[Feedback] Cannon Star - Chapter One (2502 words)

Thank you for submitting this piece for feedback! Your score has been updated. As a reminder, please reward helpful commenters by replying to their comment with a check mark somewhere in your reply (✓).

The writing is pretty clear. There isn't any doubt or ambiguity as to what is happening. Your clear direct style works well.

That said, the pacing does need a little work. I found the beginning a little bit too formulaic and I found myself waiting for the writing to reach a certain point. To be fair, I realize this is just the first chapter of the story and you might be looking for a slow pace. However, I was not fond of the beginning structure of the story in which main character goes to trailer --> talks to person of interest --> moves on to next trailer to say hi. I think there are more dynamic ways to introduce characters. In this predictable way, I don't find myself interested in any of the side characters and they are not memorable. The interactions are not unique enough to warrant attention. I think this can be fixed if the characters were introduced during a moment in which their conversation with the protagonist has meaning beyond a simple introduction that can showcase their individual personalities (maybe an accident happened during a circus act, maybe they are working together at fixing a tire... etc). It felt too much like the dialogue was placed there for the sole purpose of introducing the audience to the characters. Take your time to introduce them. No need to place them all in the beginning. Maybe a side character is complaining about another one to the protagonist... don't need to reveal them all in one go.

I also think that even if you were looking for a slow-pace, I feel it would be more engaging to introduce the conflict nearer the beginning of the story. More foreshadowing. The atmosphere of the piece does not feel like there is something heavy hanging over it. I only get to a vague feeling of something wrong when the town's people are pointing at him. But at the same time, the protagonist could have done anything. I don't have a strong feel of the setting/time period so for all I know, he might have committed adultery. Next, it is revealed he is related to a man in jail that bears him a grudge. I think jumping from whispers of the town folk to this discovery is not effective because the reader does not have enough time to stew in their feelings a little. It is jumping a gun. You could draw out tension, make things seem just slightly off. More subtle than the town's folk acting hostile. Maybe they're acting too friendly. (Just a side note: I found myself questioning the story just a little when the town is still obsessed with an event that happened eleven years ago... even if the protagonist went on a serial murdering spree, would they still recognize how he looks after eleven years? This is a side note because you're only on chapter one but just note that it stretches suspending disbelief just a little too far.)

Another note on subtlety:

is heart began to beat faster as he looked at every single person who passed by. Any one of them could be him. Who knows how different he’d look after eleven years in the slammer? Maybe he was being a little too paranoid. I mean, what could he do to him? He lives in the past, and a stuntman lives in the present. Yeah, that works. He’d have to remember that one.

This part of the internal dialogue bothered me the most. I think the audience should be able to sense out a character's discomfort without the author spelling it out for them.

Setting is also something to work on. I didn't have a clear vision of the town. I'd like to see more imagery in this story.

In conclusion, you did a good job at creating a clear chapter and you seem to know where you want your story to be going. Because of that, it was a nice easy read. Thanks for this story!

Keep writing!

Ah, you seem to have updated the draft since I printed it out, so some of this will be too late. Hope you don't mind. Also, this is the first time I've done one of these reviews, so apologies if I say too much, too little or whatever.

Pacing:

Like TablesExist said, the pacing was kind of strange – I'd say the first really plot-relevant thing that happens is Rob going into town, which is more than halfway through. It doesn't actually bother me that much, because I find the character introductions before it quite interesting and the slowness of the start matches the tired mood everyone's in. You also manage to keep each interaction kind of relevant by mentioning something about how nervous Rob is to be back, which comes to a head when he meets Harold in the shop, so I like that.

I was going to suggest slimming down the opening page, when he's alone in his truck, but you've already taken it away. :p

Personally I'd have kept a few paragraphs, but that's your call. I liked the coffee-drinking and checking on his bike, and the description of the setting – it was good to drop in early that it was New Mexico.

Characters:

I really like the characters and dialogue you have here. I like that each character feels different, and Rob seems to interact with them in different ways – I get the impression he's a lot better friends with Rufus than with Calvin, for instance. The interactions mostly felt pretty realistic to me, and the mood at the start feels right for people who are tired after a long journey.

There were a few things I thought, though:

• I thought both Rufus and Harold felt a bit two-dimensional, like they were kind of stereotypes of characters. It works for Harold in that scene, if he's not going to be a major character later, and obviously you didn't really have time to build up much depth for Rufus, but I'd maybe keep it in mind for later scenes.

• I normally avoid having characters whose names start with the same letter. It's fine if you're reading in-depth, but when I'm sort of skimming through I find it takes a moment or two longer to differentiate words like “Rob” and “Rufus” from each other.

• In the conversation with Harold, Rob is getting stressed, then he has an internal monologue where he comforts himself (starts “Maybe he was being too paranoid”) then he freaks out and leaves. It feels like his mood is jumping around a bit.

• As a consistency thing, he goes to town to get bike parts and bug spray, and he comes back with only the bug spray. I mean, it could be that he freaks out and decides just to get home as quickly as he can, but I feel like there should be some mention of him making that decision.

• After the shop, it reads like the whole crowd on the street are recognising him, which kind of challenged my suspension of disbelief if he's been away for ten years. Personally I'd stay with

“It’s him!” a woman whispered to her husband.

“Of all the days to come back to town,” another person said under their breath.

But I'd maybe have it just be one couple who recognise him; that could still freak him out, without implying that the whole town would recognise him easily.

Setting:

I liked the description of the desert and the trailer camp, and of the shop; both are quite short but succinct.

I felt like you could do with a sentence or two describing the town, as I guess the whole book's going to be set there. All you have is

He walked onto the sidewalk of Main Street.

I'd personally prefer just a sentence or two describing the town, and maybe some idea about how far it is from the town to the trailer camp.

Also, what time of day is it? For some reason I assumed it was late evening, so it surprised me that the shop was still open.

Foreshadowing / internal monologue:

Like you said, there were a few places where I thought this was a bit blatant, but mostly I thought it was good.

In the scene with Calvin, you have

Something about this cat, just sitting there behind a bunch of bars, just barely separated from the two of them, made Rob feel chills up his back. It reminded him of something else behind bars that was on the verge of release today.

I kind of feel like the mention of the man in jail is too early, and it sort of takes away suspense. Later on, Harold mentions that someone is in jail, and that there's something special about today. You could easily slip in that this is his release day towards the end of the chapter.

Also, Dejada says

“He’s so cagey about everything, lately,” she said, folding her arms. “You think he’s hiding something?”

I don't know if he is hiding something, but if he is that's pretty blatant. It also struck me as a strange thing to say, at least worded like that. I can more easily someone imagine saying “What's he thinking?” or something. Might just be me, though.

Other stuff

I know you didn't ask for any wording or grammar stuff, so this is all unsolicited advice, for which I apologise.

Any one of them could be him. Who knows how different he’d look after eleven years in the slammer? Maybe he was being a little too paranoid. I mean, what could he do to him? He lives in the past, and a stuntman lives in the present. Yeah, that works. He’d have to remember that one.

You've got two sets of 'him's and 'he's here which I found a bit muddling. I know you're trying to avoid naming the other character, but maybe you could always call Rob by his name in this bit?

He flinched and turned right around, only to see a short teenager in gym attire, carrying a duffle bag.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Can you help me find the ringmaster?”

Same thing here. It's obvious from context that this is the teenager speaking, but the structure makes it ambiguous. I'd have gone for “Excuse me,” the teenager asked, or something like that.

“Eleven,” Rob said. “Eleven too few.

Makes it sound like twenty-two years away would have been the perfect number.

It would be redundant to call this man a clown. Take off all the makeup and you’d still be able to tell.

This sounds to me like he's wearing make-up in this scene, which I assumed he wasn't. Maybe In make-up or not, or something?