Prey
Sharp and dull
The cold air contrasted
The walls grey
My body retracted
My knees tightly held by my arms
Strong. Cold. Alert.
Smells flirt with death
My body retracted
The opposite, in fact, impacted
My thoughts cold.
Strong. Alert.
Metal scraping stone and screeching from the torture
Was fuel for my fire, stimulation for this creature
Hesitation insisted I stay still
But the numb-less pervasion of my starvation for stimulation beckoned all four fours forward
And I leaped
No longer human
An animal
Abnormal
Experienced and almost tribal
Teeth piercing with grace
A red necklace to lace my neck
Haste Haste
And then nothing.
And then reality.
And then everything.
The beating of a heart is exhilarating
Pounding so loud
Obliterating any other sound
Pound, pound
First his, now mine
Now his WAS mine
I took it forever
For the better For the better
I took it forever
For the better For the better
Posted Jun 24, 2014, 9:13 PM UTC
You've developed a very primal ambiance with this piece. While I like that feeling, I'm not crazy about how you managed it. A lot of the repetition gets old and seems unnecessary or too easy. It's obvious that you knew what you wanted to capture and had an idea of how to get there. With little more work could have brought it out with less redundancy.
Line 15, seems out of place, and one of those moments when you should kill your darling. Sure it sounds cool, but clashes with the rest of the piece. You could adapt it to a shorter, rougher style, instead of cutting it all together.
So yeah really like what you were trying to accomplish, but the redundancies take away from it, imo. Keep on writing, you're on the right path.
I would have to agree. I'd say try to eliminate some of the excessive repetition (I particularly don't care for the repetition like "My body retracted" showing up twice within 5 lines) and share it again. Right now it forces the reader to focus first and foremost on the use of repetition instead of the actual story you're trying to tell. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading a revised version, if you write one.
Thanks! :D Yeah, I was afraid line 15 was a little too wordy as well. I personally liked the change in style for a sec, but probably just because I really like that line by itself, it doesn't really fit well into the whole.
Are there any repitions you found to be ok or more likeable than others? Repition is one of my favorite things to use in poetry.
Strong Cold Alert