Hey guys, I'm 17 and a college freshman. I've never had a girlfriend solely because of my approach anxiety. If any of you have had this problem in the past, how did you get past it? Thanks for reading and providing any tips!
Posted Aug 12, 2014, 6:00 PM UTC
Count to three and do it. If the girl rejects you they won't remember you. They're too caught up in their own world. The more you do the easier it gets.
Start small.
Are you comfortable approaching retail workers? Start talking to them, just normal conversation. Get over the feeling of anxiety that comes with talking to strangers. Do this as much as you can, cashiers, fast-food employees, etc.
Now start making random conversation with strangers. Try it with people waiting in line, or if you're in an elevator together. Get used to just talking about anything, small talk.
When you're over the anxiety of talking to random strangers, you can approach women. Try to approach as many as you can. As long as you feel a hint of anxiety it will affect your approach and demeanor.
Eventually you'll be numb to the sting of rejection.
I used to be like that, but I've gotten over it's just the approaching for numbers and the like.
Face it.
Whats the worst thing she can do? Well punch you. Thats it.
Imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen, then realize how there's no way that'll ever happen. Realize that not even a 10th of the shit you're worried about when you go up there, will actually happen.
Go up there like you own it. Like you're the prize. Like they're missing out if they reject you.
Talk to everyone. Star with cashiers. Work your way up to random fatties, and then by that time it won't matter. Hot chicks will just be other people you're talking to.
Do you get approach anxiety from talking to normal people, like dudes, or fat/ugly chicks? If not, practice on them first. I could never approach hot girls at first, but I was always comfortable talking to normal people. So I just talked to random strangers, then moved onto fat or ugly girls, and then I realized there's no real reason for me to be intimidated by hot girls. They're just like anyone else, they want to be talked to, and the worst thing that can happen is that the convo leads nowhere and you can move on... you don't know them so who gives a fuck if they're not into you. You were too good for them anyways.
Approach anxiety is what stops everyone from doing anything remotely interesting. Would you sky dive, race on the highway, or play paintball? You'll have anxiety with anything new, don't label it and give it more power. How do you get past anxiety, you do it till it registers as excitement.
For me, getting rejected over and over was huge for my development. Not just rejection from girls, but rejection from anyone. I work in a sales-type position and after a few months of people telling me "no," I quickly stopped giving a fuck about the possibility of rejection. It's similar to sports when teams play "not to lose" instead of "playing to win." When you fear rejection, you aren't playing to win. Not approaching and getting rejected have the same outcome. When you don't approach, however, you have a 0% chance of success.
Rejection and failure is a fact of life for anyone who aspires to be successful. There is no shame in it, even when fools try to shame you for it. This is not just an important lesson to learn for dealing with women, but dealing with life in general
You never get over it, it'll always be there. You just get used to it. "Just do it" is the right approach. The more you think about it, the more your anxiety will snowball.
30 have the same problem. Have been in ltr wit 2 females but was always approached and just settled for what came to me. Not a good thing .i can go and approach but I stumble with words ,have a slight speech impediment and my mind freezes up. Trying to change my results by trying to do differently now but don't know how to start.
Roosh's Day Bang gives a great method for getting over it. You can get the whole book over in r/trpgame, but essentially it's just imagine the absolute worst possible case scenario, where she laughs at you, EVERYONE notices and laughs at you, everyone tells their friends, and it's total humiliation. Get comfortable with the idea. Then once you're comfortable, realize it'll never even be close to that bad. Even the bitchiest girls will just blow you off. And most bystanders wont care; they'll probably forget within a minute if they even noticed in the first place.
The only proven method of overcoming approach anxiety is by approaching more women!
You aren't going to improve your body by just sitting there - you need to go to the gym.
You aren't going to learn organic chemistry by sleeping in and playing FIFA all day - you need to go to class.
You are not going to overcome approach anxiety by standing in the corner at the party - you need to approach.
Someone once mentioned treating approaching like a game, but instead of trying to pull he and his friends were deliberately trying to get turned down. Whoever had the most failures had to buy drinks the next time around.
But in the end the only way to get over the anxiety is to just do it. And do it sober. Liquid/drug courage is a crutch and the earlier you start the easier it gets.
The best way to open a girl is to start talking about something you both are experiencing. Are the bartenders slow? Is the music mix fun or boring? Pay attention the environment and bring it up with the girl you're trying to open. That way if feels like a genuine conversation instead of a pick up.
what did it for me was realizing what a bunch of horrible people they were. then i would be standing talking to friends and girls would walk by and i'd say shit like "let's ask what purple pants here has to say about that. HEY PURPLE PANTS HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS GUYS FUCKING HAT" and it goes over well pretty much every time.
still have some approach anxiety though. it's really state dependent. if you get happy and fit and just have a good time and realize that there is literally nothing they will ever do for you if you don't BEAT THEM AT SOME BULLSHIT GAME, it helps stop deifying them.
I found that approaching people isn't the hard part at all. Its the after math that scares most and stops me in particular.
You: hi
Her: hey
You: durrrr.... Shit. Now what do I say?.
I am horrible at small talk and hate everything about it. That's the reason I don't approach most of the women. When I have some kind of opening (costumes make me love halloween) it makes it easy and the conversation normally flows.
But when I have to approach a completely random woman, I many times give up even though I don't fear rejection at all, but because I literally wouldn't know what to say 10 seconds into the conversation.
So my advice is practice your small talk. That's my biggest issue, though it may not even apply to you.
Because you care about the outcome. Stop. You are not going to sleep with that girl so put it out of your mind. Talk to her like you would someone you work with but don't know very well.
Remember not to get all beta and actually do stuff for her; no buying drinks, no giving rides, no holding her purse, or walking her to her car or any other damn thing.
If you are truly just shy, and do not have a serious physiological problem that requires treatment, start with forced interaction. Go to the grocery store, get in line with a female checker. Say hello, ask her if it's been busy today, tell her a brief, non-offensive joke like you would tell a child, take your things and go. There, you just talked to a girl. Repeat. (Obviously go to a different store. Don't be a wierdo.) Next try talking to a girl in line. Buy a pineapple or coconut or a fucking mango. Something interesting, make a quick mention of it to the girl (last time I had a mango was in Hawaii, I hope this one is as good). Repeat until you aren't nervous saying little harmless things. Game from there.
In college at 17, most of the girls you will meet are going to be in your classes. Right after you walk out the door, ask a girl if it was chapter 3 or 5 you were supposed to read. Next time, ask her what she thought of the lecture. Don't badmouth teacher, inevitably he will be standing right behind you or be the girl's uncle or something.
I used to be nervous about job interviews, so I went on a bunch of them for jobs I did not want or was not qualified for. Now I'm not nervous anymore.
Start small, work up. Don't dwell even for a second on what you said. The goal is to eliminate your nervousness, not be don juan the pick up artist. After your palms aren't sweaty and your heart stops beating out your chest, then work on points for style.