fast (This is in retrospect). Reading through I followed it very easily,
  5. I liked it. Maybe give longer descriptions of characters when they are first introduced. (Also, instead of saying giant rhino like, it might be more useful to actually describe him - although the blassnaught thing might have that covered if blassnaughts are earlier described) 6 Yes. I guess. It's hard to tell they are aliens though. Since the primary method of distinguishing is dialogue, and the dialogues were similar, it was hard to distinguish between species. Hope this was useful.

Best of wishes, have a great life!

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deftbeckOP20 rep•

1.) How was the dialogue "good" ?

2.) "BR" is short for Bah Rando. He is the leader of a terrorist cell on Blassna. Changed "BRs" to "suicide bombers" so it makes more sense.

3.) This is a noted problem.

4.) Perhaps you're right.

5.) I still need to work on knitting description into the story without affecting the pacing. Using the term "rhino-like" is shorthand, since they indeed look a lot like rhinos.

6.) I didn't really want to distinguish races through dialogue. I wanted to distinguish between characters.

Until I get an answer for #1, I am withholding my checkmark.

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JeepDriver30 rep•

This is what I get for elaborating! Held hostage and forced to answer a question or risk losing a checkmark. Oh the agony!

What I meant by 'good' (And sorry that my response is worded terribly - I am not that experienced of a writer) was that it seemed natural to me. I didn't have to stop and think "Wait, why is he/she saying that". It just made sense that he/she would say that.

In regards to note #6, what I meant was sometimes I lost who was speaking (This is just me as a lazy reader, however) and that its possible that different alien 'accents' might help out. Not really needed, I suppose.

Alright, hope this helps, and keep having a great life!

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deftbeckOP20 rep•

Thank you for elaborating.

(+)

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JotBotbot•

Confirmed: u/JeepDriver +2rep (bounty!)

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Tellenue230 rep•

Before I get to your questions, a few things that jumped out at me:

  • The use of 'punks' as a demographic. Felt kind of lazy by forcing me to make an already-generated mental image in place of being told what they were like.

  • Using 'app' threw me right out. I know that logically, they would exist in the future. But you can avoid using the word. I think we'd figure it out if you just cut it from the sentence.

  • Why do all the aliens have names that are so human? I'm very, very pleased no one's named Grthubber or Ta'li'a'l, but Tito and Otto are pretty common names for humans. You hit the other extreme when it came to naming.

  • You had Tito let go of Otto's collar, but he was supposedly naked. And you never mentioned him grabbing it in the first place. Since I don't know what these aliens look like, though, it's possible that this is just a misunderstanding, and we just need to see that he grabbed him in the first place.

  • The argument/fight outside with Tito and Henke made no sense to me. I re-read it a few times, just in case I had missed something, but it goes by so fast I had a hard time figuring it out. Perhaps slow this section down a bit? Give me some internal commentary from Tito and whether this is a normal thing or not.

  • I'm noticing your piece is very, very dialogue heavy, with very little description or internal monologue. I'd suggest striking a balance between the three.

All right, now specifically to your questions!

  1. It was all right. I enjoyed the slice of life aspect of it, but I didn't really see a plot. That could just be because it's only a snippet and not a full story.

  2. I had no trouble following your terminology, but I was left with very little in terms of what a repton looked like. This was counter to how many well-placed descriptive references you had for the blassnaughts.

  3. I'm not even sure what your primary conflict was. You provided me with your setting conflict- the whole humans vs. Empire thing- but I didn't feel that it actually affected any of the characters. The harassment could have been from a bunch of drunks for all the importance it had. The only conflict I felt the characters had was the fact that they were having trouble fulfilling their dream of making a band. And I didn't see that until 2/3rds of the way in.

  4. The pacing was way too fast. You don't slow down to include enough of Tito's opinion on everything that's happening. You also don't have a great deal of description interspersed with the dialogue.

  5. In Medias Res almost always works for me. And I think here, not only is it better, but I think you could even toss out your entire first paragraph and really start right in the middle of things.

  6. Henke sounded a little bland, but Tito and Ellen both sounded distinct.

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deftbeckOP20 rep•

Thank you for reading.

Answering your comments:

1.) I didn't want to tell what they looked like outright, so I used "punks" as shorthand. What would you have preferred for me to do instead?

2.) Changed "app" to just "his checklist".

3.) They're names that are easy to remember. They are also legacy names, as the overall story has been in my head for a while now, in various forms.

4.) Otto wasn't naked, it was one of his lovers that was half-naked. Also, I mentioned Tito grabbing the collar in this sentence:

Tito rolled his eyes and pulled Otto away by the back of his leather collar.

5.) Can you be more specific as to which conversation you are referring to?

6.) I struggle with description and internal monologue because I think I still struggle with show vs. tell. I was afraid of telling too much.

Question responses:

1.) It's meant to be a snippet within a larger story.

2.) I mentioned that a repton was a reptilian man. Would you like more description? I'm not sure how to insert this without having it interrupt the flow of the story.

3.) I admit that I struggled with this. Maybe I ought to have Ellen be refused service at the shop, or emphasize the band conflict more.

4.) I tried to make the piece the same length as other pieces on the website that the story would be posted on. That probably affected the pacing. I'm afraid of including Tito's opinion outside of dialogue because that would be telling instead of showing, in my mind. Again, I struggle with description, for aftermentioned reasons.

5.) The first paragraph was intended to introduce people to the setting to reduce confusion. I'm reluctant to cut it out.

6.) How would you suggest that I emboss Henke's character?

All in all, very good feedback. (+)

1
JotBotbot•

Confirmed: u/Tellenue +1rep

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